My "At One Ment"

I gave a talk in church today.  Thought I would share.  I was only allowed to record the audio.  The beginning is just me being me, so I felt it would be a little inauthentic to leave it out.  If you wanna get right to the talk skip to 0:51 seconds.  I hope you enjoy.

~Bridey J.

Journey

I've been AWOL this last month, trying to recover from the high that came after the panel and the video and the equally intense nothingness that came in the weeks afterwards.  I'm sure there's all five or so of you that might check my blog fairly regularly and to you I apologize for my absence.  To the rest of you...suck it up, I'm allowed to take a vacation.  I still have about a million posts I've half written, started and never finished, that I'm planning on finishing soon.  So just keep your pants on.

My dad told me before I started this blog to be careful.  It doesn't take a lot of brain power to go on the internet and complain about stuff.  I hope to inspire and uplift my readers.  Sometimes I'm not sure I can do that, but I will try my best to leave you with something to think about.  I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, most of which feel very heavy and deep.  Many of these things I have thought through many times and I thought them to be resolved within me.  But as a very wise, bearded friend recently shared with me, peace is a journey, not a destination.

This last weekend I went down to St. George, UT with some friends.  Usually when I go hang out down there I spend Sundays watching the Game Show Network in my condo while eating cheese-its and taking advantage of the opportunity to just do nothing.  However, I've been doing a lot of nothing lately, so at the request of my amigos we went to an early morning sacrament service at the nearby Mormon congregation.  I have been somewhat avoiding church lately.  It feels different and it's like I'm the only one who notices.  I could go into some "square peg/round hole" analogy, but it's not that at all.  For so long I was focused on this idea that once I resolved the struggles and issues I had with my sexuality things would go back to the way they were and I would stop feeling so distant from the peace and acceptance I was promised the gospel would bring to my life.  But just like Schrodinger discovered, you can't unknow the cat is dead.  The things I have lived through have shaped me different.  It's not just that I feel like I don't fit in, the truth is I know I don't fit anymore.  

My whole life I've been told that there is a path that is narrow and hard, but it's also the way to eternal happiness.  Now I find that I'm not on the path I thought I was at all.  I go to church and can clearly see that the life that lay in front of me is so different from the one everyone else will travel.  Not just being gay, but everything is different.  The answers they give in Sunday school seem empty for me.  Even messages about families and the temple cut deep into my heart.  It all means something else now.  Words that used to easily bring comfort now just leave a feeling of indifference. I am on the road less traveled by, but I don't recall a diverging fork anywhere.  I don't know if this road has the same destination, and that scares me every day.  Even though I have accepted myself, that doesn't mean I am at peace.

I often forget that my journey is far from over.  The destination, whatever it may be, is miles in the distance.  I may find peace many more times, and just as many times it might be taken from me.  I need to trust that this is not what the next sixty years will feel like.  I need to have faith that there is something to hope for.  I sometimes wonder if my choices are between an empty life and a hollow eternity.  If I choose what makes me happy today, will the promise of eternal joy still be mine?  Each day I get out of bed is a choice to believe there is something more waiting for me in the next sunrise.  I have to believe that, or I don't think I'll have the strength to continue.

~Bridey J.

A Peace of My Mind

I feel like I'm in a time of my life where being lesbian is really no longer a problem for me. I understand that it's not a reflection of my character or any sort of punishment from some higher being. I'm not being anything other than myself, and if this happens to be part of it, then so be it. Now my goal is to just figure out the rest of life. Simple, right?

I feel like I have been through so much that I need to start over. I need to figure out exactly what is me and what is the residual feelings and ideas of what I'm "supposed" to be. I need to be genuine and unafraid...but what I'm finding is that it's quite scary to be truthful about who I am.

My first plan was to approach the church with fresh eyes. I would look at this familiar world without the shame that had always hung over me. I was certain that I would finally be happy in the church and in the gospel now that I no longer doubted my worth at ever turn. But what I'm finding is that the more I try to throw myself into church, the more the unrest intensifies. The place that I have been taught my whole life would bring me joy and happiness only seems to be leaving me without. My goal has never been to become the "perfect Molly Mormon". The only end I strive for is to be a good person.

So what am I to think when I'm doing everything I'm "supposed" to do to be a good person and find happiness and it only seems to be getting farther and farther away? One of the biggest contributors is this feeling that I am supposed to want certain things to be happy...and I just can't. I'm taught that true lasting happiness comes from marrying a man in the temple...I don't want that...I can't want that, I've tried. Since I know I don't ultimately want it, I'm not particularly going out of my way to make sure I have a recommend...that's not to say I'm unworthy in any way, I just don't have one. Why would I want to work so hard for something that some leader that doesn't even know ME might one day decide I don't really deserve for no other reason than me just being honest about being me? If they take it from me, that would hurt so much worse than being without. I've found peace in the decision to be without one at this point in my life, and I have felt like I shouldn't let this plague me any longer. But, here's where the church culture sneaks in, despite my best efforts. The way it seems we've been taught is that having a temple recommend is the paragon of worthiness, and if you don't have a current one it's as if you are a second-class member. How am I ever supposed to feel happy when everything I try just constantly reinforces the idea that I am not enough?

I have this friend named Ty. We talk about ALL the things. He has helped me countless times when I couldn't quite form coherent thoughts from the mumbo jumbo that floats around my head. With his help I have sifted through my thoughts and realized so much...

I don't really care if I'm always happy. No one is always going to be happy. What I really want is peace. There is a battle still raging inside of me and I just want peace from it all. I truly believe that it's not necessarily happiness that we are all searching for, but actually peace. Like I said in my last post, I have felt peace before and I pray to feel it again. What I'm wondering now is if people will let me find it. Some may think it's unusual, or impossible, to feel the spirit where I have and about the things I pray for, but what makes my happiness less legitimate than theirs? Why does it matter how we get to that place of joy or happiness? Shouldn't it matter more that we find it and feel it with love? I just wonder if they would really let me go, if doing so would finally bring me peace.

~Bridey J