Castles in the Air

I was, in recent months, at a high school graduation for a friend of mine.  I knew it was gonna be a long couple of hours when the first student speakers actually "hashtagged" something in her speech.

It wasn't until the principal got up that I actually heard something that made my ears perk up.   He summed up Henry David Thoreau's, Walden, with the often quoted advice, "If you advance in the direction of how you imagine your life, not how convention dictates that it should be, then you will find success on a scale undreamed through reasonable expectations."  Immediately, I got a little nudge, from my friend (Martin, I'm writing this for you), as if to say "there's the answer to your questions, kid".

Well I went and looked up the actual quote from the story and it's a little more poetic, if you ask me.

"I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws will be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings...If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."

Magnificent.

I will now consciously make my way towards those castles my imagination and soul have created, whether that means I have to climb the whole way, or if I discover how to fly there.

A Thorough Analysis of My Arachnophobia

~Bridey J.

New Content

The things I write on this blog are for more than just being heard.  If I really wanted to be heard I would talk to my like-minded friends and get approval and validation from them.  (Which I do ALL the time.  They are very helpful when I want to feel better about my life.)  Writing here is not about validation for me.  It's about wanting to make a meaningful connection with another human being.

There are times when I'm on Facebook and I'll see a friend's name with a little green dot next to it.  Before I even know what I want to say I already have the little chat window open up and typing some sort of salutation that elicits a response.  After the initial greeting I will usually sit there staring at the little screen, watching the cursor blink, trying desperately to think of more meaningful words to say.  It's not enough to continue on with the meaningless back-and-forth of customary conversational statements that rarely hold the sincerity they sound like they should.  I want to be honest with someone and tell them everything, but I can't find any place to start.

When I started this blog I felt like I had things to say.  I thought I would find people to reach out and make that connection with.  Now I want so bad to keep making that connection, but it feels like nothing is good enough.  I've made a decision that I'm just gonna write.  Sometimes it will be connection worthy, and sometimes it may fall short.  But it will get out there nonetheless, and that's more than half the battle.

~Bridey J.

Poem

                                                                 Silent             Conversations.
                                                            Better than        carnations.  Hold
                                                            my             fragile                hand,
                                                           to                                       gether
                                                            we                                    stand.
                                                             Invincible                         in
                                                                 this                      moment.
                                                                    Time                 well
                                                                        spent.       Love
                                                                            until      I
                                                                                  die.

                                                                                                      ~KW

Mundane Matrimony

Tonight, all over the place, people gathered together and held candle light ceremonies to show their hope for the outcomes of the approaching Supreme Court hearings on two court cases dealing with marriage equality. The over turn of both Prop. 8 and DOMA could potentially lead the way for marriage equality through out the country.  I, unfortunately, could not attend the little rally held in Provo due to some health issues.  It did give me time to wonder, just between myself and I, why I wanted to fight for gay marriage, other than that fact that I hope to one day be gay married.

I tried to recall all the arguments I have heard over time from both sides and hash it out in my mind.  The one my mind kept returning to is one I had heard many times here in Utah.  The idea is that Civil Unions should be enough, because it comes with all the political and legal rights we are fighting for anyway.  Well, it may come as no shock that I do not want a civil union.  I want to be married to my future wife someday.  Many people say that to allow gay marriage would be undermining the sacredness of the act (as if heterosexuals have a monopoly on religion and the understanding of sacred things).  I want my marriage to be just as meaningful and sacred and special as anyone else's.

I really think that fighting for equal rights is important.  I want to be able to visit my wife in the hospital.  I want to be able to file joint taxes and have our family recognized by the government.  But the civil rights will come on their own, the fight will continue until we are equal in this respect.  I do not fear that the government will ultimately not see my family as a real family.  I am afraid that others will not see me/us as equal.  By having separate or unequal rights it gives some people an excuse to look down on others, even if it's just subconsciously.

Because marriage equality is something that needs to be fought for, rather than something that is given freely, I feel like some people think of my love as less special.  They think that I don't hold marriage to a high standard.  Like I am just some child that wants a toy just because someone else is playing with it.  Knowing that others think of me like this makes it hard to think of myself as something better than the second-class role they put me in.  So why do I fight?  I fight for marriage equality because I know I am worth it.  For me, it has nothing to do with the political rights.  It's about people recognizing that the greatest desire of my heart is to be specially bound to the woman I love, and to be called her lawful wedded wife, and for our family to be sacred and eternal...just like everyone else.  I fight because I am worth that.

~Bridey J.

Chop Chop...Oops

I am currently employed at Papa Murphy's Take 'N' Bake Pizza.  Every morning I get up nice and early and catch the bus to catch the second bus to get to work.  I then spend the next 8 hours mixing and smashing pizza dough, grating cheese, making sauces, and cutting vegetables so that every day everything is fresh.  Well you can imagine how doing the same thing every day can not only eventually wear out the equipment we use, but also easily become a job of brainless motions.

This last week my boss got brand new knifes to cut the veggies.  Well...I got a little over excited and was cutting a bit too fast...when suddenly my hand was in pain and there was blood on the green onions.  I almost cut the tip of my thumb completely off.  It was just hanging on by a bit and bleeding everywhere.  I then spent the rest of my day at the insta-care with a wad of napkins holding my finger together.  I lost a chunk of my finger nail so they had to put the stitches through the remaining nail to keep the tip on.  

Here's a picture...Enjoy!

This is after being cleaned up a few days later.

~Bridey J.

Genderless

The gender binary is really not a complicated subject matter.  There are girls and boys.  Men and women. Male and female.  This has nothing to do with what they like, how they act, stereotypes, clothes, sexual orientation or even what may, or may not, be between someone's legs.  Males are usually associated with some degree of masculinity, while Females are feminine.


Transsexuals, born one sex , but identify as the other another, also work within the gender binary.  The symbols don't show an over abundance of creativity, but they are at least informative.

Now, we step out of the comfort of the gender binary and into something different.

It is now no longer one or the other, but placed on a spectrum, of sorts, that goes in between and beyond.


As silly as it might seem, I don't think I fit in the gender binary.  I don't even know if I fit in one of these other categories  I guess I'm somewhere in between, and it's sometimes hard to explain.  Even to myself.  I feel like even the spectrum is a little more exclusive than I initially thought. Let me try to explain.

My sex is female. I have a vagina and I'm fine with that.  I also have breasts and hips and curves.  I am not fine with any of those.  My gender is...confusing.  I wish the general public would address me with male pronouns, as the English language does not have gender-less pronouns. I want to wear a suit and tie to church. I wish my body reflected that more (unlike Shakirra, my hips do lie).  But I'm okay with my name and who I am.  I'm okay being someone's girlfriend, wife, or mother.

Sex is usually based on the primary and secondary sex organs you have.  Gender is actually based on a role you play in society.  I'm not comfortable with the role that was assigned to me because I have ovaries and not testicles.  I wish there was an acceptable role of just being Bridey.   I wish our minds weren't constructed in a way where we subconsciously demand that every thing have a label, or a place to belong.  It's even confusing in my own mind to accept that I am genderqueer, because it's not one or another.   But I'm okay being me.  I'm okay exploring what that means.   I hope you'll come on this journey with me.

~Bridey J.