Pride

This was my first time going to a pride festival.  My over all assessment is that it's a lot like the Medieval Fair that happens every year in Norman, OK.  "How so?" you might ask.  I will tell you.

There are three distinct groups of people that attend.

1. Those that finally get a time to be themselves and not be stared at.  They dress in all manor of outrageous, colorful, and sometimes shocking clothes (if any at all) that tell the world "today you see on the outside who I am on the inside every other day".
2. Those that use this opportunity to dress like the #1  people for the sole reason of "because we can".
3. Those that are there mostly for the food, the attractions, and to buy stuff.

Now I have absolutely no problem with people dressing up and celebrating something.  It's never bothered me when my guy friends would wear their kilts to school the week of the Med Fair (unless they went commando on a windy day). But it really gets under my skin that so many people come to pride dressed up in drag and in over-sexualized versions of what society seems to think the "gay lifestyle" is. Now don't misunderstand me. If that's who you really are, and this is your way of celebrating you, then by all means be loud and proud.  But I always thought the point of Pride was to show people that you are proud of exactly who you are. If you don't dress or act like that the other 363 days of the year, why would you do that on the two days that are all about celebrating you?  I just don't understand.  I'm very sure that Salt Lake City is quite tame compared to New York, Seattle or even San Francisco.

That being said, I would like to say that this year I was able to celebrate who I am.  I had the incredible opportunity to be part of a group of us that received the Utah Pride Courage Award on behalf of the USGA members that worked to make the "It Get's Better" video.  This year's grand marshal, the ridiculously beautiful Dustin Lance Black, presented the award to us. This meant so much to me because he's not only a Hollywood celebrity, but he is also an openly gay Mormon himself (not to mention a small town Texas boy).

Grand Marshal Dustin Lance Black leading the parade.

The next day I participated in the very first group of Mormons marching in a pride parade. Under the name "Mormon Building Bridges" over 300 LDS members came out, dressed in their Sunday best, to show the LGBT community that they have allies where they never thought they would. We were originally somewhere toward the back of the parade, but DLB insisted that we were up front with him. 

Mormons Building Bridges (I'm on the front right)

There were people, both in the group and in the crowd, that were just bawling. So many people never thought they would ever see a day when these two seemingly mutually exclusive worlds would come together like this.  The amount of love that was present there was unbelievable. It was almost overwhelming at moments.  I saw members marching with their little children and holding signs that said "Jesus said love Everyone" and "I'll walk with you, I'll talk with you" from the primary song written by Carol Lynn Pearson for her gay husband.  I also looked out into the crowd and saw all these spectators cheering and screaming for us. It meant something to them that there were people that were willing to stand up and tell them "I love you because of who you are, not in spite of it". They were so accepting. I'm talking about both sides.  That morning there was no longer an "us" and "them".  There was only "we".  It gave me hope about my own future.

This is who I am.  I am a Lesbian.  I am a Mormon.  This year I got to show people I am proud of that.

~Bridey J

Journey

I've been AWOL this last month, trying to recover from the high that came after the panel and the video and the equally intense nothingness that came in the weeks afterwards.  I'm sure there's all five or so of you that might check my blog fairly regularly and to you I apologize for my absence.  To the rest of you...suck it up, I'm allowed to take a vacation.  I still have about a million posts I've half written, started and never finished, that I'm planning on finishing soon.  So just keep your pants on.

My dad told me before I started this blog to be careful.  It doesn't take a lot of brain power to go on the internet and complain about stuff.  I hope to inspire and uplift my readers.  Sometimes I'm not sure I can do that, but I will try my best to leave you with something to think about.  I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, most of which feel very heavy and deep.  Many of these things I have thought through many times and I thought them to be resolved within me.  But as a very wise, bearded friend recently shared with me, peace is a journey, not a destination.

This last weekend I went down to St. George, UT with some friends.  Usually when I go hang out down there I spend Sundays watching the Game Show Network in my condo while eating cheese-its and taking advantage of the opportunity to just do nothing.  However, I've been doing a lot of nothing lately, so at the request of my amigos we went to an early morning sacrament service at the nearby Mormon congregation.  I have been somewhat avoiding church lately.  It feels different and it's like I'm the only one who notices.  I could go into some "square peg/round hole" analogy, but it's not that at all.  For so long I was focused on this idea that once I resolved the struggles and issues I had with my sexuality things would go back to the way they were and I would stop feeling so distant from the peace and acceptance I was promised the gospel would bring to my life.  But just like Schrodinger discovered, you can't unknow the cat is dead.  The things I have lived through have shaped me different.  It's not just that I feel like I don't fit in, the truth is I know I don't fit anymore.  

My whole life I've been told that there is a path that is narrow and hard, but it's also the way to eternal happiness.  Now I find that I'm not on the path I thought I was at all.  I go to church and can clearly see that the life that lay in front of me is so different from the one everyone else will travel.  Not just being gay, but everything is different.  The answers they give in Sunday school seem empty for me.  Even messages about families and the temple cut deep into my heart.  It all means something else now.  Words that used to easily bring comfort now just leave a feeling of indifference. I am on the road less traveled by, but I don't recall a diverging fork anywhere.  I don't know if this road has the same destination, and that scares me every day.  Even though I have accepted myself, that doesn't mean I am at peace.

I often forget that my journey is far from over.  The destination, whatever it may be, is miles in the distance.  I may find peace many more times, and just as many times it might be taken from me.  I need to trust that this is not what the next sixty years will feel like.  I need to have faith that there is something to hope for.  I sometimes wonder if my choices are between an empty life and a hollow eternity.  If I choose what makes me happy today, will the promise of eternal joy still be mine?  Each day I get out of bed is a choice to believe there is something more waiting for me in the next sunrise.  I have to believe that, or I don't think I'll have the strength to continue.

