Let the Consequence Follow

I attended the Utah County PFLAG meeting a few nights ago and I talked a bit about what we were doing at the Y. People asked the same two questions as always..."the administration allows it?" and "do people get in trouble for going?". If I'm being honest with the world, which I feel I need to be on here, I've always wanted to answer those questions with "Does it matter?". I know a lot of people look at us and say we're changing things, and that we're leaders in this big political/religious movement, but it's never been about that for me. The reason USGA is there is for the people that come. I've said it before and I'll say it again...this school needs USGA. I've heard countless stories about how much of a difference it has made for people, just to be able to come and be completely and honestly themselves for two hours a week, and not do it alone. I really have no political agenda, or religious agenda, or even a gay agenda for that matter. I come every week and I continue to make a place for the people. I don't care who disagrees with me, even if that is the very administration of the institution I go to, or the leaders of the church I belong to.

In church I learned the hymn Do What is Right. My favorite verse is #3, but the thing I want to pull here is the chorus. It says "Do what is right, let the consequence follow...God will protect you; then do what is right". I feel like not a lot of people really live up to this, even though we talk about it all the time. "So-and-so was not afraid to bear her testimony"..."what's-his-name refused to work on Sundays"...blah blah blah. What about standing up for your fellow human being and not caring what others think? What about loving your neighbor UNCONDITIONALLY! That means love that is not limited or restricted, does not impose or depend on anything else, or is not determined or influenced by someone or something else. It is complete and absolute. It is the love Christ has for each of us. Anything less than that is not true unconditional love.

I don't care if what I am doing with USGA gets me in trouble with the BYU administration. I don't really care what happens to me. USGA is not about me. It's about everyone who comes. It's about building a safe place to feel Christ's love. It's about paying that love forward to your brothers and sisters no matter what they are going through. It's about coming and hearing these people essentially bearing their testimonies of the true love they have felt from Heavenly Father, knowing that He loves them as a gay person, and that He approves of the path they have chosen. I feel the spirit more often in USGA than I do in church anymore.

I have heard lots of people, from my fellow students all the way up to people in the administration itself, say that they think it's great what I'm trying to do here, yet that's as far as it goes. They refuse to talk about it, or step forward and support it. You have no idea how many times I've heard from people that "their hands are tied". It just hurts to see these people who claim to be Christians and act with the love of Christ sit there and not have enough faith to do what they feel is right and stand up for what they say they believe. I know that this is where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing. I will do what I know to be true and will let the consequences follow. I know that I have God on my side and that He loves me, so what else should I fear.

~Bridey J.

I Live For Thursdays

So I'm not sure if anyone could tell by my writing or not, but I only live Friday though Wednesday just so I can get to Thursdays. This is not to say that the rest of the week is just not worth living, but USGA is where I feel alive. I love walking in and seeing the room filled to the edge people. I know I don't interact much (the burden of an introvert), and most people just see me as the person in charge, but I feel like it's my family. This is what I was looking for since I came to BYU, and now I'm the reason it's still around. It's where I feel happy, and at peace. It's where I get my extra boost for the week. I often think it's the way I was taught I should feel when I go to church, but I don't think people would like it if I said "I know the homos are true". I have watched it grow since almost the beginning, and there are so many new faces and so many people supporting us that can't make it on Thursdays. It's amazing all the lives I know we touch.

I hear other say they feel this way too. I know that some people plan their whole class and work schedules around Thursday nights. I've often wanted to ask everyone to write a little something about what USGA means to them and then make it a book. Maybe that can be our next class project. ;)

~Bridey J

Hey Listen

I feel like I want to write, but I don't know what to say. I feel like I have so much inside of me that I want to get out before I explode. My friend Braidan says I should just write and let it come out and worry about making sense later. But I can also hear my dad's voice in the back of mind warning me not to complain. It's not that I'm not allowed to complain, but it really doesn't take a lot of effort to get online and start complaining to the anonymous world you never really have to face. If I'm going to give myself a voice I want it to be strong, and worth listening to. I want to be heard.

My whole life I've felt like I've never really been heard. It always seemed like time after time I didn't even have control over my own life. I somehow couldn't understand how to play the game. Kids used to pick on me when I was younger. I tried telling teachers, but no one listened. This one girl was especially mean calling me names every single day, so I finally did something. I got her unlisted phone number from one of her friends and told her that if she didn't stop I would have my parents call her parents and tell them what she's been doing. She started to cry and make this big scene and the teachers came over and in the end I was the one who got in trouble because I made her cry. No one even cared that she was the one making me cry every day.

