A Peace of My Mind

I feel like I'm in a time of my life where being lesbian is really no longer a problem for me. I understand that it's not a reflection of my character or any sort of punishment from some higher being. I'm not being anything other than myself, and if this happens to be part of it, then so be it. Now my goal is to just figure out the rest of life. Simple, right?

I feel like I have been through so much that I need to start over. I need to figure out exactly what is me and what is the residual feelings and ideas of what I'm "supposed" to be. I need to be genuine and unafraid...but what I'm finding is that it's quite scary to be truthful about who I am.

My first plan was to approach the church with fresh eyes. I would look at this familiar world without the shame that had always hung over me. I was certain that I would finally be happy in the church and in the gospel now that I no longer doubted my worth at ever turn. But what I'm finding is that the more I try to throw myself into church, the more the unrest intensifies. The place that I have been taught my whole life would bring me joy and happiness only seems to be leaving me without. My goal has never been to become the "perfect Molly Mormon". The only end I strive for is to be a good person.

So what am I to think when I'm doing everything I'm "supposed" to do to be a good person and find happiness and it only seems to be getting farther and farther away? One of the biggest contributors is this feeling that I am supposed to want certain things to be happy...and I just can't. I'm taught that true lasting happiness comes from marrying a man in the temple...I don't want that...I can't want that, I've tried. Since I know I don't ultimately want it, I'm not particularly going out of my way to make sure I have a recommend...that's not to say I'm unworthy in any way, I just don't have one. Why would I want to work so hard for something that some leader that doesn't even know ME might one day decide I don't really deserve for no other reason than me just being honest about being me? If they take it from me, that would hurt so much worse than being without. I've found peace in the decision to be without one at this point in my life, and I have felt like I shouldn't let this plague me any longer. But, here's where the church culture sneaks in, despite my best efforts. The way it seems we've been taught is that having a temple recommend is the paragon of worthiness, and if you don't have a current one it's as if you are a second-class member. How am I ever supposed to feel happy when everything I try just constantly reinforces the idea that I am not enough?

I have this friend named Ty. We talk about ALL the things. He has helped me countless times when I couldn't quite form coherent thoughts from the mumbo jumbo that floats around my head. With his help I have sifted through my thoughts and realized so much...

I don't really care if I'm always happy. No one is always going to be happy. What I really want is peace. There is a battle still raging inside of me and I just want peace from it all. I truly believe that it's not necessarily happiness that we are all searching for, but actually peace. Like I said in my last post, I have felt peace before and I pray to feel it again. What I'm wondering now is if people will let me find it. Some may think it's unusual, or impossible, to feel the spirit where I have and about the things I pray for, but what makes my happiness less legitimate than theirs? Why does it matter how we get to that place of joy or happiness? Shouldn't it matter more that we find it and feel it with love? I just wonder if they would really let me go, if doing so would finally bring me peace.

~Bridey J