Fears and Phobias

I was thinking about all the things there is to be afraid about...and that freaked me out...so I made a list of the things I am actually legit afraid of in order from "uneasy" to "well this interferes with my day to day life", and all the way to "oh my hell I just peed myself".

1. Telephonophobia = the fear of talking on the phone - texting truly is a god sent
2. Testophobia = the fear of taking tests - I get major test anxiety
3. Xenophobia = fear of strangers - this was worse when I was a kid and I thought that the lady at the McDonalds would tear my face off if I tried to order more fries.  Needless to say it's gotten better with age.  Now I only think that she will slap me, but I take my chances.  This should not be mixed up with the word "Xenaphobia" meaning the "fear of Xena Warrior Princess"
4. Glossophobia = fear of public speaking - this used to be much much worse, many time resulting in shaking, dizziness, sweating, momentarily blacking out, and vomiting.  But since I was required to get in front of people all the time at USGA, I have been able to conquer it.  Well...I still sweat a lot.
5. Hypnophobia = fear of sleep - this is actually closely connected to my Insomniphobia, or fear of not being able to sleep.  I tend to avoid the whole subject all together, or take medicine.  
6. Cucuyphobia = fear of under the bed - there are alligators under my bed at all time and in all things and in all places.  I usually take the bed frame off so it's just a box and a mattress on the floor.  No space = no alligators.  Until you can prove that they are never there, they are always there.
7. Kakorrhaphiophobia = fear of failure - this mostly manifests itself in academic ways, such as not being able to start homework without going into crippling fits of hysteria and anxiety attacks first, because I know before I start it that it won't be "A+ material".  C's get degrees, right?
8. Auchlocaustrophobia = fear of closets - not always meaning the figurative one that I came out of (closets are scary and I'm never going back!), but also just the regular kind you hang clothes in.  I think this is fear that has been with me since childhood.  If there is an open closet door somewhere in the room, especially at night time, I will get very very anxious.  Sleep will not occur until they are all closed.
9. Lygophobia = fear of being in a dark place - I am currently 24 years old and I still sleep with a teddy bear, and I will still find any excuse to fall asleep with some light on.  It was not an uncommon thing, during high school, for me to fall asleep with the light on in my room and my parents would turn it off later.  Since college that turn into getting to sleep before my roommate and making her turn the lights off when she comes to bed.  I have also purposely slept in the living room so the TV could be on, fallen asleep reading to have an excuse to have a lamp on, and unashamedly used a penguin-shaped nightlight.  This fear is usually greatly lessened when I am with someone, because they will either protect me from the scary darkness, or distract it long enough for me to get away.
   Also known as:  Nyctophobia - fear of the night
                            Achluophobia - fear of the dark
                            Scotophobia - fear of darkness
10. Trypanophobia = fear of medical procedures involving injections or hypodermic needles - they once had to strap me in a straight jaket on a plank of wood with ropes so I would hold still long enough to get the Novocaine so they could fill in a cavity.
    Also known as:  Aichmophobia - fear of sharp points
                             Belonephobia - fear of sharply pointed objects
                             Enetophobia - fear of pins and needles
11. Arachnophobia = fear of spiders - this is a crazy legit fear for me.  I have had reactions that range from full-on panic attacks and uncontrollably crying for hours after seeing a spider, all the way to wetting my pants and fainting.  I once saw a spider in my room that crawled away before I could get a shoe and my parents came home to find everything I owned thrown into the hallway and me sitting in an empty room rocking back and forth.  I never found the spider, and didn't sleep for several days after that.  Over a long time, and out of a basic need for survival, I have been able to train myself to react quickly and kill the evil mother f***ers, and then let myself freak out.  As long as it was still smaller than a penny.  I have been known to call a friend to make them come over and kill one for me.

To my friends:  Thanks for putting up with me and all my weird fears.


