Hindsight is 20/20

A look back at how my 2011 went. I know everybody who has a blog is probably doing one of these, so I won't feel bad if you think "not another one" and skip right on to the next one.

I have this unfortunate habit of thinking in terms of school years, or sometimes how old I am at the time. And since neither the first day of school, nor my birthday, happen on December 31/January 1 (although my friend's birthday does) it's sometimes a bit hard for be to think back on a year in terms of the calendar year. But you ARE my favorite reader (don't tell the other's, they'll get jealous) so I'll try just for you ;)

January:
It started out at a new years eve party and we turned on the Glee soundtrack to bug my brother. So the first 30 minutes of 2011 were amazingly awesome. But it ended in the crazy hospital for a week, so who knows where this is headed.

February:

It's shorter than the other months. I've always wondered if this gave it a complex. I got a new roommate from BYU-H. She turned out to be amazing and took pictures of everything :)

March:

This month always gets lost in a blur of midterms and depression, so I bought a ukulele to help me make it through the winter.

April:

I was introduced to Doctor Who so catching up on that kinda of took over my world. Life has never been the same and I am not complaining one bit :D

May:

I started my blog! I realize I don't write as much as I would like, but it's good to know that I'm getting my voice out there somehow. I also accidentally came out to most of my family via this blog, but they have been so amazing, so it's all good.

June:

I rekindled an old childhood friendship via Facebook that has turned out to be nothing but amazing (I love you!) and I made it through my first semester teaching statistics. I've never stayed in Utah past April before, so it was an adventure. I was drained by the end, but it was worth it.

July:

First year that aerial fireworks were allowed in Provo, so of course people in my apartment complex were shooting them off well into the night. This wasn't so bad except the swamp cooler pulled in the smoky air from outside and the fire alarm kept going off all night long. I slept through it all though.

August:

I somehow officially inherited USGA.

September:

School started again, and I was quite optimistic, given the awesomeness of the previous school year. Unfortunately my roommates saw to it that life would be quite miserable.

October:

The beginning of this month is kind of a blur...but I do remember that I cut the head off a jello bear for my birthday and I dyed my hair blue. Also my friends and I were Amy Pond, River Song, and The Doctor for Halloween :)

November:

Circling the Wagons in SLC --> lots of new friends. So many late night parties with my friends. Passing out fliers and getting in trouble. Spent Thanksgiving with the extended family here in Utah, and got to eat real food.

December:

As a reward for not dying by now I went home to visit my family. I also finally read "The Hunger Games".

Overall it was a good year. It had some really rough patches, but I'm still alive, and kickin'.

2012...prepare to get your ass kicked.

~Bridey J

I Dreamed a Dream

True story from high school:

"Hey Kaity, you took AP Psych. Wanna analyze my dream?"

"Sure, what's it about?"

"Well it's about this giant carnivorous marshmallow and it was trying to eat me..."

"Well according to my textbook it's probably about your sexual frustration."

"Well, that's awkward..."

"Yeah..."

Lately I've been obsessed with dream analysis. The events in dreams are generally outside the control of the dreamer, unless you beat the system and realize you're dreaming before you wake up, but even then control is very limited. Many studies have concluded that most people believe that their dreams will reveal the meaningful hidden truths of their lives. This causes them to act irrationally about dreams. They try to put together unrelated information so the outcome will convey some important meaning. Before I make it sound like I'm calling dreams nonsense, let me say that most of these same studies also showed that we are irrational about our dreams the same way we are irrational in our day to day decisions. We just want to make them important.

In our seemingly never ending search for meaning, people will turn to dreams for answers and explanations. Many believe their dreams are predicting future events. Much of this is accomplished by only remembering the times it worked out and not the many times it doesn't. It is easy to take a distorted memory and retrospectively fit it into a life experience. Recalling dreams is extremely unreliable anyway, even if you're not trying to prove your own supposed premonitions. Most things only come back to you when randomly triggered by some visual or audio cue. This is where Déjà vu seems to come into things.

