Nearby Support?

Dearest anyone who is reading this,

My mom is awesome. She has since proved to me her awesomeness by being way more accepting than I ever thought she would since I came out. She's read most of the books she can find both on homosexuality by itself and within the church (including Brent's and Brad's). While I've been visiting home before school starts up again we've talked about it on several occasions. She's become way more aware of how other people treat the idea of homosexuality now, but also the double standard for people who don't think it's the best thing since sliced bread. (Everyone at work gives her grief and says she just hates gays because she's Mormon. She wants to yell "my daughter's lesbian for crying out loud", but she respects my privacy).

Anyway, she's asked me about support groups nearby that she could go to or join. I don't really know that much about them (except USGA), but I know there are people out there (you guys) who do. Preferably one that will treat our religion with respect as well, and might understand better where she's coming from. Her main concern is to learn all she can and be able to support me, not politics or bitterness towards the church. PLEASE leave your suggestions in the comments below for any support groups, or other resources (like books and stuff), that might help her out. (PS, we live in the middle of Oklahoma if that makes a difference).

Thank you muchly....

~Bridey J

Gender Rolls

I don't believe it matters what gender stereotypes you fit into. I don't think that determines who you are or your sexuality. Your personality is going to have a much stronger effect on what you like to do than the gender roles people try to put you in. I think gender is important, but not in the way that many people consider it. There's a big difference between gender and the roles the society assigns to them. Because of this belief, I don't think it's okay for some parents to decide that their baby is "gender neutral". I love being a girl! But I'm not going to change my personality to try to fit a mold because I'm a girl or because I'm a lesbian.

Growing up, my brothers and I have never really fit any mold. It was seriously something like this...

I had this baby doll once. It came with a little stroller and a crib and all sorts of stuff. My younger brother used to take that baby around with him everywhere. he would feed it and change it and push it in the stroller...the works. Now he's a giant baseball player. I like to wear pants (no dresses), have shorter hair, build stuff, watch things explode, play sports, go camping, and watch movies where some ass gets kicked. I know a lot of people would say that it's because I'm lesbian, but it's much deeper than just my sexuality. (Me and my brother are very different, but somehow we both still ended up liking girls). Both my parents have been the stay at home parent before, and both have had jobs to bring home the bacon. Both of them love to cook, camp, wear pants, clean the house, and take care of us kids. They're just who they are.

I took a friend to a USGA meeting once and we got on the subject of "looking back, how could you NOT know you were gay?" In the third grade I threw a fit when we had our section on medieval times. We were supposed to do a play and the only real role for a girl was a peasant or a princess. I argued until I got to be the only girl knight (I still have the sword)! On the way home she asked if we thought that if fitting in those stereotypes was what made us think we were gay. I was confused my her question, but I realized that she is the same as I am (in the list above) but is not a bit gay at all. What you like, how you act, and the way you dress are all parts of your personality, not your gender.

People have tried to put me in boxes my whole life. They categorize me as a woman, as a Mormon, or as a gay person. When it comes down to it though, we're all human beings, not boxes. Hobbies don't have genders. Being interested in shopping or wood working does not influence who you're attracted to. I love being a woman, and I love being attracted to women too.

But I often wonder

• Have you ever wanted to change yourself to better fit a stereotype or gender role?
• Why do the roles and stereotypes even exist?
• Do you think there's a statistically significant difference between the amount of straight girls that can change their car brakes and the amount of gay girls who can? If so, why?

But seriously folks...

Gender Rolls are SO Delicious! :D

~Bridey J

Some Spare Change

When I was in elementary school my brother was in a school play that was about the old west and how it was settled. There was a song in the play that was about how things change and grow. The most memorable line to me was "the only thing that doesn't change is change", saying that change is a constant and will never stop happening. Throughout my life, however, change has changed for me. A big change used to be moving from second grade to third grade, because we started using pens and writing in cursive. Farther on down the road there was the change of moving and learning to start over with new people. Now I've moved so many times it doesn't really matter what state I call home. School has continued to be school, no matter what I'm learning or what kind of writing implements I use. Until now things changed with me as I grew up, but I think I've reached a point where I see change a little differently.