Things I think BYU students are afraid of:

• Pogonophobia = beards
• Anuptaphobia = staying single
• Doxophobia = expressing opinions
• Hereiophobia = challenging, or deviating from, accepted doctrine
• Phronemophobia = thinking

Fears I found funny:

• Dikephobia = Justice 
• Barophobia = Gravity
• Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia = Long words
• Lipophobia = Fats in food
• Nomophobia = Being out of mobile phone contact
• Omphalophobia = Belly buttons
• Panphobia = Everything
• Papaphobia = The Pope
• Phobophobia = Having a phobia
• Aibohphobia = Palindromes
• Anachrophobia = Temporal displacement (for those Doctor Who fans out there)
• Anatidaephobia = Somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you

My "At One Ment"

I gave a talk in church today.  Thought I would share.  I was only allowed to record the audio.  The beginning is just me being me, so I felt it would be a little inauthentic to leave it out.  If you wanna get right to the talk skip to 0:51 seconds.  I hope you enjoy.

~Bridey J.

My Mission?

I'm not sure how many people know this about me, but I once put in my papers to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I told everyone, because it was my plan. I honestly, and deeply, felt like it was what I needed to do. And when I say that I felt that way I don't mean "I felt pressured to go because it's what a good little Mormon girl is supposed to do" or even "I felt that since I was 21 already and not married that the only option left for me was to go on a mission"... I mean that I actually had many moments where I knew without a doubt that serving a mission was not only what I wanted to do, but it was what God wanted for me as well.

Well, extremely long story short...I didn't get to go.  By that time I was too far gone into my depression and wasn't able to serve.  I don't remember really reacting to the news, at the time.  I already knew before the letter came that they would tell me "no".  No matter what that paper said, I had told myself they just didn't want me because I am gay.  What I saw as my last shot at redemption was now gone because of this unyielding "disease" I just couldn't seem to fight.  All desire to go on a mission (at least the way it had been) left me that day.

I ended up coming back to BYU, as evident by the fact that I'm here now.  If I'm being honest, I'm not quite sure what made me come back.  BYU had always been part of my plan, but part of that plan had been to serve a mission and come back and get married and have a family.  Now I wasn't sure what the plan was, so I thought I should hold on to the parts I had left.

By the first month of school I had found USGA.  I started forming a new plan.  The rest, as they say, is history.


Update: April 6, 2012
My aunt called me today and left a message on my phone.  She was in the middle of shopping when she just started thinking of me and then just got the clear-as-day thought that "Bridey has been able to serve a mission.  Just not the regular one."  She called me the day I spoke in the campus wide panel discussion.  Actually while I was speaking.  I didn't find her voice mail until today though.

I have been able to do a lot of good here on campus, with the USGA and the other friends I have made because I came back to school at this time.  Maybe this is where I needed to be all along.


Update: October 6, 2012
Well as anyone who was even remotely paying attention to the little Mormon corner of the world today knows that the church announced that they lowered the age at which a young man or woman can serve a mission for the Church.

The age for boys: 19 --> 18
The age for girls: 21 --> 19

Well, everyone's first thought was how this is totally gonna throw things off at BYU for a while. As seen by this picture, here. -->

My thoughts were all over the place.  The one that dominated was "if this change had happened five years ago, when I was nineteen, things would have been so different...I might have gotten to serve..."  It took a while for me to remember that I was in a pretty messed up place (mentally and emotionally) when I was nineteen too.  I think I would have gone on a mission only because I had not yet faced all the issues I had with myself yet, and at that time I still believed that a mission would fix a lot of them.  Would it really have made life so much better?  I wonder if it would have made facing myself eventually that much harder.  Would I have become the same me I am today?  I don't know.  I don't think it would have been a worse path, only a different one.

Well, I talked to my dad about it and he said that same thing my aunt did six months ago, more or less.  So have many friends.  I'm pretty sure they didn't talk to each other and coordinate an answer. Maybe this is my mission.  To do as much good as I can, where I am.

~Bridey J.

