Not Equal Yet

Recently a good friend of mine got a letter to the editor published in the Utah newspaper "The Salt Lake Tribune".   It focused on the idea that while she is protected by anti-discrimination laws in Salt Lake County, if her life were to take her elsewhere in Utah, she would not have the same right.  The laws she mentioned protect her from being fired from a job or evicted from housing solely because of her sexual orientation (as she is a lesbian).  It might surprise some of you, as it did me, that these laws are not in place country-wide.  At a job I used to have back in Oklahoma there was a large sign next to the lockers that would remind everyone that no employment decisions (such as hiring, firing, disciplinary action, promotion, pay or other work conditions) could be made based on my sex, age, race, color, religion, national origin, disability, genetic information, OR sexual identity and orientation.   I was very surprised to find that the same sign at my current place of employment in Utah, a branch of the same company, did not include the last part.

I came out to my coworkers when I started the job.  I wanted to make it known that saying things like "that's so gay" and calling each other faggot was not gonna fly with me.  It has now become a very comfortable and casual thing that my coworkers and I talk about.  I really do enjoy my work because of the people I work with.  But one day last week, someone said something referencing my being a lesbian, right to my boss.  She didn't think anything about it, because she doesn't have to.  None of them have to think about it.  It's not a reality for them.  I don't go a day without thinking about it.  I don't think my boss will actually do anything to me, but I've been on edge because he could if he really wanted to, and there are no laws to stop him.

A few years ago I had a roommate that freaked out when she found out I was gay.  She reported me to the housing office and to my landlord, hoping to get me evicted.  I lived in BYU contracted housing, and I wasn't breaking the BYU honor code just by being gay, so there was no grounds for eviction. How ironic that being a BYU student kept me safe, and not a law.

This is my reality.  I'm not considered equal yet.

~Bridey J.

Beyond the Bubble - Guest Post

I pulled onto the lonely highway in western Cache valley, set my sights on the horizon, and let my foot fall heavy on the accelerator as Kelly Clarkson sang “Breakaway” at full blast. In the early light of that August morning there was hardly another soul on the road. The sun was breaking hard and bright over the mountains behind me. And as the reality of my packed car hit me, I couldn't help but laugh with glee. I was leaving. I was finally free. That night I pulled into my friends’ driveway in central Seattle, and after unloading my things and spending some time with my hosts, I fell into a deep sleep in my new home.

It’s been almost five months now. Every once in a while I get a glimpse, a reminder of my life back in Utah, and I realize that I've already forgotten how different things were. And in that moment I thank God for Seattle. When I put my life in Provo side by side with my life in Seattle, the difference is stark. Perhaps the most obvious difference is the lack of secrecy in my life here. Seattle is a special city, though I’m sure most metropolitan areas share this to some degree. Here, the people share a common, low-maintenance attitude: as long as you’re not a jerk, we don’t have a problem with you. As I became acquainted with my classmates, being gay and from Mormon Utah were both very poignant things for me to claim. Every one of my classmates was warm and accepting. These things didn't change who I was to them. They were simply “flavorings” on my personality.

I’ll admit, I went into a bit of an identity crisis in the first couple of months when being gay and Mormon wasn't something I could cling to anymore. As those identifiers lost their potency, all that was left was being “Nick." I don’t think I've ever had an opportunity quite like this where I was granted such an extensive freedom to determine what that meant. At first, it was intimidating. Then, it was exciting. Now, it is freeing. I don’t have to cling to “gay” or “post-Mormon.” I don’t have to cling to anything to fit. I am me, and I am in a place where that is enough for people.

Having been in Seattle for election season, I got to see a whole new world. Signs like “College Republicans: You’re not alone!” or “Capitalism isn't working! Socialism is the answer” told me that I wasn't in Kansas (or Provo!) anymore. I was able to vote in a state that went Blue for the first time in my life. And I was able to see the numbers come in as my fellow Washingtonians voted to include me and my love into the law and into daily life. The passing of Referendum 74 was very moving for me. And the campaign, seeing the green “Yes on 74!” signs everywhere, was amazing. For the first time in my life my neighbors were actively working to include me and my love, me as-is. The peace and inclusion I feel is something I did not get in Utah.

Dating was also different. I found that boys here have less internal angst than in Utah, and they don’t feel pressure to cling to stereotypes. They feel free and comfortable being open about themselves, no matter who they are. It was quite the experience to explore Capitol Hill, the gay district where rainbow flags are hung over doorways, and to see pairs of eyes following me every now and again. As you might imagine, it was a great confidence boost!