Some may try to keep a dream journal, (I am right now) writing in it the moment you wake up, but even this may not be perfect recall. An average 95% of your dream will never be remembered, no matter how hard you try. Even the memories we have of our waking life are constantly being changed in our minds every time you recall them. Our brains are not good at storing accurate memories, only narrative ones. So every time you run through the story in your head you're rewriting it as you go and things tend to change from one time to the next. If this is how our conscious mind works, I can only imagine how the the unconscious brain reacts when it's in the middle of a REM high and all of the junk floating around in your head is unleashed while the short-term-to-long-term-memory-converting chemicals in the brain are suppressed and then it is ripped from all of this in an instant by an annoyingly loud alarm clock. I'm not quite sure how accurate what gets written down can be. I'm imagining an anti gravity chamber with millions of blobs of different colored paint floating about...and then someone turns the gravity back on and all the paints falls strait down. I feel like being asked to remember a dream is like you're being asked to reconstruct

this --> by looking at this -->

As illustrated by the short anecdote at the beginning of this blog, we are often taught that to interpret dreams we have to understand the symbolism behind certain objects or happenings in them. I once heard if you dream of loosing your hair or teeth it actually means you're thinking of your own death. Or you could take the less gruesome, but equally creepy, approach of saying it's all about sex. This all comes back to my first point, that we are trying to make our dreams important. We are trying to find meaning beyond ourselves. It doesn't matter what it might mean to someone else. It matters what you feel and what you think of when you had the dream. The only important symbols are the ones that mean something to you. (It doesn't matter that Karen Gillan has been in my dreams, but it might matter that I'm quite in love with Amy Pond...)

A friend of mine has been helping me work through my dream journal and figuring out what it all means. I don't think it's gonna tell me any deep answers of the universe or anything. It's not like I live with a giant crack in my wall or something (if you get that, gold star). But what we've found is that the brain keeps working while you're sleeping. The dream is the brain's way of thinking and working through things while the rest of you is out of the way. While the events in the dreams have all been different, the overall theme of the dreams have in fact revealed some stuff about what my subconscious mind has been thinking about the things that occur in my waking life. The thoughts and stresses of life that I often put out of my mind, or on the back burner, resurface again through my dreams. By understanding what's truly plaguing my mind I can face it, and deal with it, and understand myself better.

I've had this recurring dream since I was ten years old. It's gotten to the point where my mind immediately knows I'm not in Kansas anymore and I can control everything I do. It's quite simple really...

I'm suddenly standing outside my house, the one I lived in when I was ten. I know that I need to find my bike, so I run up to the porch. I can choose to ride around the corner or down the street, but I can't choose both. I know it's a dream and that I'll wake up soon, so I need to move fast. I need to find her, my friend I left behind. I need to reach her before I wake up...

...but I always wake up. Many times I won't do anything for a long time, because I'm sick of being tricked. But when I don't wake up and I'm still just standing there, it almost feels so real I've been convinced I was really there and started to cry...so I try it again and wake up right as I get to her house. I sometimes think if I ever really go back to visit it might take me a while to truly believe I'm there. The strange thing is, she and I finally got back in touch (thank you facebook)...and suddenly the dream I had almost every week for thirteen years stopped. I haven't had it since. And when I see her again (hopefully soon) it really will be a dream come true :D

Now if only this would happen for the dreams where I'm Superman...

~Bridey J

Standing for Something

A few weeks back I was a part of a group of students that put together a small flier that we past out on campus in response to something that was posted in the school paper. I don't want to go into all of it, because that's not what this is about.

I was passing out fliers on the south side of campus when some guy pulled up on to the sidewalk with his car and started yelling at us to move. I went up to him, not wanting to yell or argue, but to just stand up for what I was doing. In our short conversation I asked if he knew what we were doing, and why he cared so much about it to demand that it stop. He was yelling about property lines and calling the cops. When he realized his yelling was getting nowhere he said "You know, there are better things to do with your life".