Oo-koo-lay-lay

I have a Ukulele.  Her name is Bellatrix.  I bought her at a time when I was very depressed and I decided that giving myself something to do just for me would help.  I'm not the best, but I love to play. I already have a wide variety of music in my ever growing repertoire.  Please feel to browse my songs, and/or make requests.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World -- IZ
I'm Yours -- Jason Mraz
Melancholy Astronautic Man -- Allie Moss
When You Say Nothing at All -- Alison Krauss
Jar of Hearts -- Christina Perri
Island in the Sun -- Weezer
The Middle -- Jimmy Eat World
Superman (It's Not Easy) -- Five For Fighting
Maybe Katie -- Bare Naked Ladies
A Thousand Years -- Christina Perri
Born This Way -- Lady Gaga

Wandering

Yesterday I went walking through Barnes and Noble. I was in desperate need of a book I could just get lost in.  Going in there and expecting to walk out with only one book is like jumping into a pool and expecting to not end up wet. I'm not saying it's impossible, I'm only saying I've tried it a million times and it hasn't happened yet. I accept the fact that I will never not buy something when I visit, so I've tried to limit myself to a certain dollar amount and that seems to work...most of the time.

I walk through the isles staring at all the titles on all the covers that I will never look past.  Occasionally one might catch my eye, but if the blurb doesn't sell me then it doesn't make the cut, and back on the shelf it goes. Not to be caught judging a book by it's cover, but I'm on a budget.  Familiar authors and titles are scattered among those I have never seen before.  I have to touch each cover, as if the paper feel of it will help me find the chosen few that will come home with me.  I honestly wish I could take them all with me, even the ones I know aren't that good, and trust me when I say those do exist.  I just want to get lost in someone else's head for a small while.  I want to see the world through a fresh pair of eyes, even if those eyes have only seen in someone else's imagination. I want to be living a new life and go on some unheard of adventure, even if it's only for a few hours.  I want to get to know these people who will never actually be, and at the same time they will live much longer than I ever could. I want to...no, I need to feel emotions that stem from someone else's universe, because my own emotional entropy can't be conveniently placed back on a shelf when I need to deal with my life.  It is my minds eye, with the help of these words, that can form everything from spaceships to relationships, all that hang in the balance every time I turn a page.

Every hour spent wandering is worth even the few minutes of escape I know it will grant me.

~Bridey J.

Pride

This was my first time going to a pride festival.  My over all assessment is that it's a lot like the Medieval Fair that happens every year in Norman, OK.  "How so?" you might ask.  I will tell you.

There are three distinct groups of people that attend.

1. Those that finally get a time to be themselves and not be stared at.  They dress in all manor of outrageous, colorful, and sometimes shocking clothes (if any at all) that tell the world "today you see on the outside who I am on the inside every other day".
2. Those that use this opportunity to dress like the #1  people for the sole reason of "because we can".
3. Those that are there mostly for the food, the attractions, and to buy stuff.

Now I have absolutely no problem with people dressing up and celebrating something.  It's never bothered me when my guy friends would wear their kilts to school the week of the Med Fair (unless they went commando on a windy day). But it really gets under my skin that so many people come to pride dressed up in drag and in over-sexualized versions of what society seems to think the "gay lifestyle" is. Now don't misunderstand me. If that's who you really are, and this is your way of celebrating you, then by all means be loud and proud.  But I always thought the point of Pride was to show people that you are proud of exactly who you are. If you don't dress or act like that the other 363 days of the year, why would you do that on the two days that are all about celebrating you?  I just don't understand.  I'm very sure that Salt Lake City is quite tame compared to New York, Seattle or even San Francisco.

That being said, I would like to say that this year I was able to celebrate who I am.  I had the incredible opportunity to be part of a group of us that received the Utah Pride Courage Award on behalf of the USGA members that worked to make the "It Get's Better" video.  This year's grand marshal, the ridiculously beautiful Dustin Lance Black, presented the award to us. This meant so much to me because he's not only a Hollywood celebrity, but he is also an openly gay Mormon himself (not to mention a small town Texas boy).

Grand Marshal Dustin Lance Black leading the parade.