Most satisfying, though, was walking hand in hand with my date through Pike’s Place on the pier. Instead of glares and stares, people would approach us and tell us how cute we were. We would hear people whisper about how adorable it was to see us. That kind of subtle acceptance and valuing of my relationship was more rewarding than I expected.

I have been in a relationship for almost four months now. I found a good Christian boy who views spirituality and religion like I do, who is comfortable with himself, and who has no apprehension about taking my hand in the grocery store or in church as we recite the Lord’s prayer. In comparison the little subtleties become so stark.

I think that the most powerful difference, though, is the way Seattle has allowed me to love and accept myself as I am. Even in places like USGA where I was free to be authentic about my sexuality, there was always this sense of rebellion, of swimming upstream. Things have finally settled here in the Pacific Northwest, and the naysayers don’t have the same emotional power over me like they used to. I can finally just be me, and that’s enough.

BYU, Provo, and USGA will always hold a special place in my heart. USGA was the safe space that allowed me to come out of my gay shell and stretch my wings a bit. But I am also grateful to have left, to have stood at the edge of the cliff, and leaped, just to see how far I can fly. I hope the same for everyone in USGA.

-Nick Norman-

Inclusion

Alright, people.  I've noticed something recently.  There tends to be a certain kind of voice that gets heard and it's the loud ones.  These voices tend to belong to people that are more passionate, and on the extremes of issues.  Well I'm more of a "Jesus said love everyone" kinda person, and my personality is such that I don't like stepping on toes, so I tend to be quiet.  Well I don't feel like I should be quiet about some things any more, so here goes.

 So there are a lot of people that say that being gay is wrong.  I'm pretty sure that at this point we can all agree that it is not (except for the crazies), because one does not choose to have feelings of same-sex attraction, just as one does not choose to have feelings of opposite-sex attraction.  Nothing is wrong with attraction, no matter who it is to.

Where it seems that people start to differ dramatically is when you ask them what the "right" course of action is.  This is where I've been told I have a unique perspective.

The right choice for you is the one that will personally bring you the most happiness throughout your life.

I will fight for your right to have the future that you choose.  Whether that be in a mixed-orientation marriage, a same-sex marriage, something in between, or if you choose to live a celibate life (more power to you, because I don't think I could ever have that kind of will power).  What we often overlook when we are focusing on fighting for the "right" thing is that we're actually all fighting for the same thing.  We are all fighting for our right to happiness. We need to fight for that same right for others, whether or not we believe it is our right choice.  We need to fight for others to have the right to their happiness too.  To not just fight for ourselves, but to fight for each other, together...just imagine how strong we could be.

~Bridey J.

Boxes

I was talking with a friend not too long ago about her reluctance to come out.  She said that she doesn't think she's ready to be put in box of what people think she is, or what they think she should be if she comes out as a lesbian.  I almost immediately wanted to go on about how amazing it's been for me since I came out to the world (literally), because it has given me so much room to just be myself.  I no longer feel like I'm lying to people or pretending to be something I'm not.  When I don't have to worry so much about what people think I am or think I should be it allows me to be what ever I want, which is just me.  But you know what?  Just because I have found this new freedom, doesn't mean that it's right for everyone to do the same thing I did (and certainly not the same way I did it).

After thinking about it for a few days, I have to say I understand her fear.  For the longest time I was afraid to call my self a lesbian.  I would always phrase it that I was "attracted to women".  I told myself that it was because that was easier for people to handle or understand than "I'm gay!"  Later on I realized it was because I was afraid that if I called myself a Lesbian then people would think I was lying if I ever dated a boy.  If they thought I might be lying about my orientation, how legitimate would my pain still be to them?  I was afraid they would think I was lying about that too.




On the other hand, I really did once have a roommate tell me, after many months of being out to her and becoming close friends, that if I had come out to her as lesbian (instead of same-sex attracted) she might not have given me the chance to get to know me the way she did.  For her the term Lesbian or Gay came with a lot of baggage.  We were roommates over the year that I really came in to myself and finally became comfortable with who Bridey really is, and not just in a gay way.  Through our friendship I was able to show her that labeling oneself as gay or lesbian (or any other letter of the ever expanding acronym for non cis-heterosexuals) didn't change a person for the worse, or even for the better.  That being said, not labeling yourself as anything doesn't change you either.