This last semester here at the BYU I had roommates who treated me like I was nothing. They passive aggressively (and sometimes not so passively) made me feel ashamed of who I was for no other reason than they didn't like it. They told me I was against what they believed and that it was my fault that they were angry. I would sit in my bed all day thinking of how I could fix this and the only thing I could think of was to not be gay anymore. I had tried all that before, so I know the only way to do that would be to not live any more. I went to the administration and told them how bad it was, but all I heard was that these girls had a right to hate me because I refused to change.

Listen, I don't know who's reading this. I don't know if you found this because we're friends on Facebook, or you know me from USGA. For all I know you accidentally clicked the wrong link and have no clue where you are. I remember searching all over the internet for hours at a time for anybody out there who might understand the hell I was going through. I was desperately looking for someone who would give me a voice, because mine has been stomped out over and over again. Now I'm screaming at the top of my lungs...but is anybody listening?

~Bridey J

Tender Mercies

Last night my friends and I went out for some late night ice cream. Seriously, out of nowhere, this girl comes up to me and asks "are you Bridey Jensen". I was very confused, but answered in the affirmative, as it is the truth. She told me that she was in one of the classes that I went and spoke to, about being lesbian and Mormon at BYU. She said she has a friend up here (meaning BYU) who is gay and just needs something else. She wanted to come to USGA so I gladly gave her the info. At this point she got a little choked up and thanked us over and over for the things we were doing (meaning talking to classes and USGA and such). She said she knows a lot of people who need what we're doing, and that whether we know it or not we are saving lives.

There are times where I wonder if what I'm doing makes a difference at all. Then things like this happen and it makes me so happy. Thank you, kind stranger, for reminding me that the things I do matter to someone.

~Bridey J

Caught in the Middle

For my entire life I have always been part of two worlds. Since I can remember I have always been deaf. I never knew it was different until I was four years old, when I yelled at my dad for not knowing. He was whispering something in my left ear and I was mad because I thought he was doing it on purpose to bother me. That was the moment I realized I was different. After many audio tests, MRI's, and probably twice as much sedative as most small children ever need (I had lots of energy) the doctors told me and my parents that they didn't know why I was deaf and that they couldn't do anything to help me hear more. That was the moment I realized I would always be different.

Thanks to a mom who had a masters degree in speech pathology and a dad who read books to me every night, I could speak and read just like anyone else by the time I started school. However, I'm not sure if this was enough for the rest of the world. There was a kid in my kindergarten class that I called "Cow", and it wasn't until years later that I finally realized his name must have been "Kyle". Teachers refused to believe me when I told them I was deaf, because I spoke so well and I was so smart (because many people still find deaf and dumb synonymous) so I hardly ever got classroom accommodations. They would always ask "well where's your hearing aids?". I'm certain these teachers would also not believe you were blind until you put on sunglasses. I later found out from friends that other kids would say some really mean stuff right next to me because they knew I couldn't hear them doing it. Even when I was with my friends I felt isolated, stringing together whole conversations on the few words I could catch.

Now after almost 24 years of lip reading, learning body language, and asking "what?" more than all the jeopardy contestants ever...combined, I'm considered quite "well adjusted". You would never know it by looking at me or hearing me speak. Even close friends who have known me for years are quite surprised when I tell them. I've learned to adapt. I bought special headphones, and always turn on closed captioning. I even went as far as getting a titanium hearing appliance surgically implanted in my head so I can filter back round noise and locate where sound comes from. Now I set off all the airport metal detectors. I'm not in any way miserable because of this part of my life, but not a day goes by without me wishing I could hear. It's the little things, really. Like if I ask "what" too many times most people say "never mind" and I never find out, and things that are quickly whispered I know are gone forever, and it's really embarrassing to suddenly notice someone has been talking to you for the past five minutes thinking you heard every word. It's just a reminder that there is this world that i'm not quite a part of because every day I'm missing so much of it.

On the other hand you have completely different fingers. I started learning sign language when I was little and I absolutely loved it. I didn't have to hear someone to communicate and that idea was so exciting. I slowly taught myself more as I grew up, but I didn't take my first class until college. Oh my Goodness! It was amazing! It's like this world that has forever been closed to me was finally opened up and I never want to go back. It's such a beautiful language and comes with such an amazing culture. It's so expressive and full of life. I know if I try to explain some of you won't understand, but I'm trying anyway. It's like you hear with your eyes, and it's amazing. There's no more straining to lip read, or missing conversations. The culture is amazing and often makes more sense to me than hearing culture. The history is full of people standing up for themselves and creating a world of their own when no one else thought they were worth it. I wish so many times that I could call this history my own. I wish I had grown up in this culture and been a part of these people. I wish I was Deaf.

I'm hearing and I'm deaf. I don't quite have either world that claims all of me. There are things from both sides that I have taken from to create my own little world. I can't give up one or the other, because I belong to both. Two seemingly mutually exclusive worlds. Yet here I am, proof that water and oil can mix sometimes.