When I think of change over time, the first thing I usually think of is music and video technology. My parents talk about how they were alive before color tv was around. You couldn't watch movies at home before the seventies, but now we can watch any movie with out having to move from our computer or couch. Not to mention that movies theaters are now taking advantage of ALL your senses in all eleven dimensions . We've gone from vinyl records to eight-tracks, cassette tapes, cds, and now music that doesn't even exist in a tangible form. Today I walked into a restaurant and instead of the standard fountain drink dispenser I saw this thing that I can only think of as futuristic. It was as small as a vending machine and it had a touch screen to choose your soda. The number of different sodas and flavor variety combinations must have been a three digit number, in this one small machine. As Dippin' Dots has been trying to tell us for many years, "The Future is Now".

I have to remind myself, on occasion, that it's not just technology that's changing but everything else too. When I was in sixth grade I should have been put in an algebra class, but the school board refused to let me. The same thing happened to each of my brothers and we tried to fight it. Just this week I have learned that the school board is finally allowing sixth graders to take algebra, giving them a possible way to finish high school math requirements before they even make it there. I was glad to know that it was finally put through because of my parents, and other parents and students, fighting for the past twelve years. At the same time I was a bit discouraged because none of the people I was fighting for (my brothers and I) will really benefit from this change, seeing as we're all older now.

Now I am making change happen through the things I'm involved in, like USGA at BYU. I called a friend of mine recently. He was the first Gay Mormon I ever knew, and he truly inspired me, whether he knows it or not. He was one of the first few who attended the Matis Firesides when they were still held in the living room of their home. I told him how things have changed for gay students here at BYU. Now we can be open about who we are, and we're allowed to meet together in our club, or community of friends, on campus. I can now openly stand for the rights of people like me, even when most church members don't understand why I don't think it's wrong. He was blown away by how much had changed in only four years. It made me a bit frustrated though, as I noticed that while these things are changing for the better very quickly, they're not going to change all at once. Things may not get better where I am right now, no matter how hard I try. What I'm doing in my family or community now may not really make a difference to someone until after I'm gone. Then I realize I'm benefiting right now from what others have done before me. They started groups like USGA that now give me a community of friends who understand and love me. Even though things are different now, they will always be another type of different later on down the road. I just hope I'm still around to see it.

~Bridey J

Closets

A few of my roommates and I were sitting downstairs in silence, when suddenly one ran in from upstairs and happily explained to us how she realized that my bed is directly over the downstairs closet. This was met with much laughter and friendly poking fun at Bridey for being a lesbian. Closet jokes are always a fun past time in my apartment. My friend Brandon always says that closets are scary because it's dark and there are skeletons in there.

I've never been quite sure where the phrase "in the closet" came from, so I did some investigating. It originally came from the phrase having "a skeleton in the closet" which is thought to have come from the fairy tale of Blue Beard, where he leaves for few days and his wife discovers a secret closet full of his dead past wives and he makes it a point to add her to it...(http://www.contemania.com/english/Anglais_Barbe_bleue.htm)

Now it means "A secret source of shame, potentially ruinous if exposed, which a person or family makes effort to conceal". From this less creepy source is where the connection with the meaning of a gay person "coming out" came from. They are not ashamed any more, is what I take it to mean. Well what ever it means I'll leave you all with this...

~Bridey J

No Going Back

This is a book review of "No Going Back," a book by Jonathan Langford that was mentioned a few weeks back in Justin's post about gay themed movies and books. I hadn't heard of this one so I thought I would give it a try. These opinions are strictly my own. I will try to keep it short so as to not lose you before it's even started. (Warnings: there may be spoilers, but it's still a really good read...also it has the word faggot a lot, but I just think of thishttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2M9TzdnSpLo)

This book is about a gay teenage Mormon growing up in western Oregon in 2003. First of all, I wish I had heard about this book sooner. Just it seems to me that now that I'm okay with myself I finally find all the things I was looking for before to help me be okay with myself.