I personally believe that labels are a way to belong and not feel lost.  To be able to say "I am this thing that a lot of other people are".  Putting yourself in a box where there are a lot of other people can feel safe, and make you feel not so secluded or alone.  It should be for yourself and no one else.  It's to help you figure out who you are and finding a place you feel you belong.  When other people start to use this safe place to restrict them from imagining you complexly, that's when boxes become a problem.

Boxes, both metaphorical and cardboard, are for organizing things.  The way our minds work, it is easier to put ourselves and others in boxes, or to label, stereotype, or categorize them.  But the individual should always supersede what's written on the boxes.  The individual is ever changing through time.  Boxes can be entered, left, and redefined multiple times during one life.  We need to learn to not define people, including ourselves, by the boxes they may frequent.

~Bridey J.

Isomers

I may be a statistician now, but before that I studied chemistry.  In chemistry there are things called isomeric compounds, or just isomers.  An isomer has the same chemical formula as another compound, but a different structural formula.  They are made of the exact same things, just formed a little different.  Even though isomers may look very similarly, they can have extremely different properties and reactions.  "Why are you telling us about boring science, Bridey?" you may ask.  Well I thought I would talk about the T in the "LGBTQ" community by using a concept widely understood and accepted in the scientific community.  So stay with me, please.  

Sterioisomers are isomeric molecules that have the same molecular formula and sequence of bonded atoms, and differ only in the three-dimensional orientation of their atoms in space.  The way to compare these different structures is through cis-trans isomerism.  The words cis and trans are Latin words meaning "on the same side" and "across", respectively.  For those of you who are more visual, here's some pictures.

cis-1,2-dichloroethene              trans-1,2-dichloroethene

Okay, I'll stop with the science before I bore you all to death.  Now on to the queer stuff.  Allow me to lay out before you two very similar, yet very different scenarios.

My friend Zac is one of the many wonderful people I have gotten to know through USGA.  He's from a small town in Texas, and is in Utah for school.  He was born into a family that actively participates in the LDS church.  Zac's sex is male.  He has a penis and can grow facial hair.  He is very comfortable identifying as a male.  He's also very comfortable with his attraction to other men.  Where things get a little tricky for some people is when I tell you that Zac technically has XX chromosomes.  Regardless, Zac is known as a cis-man.  Meaning he identifies as the sex he was born.

I have another friend, also named Zachary.  He too is from Texas, and is up in Utah for school.  He was born into an active LDS family.  Zachary is male.  He is very comfortable in his role as a man, and with his attraction to women.  Zachary was also born with  XX chromosomes.  The only real difference between them is that Zachary has a vagina and the other secondary sex characteristics of a female.  Zach is known as a trans-man.  This means he does not identify with the sex he was born as.

Like two isomers, these two boys are the same in every aspect except what you might find between their legs.  One is the same as what you see, the other is not quite what you'd expect.  Despite how similar these two may be, the world tends to react quite differently to their unique situations.

Zac is recognized as male right from the get-go.  He has to take hormones so he can grow his lovely facial hair, and not grow breasts.  Everyone accepts his being a male, even though he's genetically a female, because he was born with a penis. They can easily overlook it.  On the other hand Zachary doesn't pass as male as often.  He wants to take hormones so he too can grow scruffy face hair, and he wants a chest instead of breasts.  Only his close friends and family continuously accepts him as male.  To society, he's not only genetically female, but also socially female because he was born with a vagina.

Why does one deviation make such a difference to people?  Why can we accept the phenomenon of someone being sexually different than what their DNA is telling them, but not sexually different from what their soul is telling them?  Birth defects happen all the time.  Society as a whole accepts that sometimes the sex of the child is not 100% one or the other.  Why can they not accept that maybe it's 100% of the wrong one?

I want to say that the experience of both of these boys are very valid.  I do not write about this issue to claim that I have the answers.  In fact, if anything I want to tell you that I don't have the answers.  But what I do understand is that it shouldn't matter.  Zac and Zach, if you are reading this, know that you are loved by so many people. You deserve to be loved for the very person your heart is telling you that you are.

~Bridey J.

Fears and Phobias

I was thinking about all the things there is to be afraid about...and that freaked me out...so I made a list of the things I am actually legit afraid of in order from "uneasy" to "well this interferes with my day to day life", and all the way to "oh my hell I just peed myself".

