Genderless

The gender binary is really not a complicated subject matter.  There are girls and boys.  Men and women. Male and female.  This has nothing to do with what they like, how they act, stereotypes, clothes, sexual orientation or even what may, or may not, be between someone's legs.  Males are usually associated with some degree of masculinity, while Females are feminine.


Transsexuals, born one sex , but identify as the other another, also work within the gender binary.  The symbols don't show an over abundance of creativity, but they are at least informative.

Now, we step out of the comfort of the gender binary and into something different.

It is now no longer one or the other, but placed on a spectrum, of sorts, that goes in between and beyond.


As silly as it might seem, I don't think I fit in the gender binary.  I don't even know if I fit in one of these other categories  I guess I'm somewhere in between, and it's sometimes hard to explain.  Even to myself.  I feel like even the spectrum is a little more exclusive than I initially thought. Let me try to explain.

My sex is female. I have a vagina and I'm fine with that.  I also have breasts and hips and curves.  I am not fine with any of those.  My gender is...confusing.  I wish the general public would address me with male pronouns, as the English language does not have gender-less pronouns. I want to wear a suit and tie to church. I wish my body reflected that more (unlike Shakirra, my hips do lie).  But I'm okay with my name and who I am.  I'm okay being someone's girlfriend, wife, or mother.

Sex is usually based on the primary and secondary sex organs you have.  Gender is actually based on a role you play in society.  I'm not comfortable with the role that was assigned to me because I have ovaries and not testicles.  I wish there was an acceptable role of just being Bridey.   I wish our minds weren't constructed in a way where we subconsciously demand that every thing have a label, or a place to belong.  It's even confusing in my own mind to accept that I am genderqueer, because it's not one or another.   But I'm okay being me.  I'm okay exploring what that means.   I hope you'll come on this journey with me.

~Bridey J.

My "At One Ment"

I gave a talk in church today.  Thought I would share.  I was only allowed to record the audio.  The beginning is just me being me, so I felt it would be a little inauthentic to leave it out.  If you wanna get right to the talk skip to 0:51 seconds.  I hope you enjoy.

~Bridey J.

It's Been A While

First I would like to apologize to what ever readers I actually have out there.  I have about six or seven posts I've started and then decided I would finish it at a later time and then never came back.  I've been dealing with who knows how many people these last few weeks because of the panel we had on campus, and then the seemingly-perfectly-timed-and-planned-but-in-reality-not-really-planned-at-all release of the group's "It Get's Better" video (I already posted it somewhere on here), and all the press from that.  My name is now in I can't even begin to count number of newspapers, magazines, blog posts, and other internet things.  Weirdly enough, my biggest concern is that someone will hear my name and like it and give it to their child and then I won't be the only one, because I like my name and I really like being the only one.  On top of all that crazy stuff happening, I had finals.  My dad might murder me a little (or a lot) if I admit that all this Gay stuff might have had a negative effect on my final grades, because it really stressed me out and left me with not a lot of time to study in the end...so let's keep that between you and me.

I have talked to so many people, and have ignored so many more.  At first they were all asking "Why did you do it?" and "Who the hell are you?" and now all they're asking is "What's your real agenda? Why are being so vague? Does it really get better?" and crazy stuff like that.  I'm being analyzed and attacked from both sides and to those people I say...you may have listened, but you didn't really hear a single word we said...and I hate you all because you stress me out.

I feel like I have a lot to say, but when I think about it I get full of emotions.  I have this problem where no matter what I feel, be it happy, sad, angry, afraid, or sleepy, if I feel a lot of it then I will cry.  This is not a voluntary response, I assure you. Cut my hand off while juggling chainsaws...cry.  Feel like no one is really listening...cry.  Reading the chapter when Dumbledore dies...cry.  Can't find matching socks...cry.  Shout out to my great grandma Elfie, for passing on the crazy gene.  My point is that I will be moving forward and trying not to dwell on all the crazy things that have gone down and are sure to come.  I'm in a new place, and I might be getting an amazing job, and recently I've been spending my time with some extraordinary people.  Here's to the future the begins right now.

~Bridey J

It Gets Better

Wednesday night I was on a panel with some of my friends who are gay and out and help me run USGA. My friend Brandon and I have been doing this for the last two years (ish), but it's always been in individual classes. This week I came out to way more than the 600 students that were in attendance at this panel. I'm gonna talk about how I felt, not word for word what happened. If you want that please click here.

It was absolutely exhilarating! At one point Adam and I answered a question about our future and ha talked about how one day he hopes that he and his husband and his children will be coming to church as a family. He got a round of applause! At the end I bore my testimony about the love that I know that God has for every single person in that room and the love and acceptance I know he has for me as a lesbian that will end up with another woman. I got a standing ovation and I started to bawl my face off. It was so amazing!

If you want to continue the message I started please watch this video and then pass it on.

Bridey J.

My Story

I found myself on Youtube the other day. I know it might seem a bit lazy to post this instead of writing something, but not failing school comes first. Instead you should enjoy my pretty face talking to you for ten minutes :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKvTQk6mmTQ

Authenticity

I few weeks ago in USGA we had some people come and talk to us about their experience being in a mixed orientation marriage (one spouse is straight and the other is gay/lesbian). I know a lot of people in the gay community don't like this at all. They hate that members of the church expect gay people to enter into a mixed orientation marriage. That's not church policy, but it's what it feels like sometimes.