The protagonist is a fifteen-year-old boy named Paul, and the plot revolves around the happenings as a result of his coming out. The book just starts right out with Paul coming out to his best friend Chad. It's not about him figuring out he's gay and going through that, but dealing with people's reactions and figuring out what he really wants. (For me, this has been the longer process of the two.) At first I was slightly disappointed, especially after Chad's reaction is basically calling Paul a faggot and storming out. But then the focus switches to Chad's thoughts and you see how he struggles with this new information and the fact that he still cares for his best friend and what that means for him.

The book is written in third person omniscient. Langford writes from the point of view of every major character (and some minor ones) and he does a really good job at approaching this issue from all sides. It's not just a book about a gay boy, but also the people in his life. I think that not only makes it easier for more people to relate to this book, because you'll at least fit in one of the character's shoes, but also you see how different people deal with the same issue. I think many times we forget that other people see the same things differently (or as my mom always says, there's two sides to every story).

Paul comes out to his best friend, his mom, and his bishop. I thought these were the most important and handled very well:

• I was a bit scared at how he would write the bishop's reaction, but it was what it should be. As long as Paul didn't do anything against the standards of the church he was completely worthy. I know that some bishops don't react like this because they think the act of identifying as gay is wrong, and this just pushes the person farther away from the church.
• His mom goes looking for information that's out there, but is only able to find politically charged support groups. She's not interested in politics or gay rights, only in finding a way to help her son and make his life as easy as possible, because she loves him.
• Chad has his ups and down in the book, finding what this means for him and what it means for his relationship with Paul and also dealing with other people's reactions, including his own parents (because they think he might catch "the gay"). In the end he sticks next to his friend and stands up for him, even when others start saying that he's gay too and call him the same horrible names. This is the kind of friend I want next to me, and what I try to be.

Not all the reactions were good, which is probably something every one has experienced also. Paul joins the GSA (gay-straight alliance) at his high school because he needs people who understand that part of him and make him feel like he belongs somewhere. Unfortunately, they don't like the fact that he's Mormon and tell him that he should just forget about the church. It's hard for them to understand why he can't give up something that they view as so hateful. This is a problem I can relate to. Many people don't understand why I can't just stop being gay, and on the other hand people have told me that I'm not being true to myself if I keep letting the church tell me what to do. I always find it interesting when people get mad if you don't accept them, but have no problem not accepting others for everything they are. This is why I am very grateful that here at BYU we have USGA where everyone understands the struggle of living these two equally important parts of you and finding that balance inside of you.

To add an even deeper level, Langford places it in a time when a gay marriage law is trying to pass and shows just how quickly people become political and forget the whole point is to love one another. I guess it's just the way that I think, but I was very surprised at how many of the characters were so quick to call faggot (his church youth group especially) and ostracize him, and associate his being gay to his being a bad person. I never came out very openly before college so I'm not sure if it's just teenagers can be cruel, or if I've just been very lucky to find people who aren't so stupid. It also made me appreciate my own parents' reaction a lot more.

I really enjoyed this book, but the ending got to me a little. The message I walked away with is that it would be better to just ignore this part of you and go on living in the church in silence. This may not be the message Jonathan Langford was attempting to send, who knows. I personally just think that I couldn't do that. For me I needed to accept my being lesbian as much as I needed my being Mormon. I needed to be able to love that part of me before I could accept any of me. Had I read this a few years back I'm not sure I would have been brave enough to really search for that love for myself. I would have been more scared and more in the closet. Maybe that's why I haven't found it before now. But the truth is, Langford's story is a reality for some people. Over all I recommend reading it for yourselves, and especially approaching it with a truly open mind.

~Bridey J