1. Telephonophobia = the fear of talking on the phone - texting truly is a god sent
2. Testophobia = the fear of taking tests - I get major test anxiety
3. Xenophobia = fear of strangers - this was worse when I was a kid and I thought that the lady at the McDonalds would tear my face off if I tried to order more fries.  Needless to say it's gotten better with age.  Now I only think that she will slap me, but I take my chances.  This should not be mixed up with the word "Xenaphobia" meaning the "fear of Xena Warrior Princess"
4. Glossophobia = fear of public speaking - this used to be much much worse, many time resulting in shaking, dizziness, sweating, momentarily blacking out, and vomiting.  But since I was required to get in front of people all the time at USGA, I have been able to conquer it.  Well...I still sweat a lot.
5. Hypnophobia = fear of sleep - this is actually closely connected to my Insomniphobia, or fear of not being able to sleep.  I tend to avoid the whole subject all together, or take medicine.  
6. Cucuyphobia = fear of under the bed - there are alligators under my bed at all time and in all things and in all places.  I usually take the bed frame off so it's just a box and a mattress on the floor.  No space = no alligators.  Until you can prove that they are never there, they are always there.
7. Kakorrhaphiophobia = fear of failure - this mostly manifests itself in academic ways, such as not being able to start homework without going into crippling fits of hysteria and anxiety attacks first, because I know before I start it that it won't be "A+ material".  C's get degrees, right?
8. Auchlocaustrophobia = fear of closets - not always meaning the figurative one that I came out of (closets are scary and I'm never going back!), but also just the regular kind you hang clothes in.  I think this is fear that has been with me since childhood.  If there is an open closet door somewhere in the room, especially at night time, I will get very very anxious.  Sleep will not occur until they are all closed.
9. Lygophobia = fear of being in a dark place - I am currently 24 years old and I still sleep with a teddy bear, and I will still find any excuse to fall asleep with some light on.  It was not an uncommon thing, during high school, for me to fall asleep with the light on in my room and my parents would turn it off later.  Since college that turn into getting to sleep before my roommate and making her turn the lights off when she comes to bed.  I have also purposely slept in the living room so the TV could be on, fallen asleep reading to have an excuse to have a lamp on, and unashamedly used a penguin-shaped nightlight.  This fear is usually greatly lessened when I am with someone, because they will either protect me from the scary darkness, or distract it long enough for me to get away.
   Also known as:  Nyctophobia - fear of the night
                            Achluophobia - fear of the dark
                            Scotophobia - fear of darkness
10. Trypanophobia = fear of medical procedures involving injections or hypodermic needles - they once had to strap me in a straight jaket on a plank of wood with ropes so I would hold still long enough to get the Novocaine so they could fill in a cavity.
    Also known as:  Aichmophobia - fear of sharp points
                             Belonephobia - fear of sharply pointed objects
                             Enetophobia - fear of pins and needles
11. Arachnophobia = fear of spiders - this is a crazy legit fear for me.  I have had reactions that range from full-on panic attacks and uncontrollably crying for hours after seeing a spider, all the way to wetting my pants and fainting.  I once saw a spider in my room that crawled away before I could get a shoe and my parents came home to find everything I owned thrown into the hallway and me sitting in an empty room rocking back and forth.  I never found the spider, and didn't sleep for several days after that.  Over a long time, and out of a basic need for survival, I have been able to train myself to react quickly and kill the evil mother f***ers, and then let myself freak out.  As long as it was still smaller than a penny.  I have been known to call a friend to make them come over and kill one for me.

To my friends:  Thanks for putting up with me and all my weird fears.


Things I think BYU students are afraid of:

• Pogonophobia = beards
• Anuptaphobia = staying single
• Doxophobia = expressing opinions
• Hereiophobia = challenging, or deviating from, accepted doctrine
• Phronemophobia = thinking

Fears I found funny:

• Dikephobia = Justice 
• Barophobia = Gravity
• Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia = Long words
• Lipophobia = Fats in food
• Nomophobia = Being out of mobile phone contact
• Omphalophobia = Belly buttons
• Panphobia = Everything
• Papaphobia = The Pope
• Phobophobia = Having a phobia
• Aibohphobia = Palindromes
• Anachrophobia = Temporal displacement (for those Doctor Who fans out there)
• Anatidaephobia = Somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you

My "At One Ment"

I gave a talk in church today.  Thought I would share.  I was only allowed to record the audio.  The beginning is just me being me, so I felt it would be a little inauthentic to leave it out.  If you wanna get right to the talk skip to 0:51 seconds.  I hope you enjoy.

~Bridey J.