The next day I participated in the very first group of Mormons marching in a pride parade. Under the name "Mormon Building Bridges" over 300 LDS members came out, dressed in their Sunday best, to show the LGBT community that they have allies where they never thought they would. We were originally somewhere toward the back of the parade, but DLB insisted that we were up front with him. 

Mormons Building Bridges (I'm on the front right)

There were people, both in the group and in the crowd, that were just bawling. So many people never thought they would ever see a day when these two seemingly mutually exclusive worlds would come together like this.  The amount of love that was present there was unbelievable. It was almost overwhelming at moments.  I saw members marching with their little children and holding signs that said "Jesus said love Everyone" and "I'll walk with you, I'll talk with you" from the primary song written by Carol Lynn Pearson for her gay husband.  I also looked out into the crowd and saw all these spectators cheering and screaming for us. It meant something to them that there were people that were willing to stand up and tell them "I love you because of who you are, not in spite of it". They were so accepting. I'm talking about both sides.  That morning there was no longer an "us" and "them".  There was only "we".  It gave me hope about my own future.

This is who I am.  I am a Lesbian.  I am a Mormon.  This year I got to show people I am proud of that.

~Bridey J

Journey

I've been AWOL this last month, trying to recover from the high that came after the panel and the video and the equally intense nothingness that came in the weeks afterwards.  I'm sure there's all five or so of you that might check my blog fairly regularly and to you I apologize for my absence.  To the rest of you...suck it up, I'm allowed to take a vacation.  I still have about a million posts I've half written, started and never finished, that I'm planning on finishing soon.  So just keep your pants on.

My dad told me before I started this blog to be careful.  It doesn't take a lot of brain power to go on the internet and complain about stuff.  I hope to inspire and uplift my readers.  Sometimes I'm not sure I can do that, but I will try my best to leave you with something to think about.  I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, most of which feel very heavy and deep.  Many of these things I have thought through many times and I thought them to be resolved within me.  But as a very wise, bearded friend recently shared with me, peace is a journey, not a destination.

This last weekend I went down to St. George, UT with some friends.  Usually when I go hang out down there I spend Sundays watching the Game Show Network in my condo while eating cheese-its and taking advantage of the opportunity to just do nothing.  However, I've been doing a lot of nothing lately, so at the request of my amigos we went to an early morning sacrament service at the nearby Mormon congregation.  I have been somewhat avoiding church lately.  It feels different and it's like I'm the only one who notices.  I could go into some "square peg/round hole" analogy, but it's not that at all.  For so long I was focused on this idea that once I resolved the struggles and issues I had with my sexuality things would go back to the way they were and I would stop feeling so distant from the peace and acceptance I was promised the gospel would bring to my life.  But just like Schrodinger discovered, you can't unknow the cat is dead.  The things I have lived through have shaped me different.  It's not just that I feel like I don't fit in, the truth is I know I don't fit anymore.  

My whole life I've been told that there is a path that is narrow and hard, but it's also the way to eternal happiness.  Now I find that I'm not on the path I thought I was at all.  I go to church and can clearly see that the life that lay in front of me is so different from the one everyone else will travel.  Not just being gay, but everything is different.  The answers they give in Sunday school seem empty for me.  Even messages about families and the temple cut deep into my heart.  It all means something else now.  Words that used to easily bring comfort now just leave a feeling of indifference. I am on the road less traveled by, but I don't recall a diverging fork anywhere.  I don't know if this road has the same destination, and that scares me every day.  Even though I have accepted myself, that doesn't mean I am at peace.

I often forget that my journey is far from over.  The destination, whatever it may be, is miles in the distance.  I may find peace many more times, and just as many times it might be taken from me.  I need to trust that this is not what the next sixty years will feel like.  I need to have faith that there is something to hope for.  I sometimes wonder if my choices are between an empty life and a hollow eternity.  If I choose what makes me happy today, will the promise of eternal joy still be mine?  Each day I get out of bed is a choice to believe there is something more waiting for me in the next sunrise.  I have to believe that, or I don't think I'll have the strength to continue.

~Bridey J.