You know...at that moment, I'm not sure there was. I was speaking up instead of being silent. I was leading, and doing instead of just sitting by. I was standing for something I really believe in. Simple, but real. And that made it the best thing I could have been doing with my life.

I'm not saying this to give you ideas of rallying the troops and going out and stickin' it to the Man. I'm trying to say stand up for what you believe in. Not always in such a literal sense of the word standing, and not strictly in a religious sense either. If you believe in art, share it. If you believe in words, speak them and let them be heard. If you believe in love, live it and feel it. If you believe that pajama's were invented to be worn until noon and cereal is a perfectly good midnight meal, then don't you dare let anyone tell you otherwise. I guess what I'm trying to say is do something about the things you have passion for. Stand up, and be true to you. Live it with all of your guts. That's the best way I know how to live live.

~Bridey J

Thoughts From My Head

Today, this blog comes to you in 3 parts...

PART 1: Jobs I think would be hard:

• Ventriloquist in Antarctica: The one time it's not cool to be able to see your own breath.
  
• Making the Chinese version of Scrabble: I'm not even sure how that would work.
• Being Lady Gaga's tailor: I'm not sure how hard it is to sew meat together but...
• Streetwalker in Venice, Italy: I'm picturing needing snorkel and water-wings...so sexy.
  

PART 2: Real make or break moments:

• If I'm dancing in the kitchen and singing out of key you would join me and not make me stop to put on pants first.
• You understand that cold pizza IS an acceptable breakfast food.
  
• I have an obsession with Superman...deal with it.

PART 3: Things I don't understand

• When waiters tell you "If you need anything tonight, my name is So-and-So"...what is their name if I don't need anything?
• Sunflower seeds that have no shell are said to be "shelled", while seeds with the shells still on are called "unshelled".
• Fantasy Football.
  

Thanks for reading :D

~Bridey J

Drawn Together

I once had a friend of mine ask me how my first girlfriend and I found each other when everyone in the Mormon community is so closeted. I have often wondered how out of all the girls that came to school that year I lived across the hall from the one girl who would say yes. I've never understood it. My answer to him was that I was lucky. Years down the road I would meet other people in USGA only to find that we had been in classes together throughout the years and just never conversed. I've recently found out that at least three out of the six guys I hung out with everyday of freshman year are gay. The nail in the coffin for me was I discovered my best friend from elementary school is also a lesbian.

I often go and speak to classes around campus about my experience of being a gay Mormon at BYU (if you want me to come talk to your class, ask your teacher) and something we always say is that if you are sitting there thinking you don't have any gay friends, the truth is you do and they just haven't trusted you enough to tell you yet. Every time I said this I always thought I was the gay friend. I never thought there was someone waiting to come out to me. I only wish I had trusted more people and talked about it more before now. The guys I knew freshman year have all been best friends and roommates for 5 years (excluding time for missions) and they are just now coming out to each other. I can only imagine the type of support we could have been for each other, and I'm sad we went through it alone instead. I asked one friend why he thought we never talked about and discovered it before now and he simply said, "I wasn't ready to talk". Looking back, I'm not sure if I was or not, but I am glad I had these guys as friends. Somewhere inside they understood me, whether I realized just how much or not. Even knowing my childhood friend is a lesbian makes me realize I was never truly as alone as I thought. I like to think that had I not moved away we would have been the support the other was looking for. After twelve years we finally are.

I have a friend back home who is not gay, but she seems to be a magnet of sorts. We joke that she's really a gay man at heart, because gay men love her and vice versa. Every boy she started to like in high school would come out to her soon there after. For a long time she had a crush on my brother and was afraid to tell him because she was afraid he would turn gay. I used to tease her that she even came all the way to BYU and somehow found all the gay boys out here. Little did I know I would one day add myself to her list of gays. When I came out to her I remember her saying "WHAT! Are you serious? Why me!?" She doesn't have an issue with my being lesbian. It was more of a joking commentary of the thought "well, here's another one". I think there is just something about her, something felt but not seen, that lets us to know she is a good person and safe place.