I have a friend who speaks to BYU classes with me. His name is Mark. He's a gay man whose experience was very different than what a lot of gay people go through. He never doubted God's love, or where he fit in the church. That is extremely atypical, and he is an extremely atypical person. He ended up marrying a woman and it seems perfectly right for him. He understands that this is not the path for everyone. He tries to remind people (especially the classes we speak to) that he is the exception, not the rule. He also emphasizes that he's still gay. Getting married did not "cure" him. In all the time I have known him and his wife I have never doubted that those two are meant for each other. I have also never thought that he was lying about his homosexuality. I really feel that he is being true and honest with himself, being an openly gay man happily married to this woman.

Recently in my life I have been made aware of an extreme anti-gay group here in Utah. Their platform centers around the idea that their son was "cured" of his homosexuality and that every other homosexual can be too. I don't want to dive into that much because that would distract from my point. When faced with the idea of a gay man or woman being fixed, most people would say "you can't fix was isn't broken". While I may not understand all of the "why's?" that come with it, I will never think that anyone is less of a human being because they are not a perfect Kinsey 0. Similarly, if this boy was struggling with any homosexual feelings he might have had and was able to find peace through somehow making them stop, then I am happy for him. But just like in my friend Mark's situation, he is an exception, NOT a rule. I truly hope with all my heart that no matter what this man went through, and is going through even now, he remains honest with himself.

I am striving daily to be honest with myself. The first step was admitting to myself nine years ago that I had feelings for girls, and not boys. Now it's admitting that as much as I seem to be okay with who I am, some part of me is still not (but I'm slowly getting there). I honestly don't know what my future holds (and I'm only 23 so I don't need to have the next 70 years planned out just yet), but chances are good that it will not be a mixed-orientation marriage. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that when I think about my future I think about sharing it with a woman, because that's what I want. I would also be lying if I told you that wanting that doesn't scare me a little sometimes. I just pray that what ever happens in my life I am able to remain me.

~Bridey J.

Hey Listen

I feel like I want to write, but I don't know what to say. I feel like I have so much inside of me that I want to get out before I explode. My friend Braidan says I should just write and let it come out and worry about making sense later. But I can also hear my dad's voice in the back of mind warning me not to complain. It's not that I'm not allowed to complain, but it really doesn't take a lot of effort to get online and start complaining to the anonymous world you never really have to face. If I'm going to give myself a voice I want it to be strong, and worth listening to. I want to be heard.

My whole life I've felt like I've never really been heard. It always seemed like time after time I didn't even have control over my own life. I somehow couldn't understand how to play the game. Kids used to pick on me when I was younger. I tried telling teachers, but no one listened. This one girl was especially mean calling me names every single day, so I finally did something. I got her unlisted phone number from one of her friends and told her that if she didn't stop I would have my parents call her parents and tell them what she's been doing. She started to cry and make this big scene and the teachers came over and in the end I was the one who got in trouble because I made her cry. No one even cared that she was the one making me cry every day.

This last semester here at the BYU I had roommates who treated me like I was nothing. They passive aggressively (and sometimes not so passively) made me feel ashamed of who I was for no other reason than they didn't like it. They told me I was against what they believed and that it was my fault that they were angry. I would sit in my bed all day thinking of how I could fix this and the only thing I could think of was to not be gay anymore. I had tried all that before, so I know the only way to do that would be to not live any more. I went to the administration and told them how bad it was, but all I heard was that these girls had a right to hate me because I refused to change.

Listen, I don't know who's reading this. I don't know if you found this because we're friends on Facebook, or you know me from USGA. For all I know you accidentally clicked the wrong link and have no clue where you are. I remember searching all over the internet for hours at a time for anybody out there who might understand the hell I was going through. I was desperately looking for someone who would give me a voice, because mine has been stomped out over and over again. Now I'm screaming at the top of my lungs...but is anybody listening?

~Bridey J

Thoughts From My Head

Today, this blog comes to you in 3 parts...

PART 1: Jobs I think would be hard:

• Ventriloquist in Antarctica: The one time it's not cool to be able to see your own breath.
  
• Making the Chinese version of Scrabble: I'm not even sure how that would work.
• Being Lady Gaga's tailor: I'm not sure how hard it is to sew meat together but...
• Streetwalker in Venice, Italy: I'm picturing needing snorkel and water-wings...so sexy.
  

PART 2: Real make or break moments:

• If I'm dancing in the kitchen and singing out of key you would join me and not make me stop to put on pants first.
• You understand that cold pizza IS an acceptable breakfast food.
  
• I have an obsession with Superman...deal with it.

PART 3: Things I don't understand

• When waiters tell you "If you need anything tonight, my name is So-and-So"...what is their name if I don't need anything?
• Sunflower seeds that have no shell are said to be "shelled", while seeds with the shells still on are called "unshelled".
• Fantasy Football.
  

Thanks for reading :D

~Bridey J