Boxes

I was talking with a friend not too long ago about her reluctance to come out.  She said that she doesn't think she's ready to be put in box of what people think she is, or what they think she should be if she comes out as a lesbian.  I almost immediately wanted to go on about how amazing it's been for me since I came out to the world (literally), because it has given me so much room to just be myself.  I no longer feel like I'm lying to people or pretending to be something I'm not.  When I don't have to worry so much about what people think I am or think I should be it allows me to be what ever I want, which is just me.  But you know what?  Just because I have found this new freedom, doesn't mean that it's right for everyone to do the same thing I did (and certainly not the same way I did it).

After thinking about it for a few days, I have to say I understand her fear.  For the longest time I was afraid to call my self a lesbian.  I would always phrase it that I was "attracted to women".  I told myself that it was because that was easier for people to handle or understand than "I'm gay!"  Later on I realized it was because I was afraid that if I called myself a Lesbian then people would think I was lying if I ever dated a boy.  If they thought I might be lying about my orientation, how legitimate would my pain still be to them?  I was afraid they would think I was lying about that too.




On the other hand, I really did once have a roommate tell me, after many months of being out to her and becoming close friends, that if I had come out to her as lesbian (instead of same-sex attracted) she might not have given me the chance to get to know me the way she did.  For her the term Lesbian or Gay came with a lot of baggage.  We were roommates over the year that I really came in to myself and finally became comfortable with who Bridey really is, and not just in a gay way.  Through our friendship I was able to show her that labeling oneself as gay or lesbian (or any other letter of the ever expanding acronym for non cis-heterosexuals) didn't change a person for the worse, or even for the better.  That being said, not labeling yourself as anything doesn't change you either.

I personally believe that labels are a way to belong and not feel lost.  To be able to say "I am this thing that a lot of other people are".  Putting yourself in a box where there are a lot of other people can feel safe, and make you feel not so secluded or alone.  It should be for yourself and no one else.  It's to help you figure out who you are and finding a place you feel you belong.  When other people start to use this safe place to restrict them from imagining you complexly, that's when boxes become a problem.

Boxes, both metaphorical and cardboard, are for organizing things.  The way our minds work, it is easier to put ourselves and others in boxes, or to label, stereotype, or categorize them.  But the individual should always supersede what's written on the boxes.  The individual is ever changing through time.  Boxes can be entered, left, and redefined multiple times during one life.  We need to learn to not define people, including ourselves, by the boxes they may frequent.

~Bridey J.