As a scientist I have been taught that the universe is ever expanding and entropy is always increasing. So how is it that in this chaotic world, against all the odds, the gay Mormons find each other? Is it that we can sense each other somehow? A sixth sense perhaps, like a subconscious gaydar? What is it we sense in each other?

What ever it is, I truly believe that there is something fundamentally different about gay people, specifically LDS gays. We are, after all, a peculiar people within a peculiar people. We have grown up seeing the world in a different way and that has helped shape who we are. We sense that in each other, and others can too, even if they don't quite know what it is. What ever the answer is, my hope is that we continue to find each other and together create that safe haven we're all searching for.

~Bridey J

A Most Encircling Weekend

ATTENTION: This post will be frequently updated as more needed audio and video becomes available to add. Please keep coming back to find more. Thanks...

This weekend I had the amazing opportunity to attend the Mormon Stories conference "Circling the Wagons". Now that I am at home I find myself so emotionally and physically drained, but not in a bad way. In the same way that you feel so tired after exercising, climbing a mountain, or just having a conversation with a burning bush. It feels so good.

For most people it started on Friday afternoon, but for me and some good friends of mine it wasThursday night. One of the keynote speakers of this weekend's conference was LDS author Carol Lynn Pearson. I had just started reading her book "Goodbye, I Love You" about her life married to her homosexual husband. It's a heart breaking story, but so full of love and has been a real significant event in many of my friend's journeys. So I did something that I still feel was very out of the ordinary for me. I simply sent her an email asking if she would come and speak to a bunch of gay Mormon kids at BYU about...anything, really. I just knew that she was someone in the church who started facing this issue way before some of us were even born. Lately, my friends and I have been talking about how what we are doing is new, and there is no more map to follow, and that is scary as hell. So I thought hearing from someone who helped lay the first few bricks of the path might be helpful and encouraging. She quickly agreed and we were just absolutely thrilled. I think what surprised me the most is that I had done something. I'm finding a whole new part of myself that is opening new and exciting doors in my life. So Thursday night Carol Lynn used us as a sort dress rehearsal to practice her keynote speech. She talked to us about how each of us are going through what Joseph Campbell called "the Hero's journey".

(see below in Saturday's section to hear it)

We are each chosen for this "quest" of sorts, weather we wanted it or not, and if we make it through we can bring back some sort of "elixir" to the people we left behind. I've had a friend say that God is sending a lot of gay children to the earth right now, and we don't know why. In the bible there is a story of a man blind from birth and everyone is convinced he is this way because either he or his parents are sinners. But Christ says he is this way so that the works of God can be done through him. I think through us, the gay children, the world (and the church) will learn of a deeper level of loving one another.

Friday was quite a roller coaster of emotions as well. It was a small panel consisting of Carol Lynn Pearson (awesome lady) and Bill Bradshaw (a retired BYU professor with a gay son). It was a open Q&A about what ever we felt like we needed to talk about. Although many people asked some great questions, the one that seemed to grab everyone's focus was from a mother whose teenage son had just come out to her, but after a few hours of mowing the lawn took it all back. Everyone had some really good and supportive things to say to her. We have all been where either she or her son are and this was the community that she needed to find.

[audio recording will be posted here when it becomes available]

It was quite amazing. We took a raise-of-hands poll somewhere in the middle of the meeting and about 2/3 of the group was LGBTQ and 1/3 were strait allies. Carol Lynn herself announced to everyone about USGA and the kids down at BYU that were changing things and I even got to speak a little bit. So many people came up after words and just wanted to talk to us about everything we were doing. I guess I had never really thought before how much of an impact our little group was making on people outside of the BYU bubble.

Saturday was quite epic. We walked into a Baptist church building that was so beautiful and so peaceful. It had giant stained glass windows and a ceiling so high...oh I wish more LDS church buildings felt more like a place of worship like this. When we got there we slid in to the back row, which was really not all that far from the front. The audience was much larger than I had expected and it made me happy. It was a beautiful meeting. There was a choir and lovely talks by Joseph Broom, Lee Beckstead, and Carol Lynn Pearson.