~Bridey J.

It's Been A While

First I would like to apologize to what ever readers I actually have out there.  I have about six or seven posts I've started and then decided I would finish it at a later time and then never came back.  I've been dealing with who knows how many people these last few weeks because of the panel we had on campus, and then the seemingly-perfectly-timed-and-planned-but-in-reality-not-really-planned-at-all release of the group's "It Get's Better" video (I already posted it somewhere on here), and all the press from that.  My name is now in I can't even begin to count number of newspapers, magazines, blog posts, and other internet things.  Weirdly enough, my biggest concern is that someone will hear my name and like it and give it to their child and then I won't be the only one, because I like my name and I really like being the only one.  On top of all that crazy stuff happening, I had finals.  My dad might murder me a little (or a lot) if I admit that all this Gay stuff might have had a negative effect on my final grades, because it really stressed me out and left me with not a lot of time to study in the end...so let's keep that between you and me.

I have talked to so many people, and have ignored so many more.  At first they were all asking "Why did you do it?" and "Who the hell are you?" and now all they're asking is "What's your real agenda? Why are being so vague? Does it really get better?" and crazy stuff like that.  I'm being analyzed and attacked from both sides and to those people I say...you may have listened, but you didn't really hear a single word we said...and I hate you all because you stress me out.

I feel like I have a lot to say, but when I think about it I get full of emotions.  I have this problem where no matter what I feel, be it happy, sad, angry, afraid, or sleepy, if I feel a lot of it then I will cry.  This is not a voluntary response, I assure you. Cut my hand off while juggling chainsaws...cry.  Feel like no one is really listening...cry.  Reading the chapter when Dumbledore dies...cry.  Can't find matching socks...cry.  Shout out to my great grandma Elfie, for passing on the crazy gene.  My point is that I will be moving forward and trying not to dwell on all the crazy things that have gone down and are sure to come.  I'm in a new place, and I might be getting an amazing job, and recently I've been spending my time with some extraordinary people.  Here's to the future the begins right now.

~Bridey J

It Gets Better

Wednesday night I was on a panel with some of my friends who are gay and out and help me run USGA. My friend Brandon and I have been doing this for the last two years (ish), but it's always been in individual classes. This week I came out to way more than the 600 students that were in attendance at this panel. I'm gonna talk about how I felt, not word for word what happened. If you want that please click here.

It was absolutely exhilarating! At one point Adam and I answered a question about our future and ha talked about how one day he hopes that he and his husband and his children will be coming to church as a family. He got a round of applause! At the end I bore my testimony about the love that I know that God has for every single person in that room and the love and acceptance I know he has for me as a lesbian that will end up with another woman. I got a standing ovation and I started to bawl my face off. It was so amazing!

If you want to continue the message I started please watch this video and then pass it on.

Bridey J.

My Story

I found myself on Youtube the other day. I know it might seem a bit lazy to post this instead of writing something, but not failing school comes first. Instead you should enjoy my pretty face talking to you for ten minutes :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKvTQk6mmTQ

Authenticity

I few weeks ago in USGA we had some people come and talk to us about their experience being in a mixed orientation marriage (one spouse is straight and the other is gay/lesbian). I know a lot of people in the gay community don't like this at all. They hate that members of the church expect gay people to enter into a mixed orientation marriage. That's not church policy, but it's what it feels like sometimes.

I have a friend who speaks to BYU classes with me. His name is Mark. He's a gay man whose experience was very different than what a lot of gay people go through. He never doubted God's love, or where he fit in the church. That is extremely atypical, and he is an extremely atypical person. He ended up marrying a woman and it seems perfectly right for him. He understands that this is not the path for everyone. He tries to remind people (especially the classes we speak to) that he is the exception, not the rule. He also emphasizes that he's still gay. Getting married did not "cure" him. In all the time I have known him and his wife I have never doubted that those two are meant for each other. I have also never thought that he was lying about his homosexuality. I really feel that he is being true and honest with himself, being an openly gay man happily married to this woman.

Recently in my life I have been made aware of an extreme anti-gay group here in Utah. Their platform centers around the idea that their son was "cured" of his homosexuality and that every other homosexual can be too. I don't want to dive into that much because that would distract from my point. When faced with the idea of a gay man or woman being fixed, most people would say "you can't fix was isn't broken". While I may not understand all of the "why's?" that come with it, I will never think that anyone is less of a human being because they are not a perfect Kinsey 0. Similarly, if this boy was struggling with any homosexual feelings he might have had and was able to find peace through somehow making them stop, then I am happy for him. But just like in my friend Mark's situation, he is an exception, NOT a rule. I truly hope with all my heart that no matter what this man went through, and is going through even now, he remains honest with himself.

I am striving daily to be honest with myself. The first step was admitting to myself nine years ago that I had feelings for girls, and not boys. Now it's admitting that as much as I seem to be okay with who I am, some part of me is still not (but I'm slowly getting there). I honestly don't know what my future holds (and I'm only 23 so I don't need to have the next 70 years planned out just yet), but chances are good that it will not be a mixed-orientation marriage. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that when I think about my future I think about sharing it with a woman, because that's what I want. I would also be lying if I told you that wanting that doesn't scare me a little sometimes. I just pray that what ever happens in my life I am able to remain me.

~Bridey J.

Spreading the Love

I found this today on the Youtube. It gives me some hope, that the things I'm doing do not go unnoticed and the things I'm saying do not fall on (metaphorically) deaf ears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=I7WpPyJXI_k