~Bridey J

A Peace of My Mind

I feel like I'm in a time of my life where being lesbian is really no longer a problem for me. I understand that it's not a reflection of my character or any sort of punishment from some higher being. I'm not being anything other than myself, and if this happens to be part of it, then so be it. Now my goal is to just figure out the rest of life. Simple, right?

I feel like I have been through so much that I need to start over. I need to figure out exactly what is me and what is the residual feelings and ideas of what I'm "supposed" to be. I need to be genuine and unafraid...but what I'm finding is that it's quite scary to be truthful about who I am.

My first plan was to approach the church with fresh eyes. I would look at this familiar world without the shame that had always hung over me. I was certain that I would finally be happy in the church and in the gospel now that I no longer doubted my worth at ever turn. But what I'm finding is that the more I try to throw myself into church, the more the unrest intensifies. The place that I have been taught my whole life would bring me joy and happiness only seems to be leaving me without. My goal has never been to become the "perfect Molly Mormon". The only end I strive for is to be a good person.

So what am I to think when I'm doing everything I'm "supposed" to do to be a good person and find happiness and it only seems to be getting farther and farther away? One of the biggest contributors is this feeling that I am supposed to want certain things to be happy...and I just can't. I'm taught that true lasting happiness comes from marrying a man in the temple...I don't want that...I can't want that, I've tried. Since I know I don't ultimately want it, I'm not particularly going out of my way to make sure I have a recommend...that's not to say I'm unworthy in any way, I just don't have one. Why would I want to work so hard for something that some leader that doesn't even know ME might one day decide I don't really deserve for no other reason than me just being honest about being me? If they take it from me, that would hurt so much worse than being without. I've found peace in the decision to be without one at this point in my life, and I have felt like I shouldn't let this plague me any longer. But, here's where the church culture sneaks in, despite my best efforts. The way it seems we've been taught is that having a temple recommend is the paragon of worthiness, and if you don't have a current one it's as if you are a second-class member. How am I ever supposed to feel happy when everything I try just constantly reinforces the idea that I am not enough?

I have this friend named Ty. We talk about ALL the things. He has helped me countless times when I couldn't quite form coherent thoughts from the mumbo jumbo that floats around my head. With his help I have sifted through my thoughts and realized so much...

I don't really care if I'm always happy. No one is always going to be happy. What I really want is peace. There is a battle still raging inside of me and I just want peace from it all. I truly believe that it's not necessarily happiness that we are all searching for, but actually peace. Like I said in my last post, I have felt peace before and I pray to feel it again. What I'm wondering now is if people will let me find it. Some may think it's unusual, or impossible, to feel the spirit where I have and about the things I pray for, but what makes my happiness less legitimate than theirs? Why does it matter how we get to that place of joy or happiness? Shouldn't it matter more that we find it and feel it with love? I just wonder if they would really let me go, if doing so would finally bring me peace.

~Bridey J

Spirituality ╪ Religion

Last night at USGA we had a discussion about religion. The thing we all have in common up here at the BYU is we are somehow presently, or before, connected to the LDS church. And just like everywhere else in life when you get a bunch of Mormons together (or just people in general) everyone is going to be at varying degrees in their relationship to the church. Seeing as how we are a people whose very existence seem to contradict their own religion, we thought it would an important topic to address. I'm not gonna lie, I was a bit nervous when this idea came up in our planning meeting. I tend to always think of the worse case scenario, and I was afraid that it would end up being a small attack on the LDS church. But to my joy and relief this was possibly one of the better meetings we've had. I am slightly ashamed that I didn't have more faith in my friends, but I'm happy to have been proved wrong.

Many people in the group still attend church to some extent. Some are still trying to find the balance between these seemingly mutually exclusive halves of themselves. Others have already found harmony inwardly and are now only trying to change the outside to match. While others still are finding it necessary to just step away from the church right now in order to find peace. What gave me hope yesterday was to hear people, with all different feelings about the church, each bear their testimonies of God's love for them, and the truthfulness of the gospel. I saw people talking with each other, and jumping at the chance to ease each other's pain. I felt a type of authenticity and truth I haven't known in a long time. I felt so peaceful in that room, I crave to feel it again.

Dare I say I felt the spirit in a place where it is sometimes encouraged to leave the church? People might find it strange that one can have a testimony of their homosexuality, but the fact is that many of us have felt God's approval of accepting our whole selves. Just because someone may not be close to the LDS church does in no way reflect upon the relationship they have with their Heavenly Father and the personal truths they have felt. All I know is that it has been said that the adversary can imitate a feeling of the spirit, such as a burning in the bosom or intense emotion, but he cannot fake a feeling of peace. And I know what I felt last night was peace.

~Bridey J