(Video of Saturday's meeting: Joseph @ 27sec, Lee @ 13min, Carol Lynn @ 39min)

When the meeting was done we stood up and I looked behind me. When the meeting started we had been on the back row. Now there were over a hundred more people sitting in the rows behind us. It was amazing.

There were little break out sessions and I went to one about Lesbians. I honestly don't think I've been in a room with that many lesbians before, and it felt awesome. I was not alone. I mean, it's great that most of my friends are either gay men or straight women, but I need me some lesbians now and then. We talked about the idea of just being authentic and loving it. Most of us have found that when we finally accepted ourselves as lesbians and were honest about who we are and what we're going through, that is when we found a deeper love and spiritual meaning to everything. It's when joy started coming back into our lives.

• Q&A Panel: Affirmation, Family Fellowship, and North Star
• To Be or not to Be: The Power of Authenticity as a Mormon Lesbian
• A Father’s Journey Toward Understanding Homosexuality
• What Helps (and Hurts) in Resolving Sexual, Religious, and Social Conflicts
• A National Perspective on the Church and LBGTQ Issues
• It HAS Gotten Better: An Overview of LGBTQ History in Utah over the Past 30 Years

The rest of the conference followed suit in amazingness, so I'll just post the links and let you listen...

[audio/video recording will be posted here when it becomes available]

Sunday we had a little service together in a much smaller chapel. It was sort of structured like an LDS meeting, but not at the same time. Bishop Kevin Kloosterman, from the Chicago area, gave a talk that he's been getting a lot of slack for in the press. I thought it was beautiful though.

My favorite part was when Julia Hunter played her violin for us. Oh that absolutely made my heart melt. She kinda of did it a bit impromptu which made even more spectacular. I don't think she planned on playing a bunch of hymns, but I'm glad she did. I always sing to them in my head when the music is playing. The second song she played was a medley of hymns and the last song was "I'm Trying to be Like Jesus". The words of the chorus sounded loudly in my thoughts as her fingers let the music ring out... Love one another, as Jesus loves you. Try and show kindness in all that you do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, for these are the things Jesus taught... sometimes I think that we often forget the simple truths that we learn in primary. We look beyond the mark and become blind. Love is all we ask for, and I will do all I can to love others and become more like Christ.

I saw my friends touched by the spirit this weekend, which in turn touched me. Many people within the church may not understand how a bunch of gay people can come together and feel the spirit if what we are is said to be wrong and evil. But I know that these are some of the better people I know. The people I met at this conference were amazing. At the end of the Saturday session I got to be part of the "testimony" meeting. I have been so scared for a while because I just keep thinking that we're just a small group of kids, what can we do to change things. But when I looked behind me that morning and saw close to 300 people in the room things felt different. So many people are supportive of the work we're doing at BYU and they want to do anything they can to help. It's not just me, or a small group of my friends. I'm part of a bigger community of Gay Mormons who are starting to change things. What this weekend did for me was truly fill me with hope and I left knowing I am not alone, and things ARE getting better.

With much love...

~Bridey J

Just One

On Friday I spoke at a candle-light vigil held at UVU's courtyard. It was a really good experience. Up to the moment I took the microphone I had no idea what I was gonna say. As I began to introduce myself and USGA I had a thought pop into my head that had been floating around there for a while. Gandhi once said we need to be the change we want to see in the world. I used to think that was a stupid expression, because I thought it meant that first we had to change ourselves the way we wanted others to change. But the thing is, I already understood. I'm the one who was at an anti-hate vigil speaking about loving each other. We had actually talked about that very issue the day before in USGA. The people that come to these things, meetings and vigils, are the ones who already get it. So shouldn't we be saying that others should change, not us? But looking around that courtyard at those people I knew that these weren't just the people that already got it. They were the ones who wanted to do something about it. We need to be the change we want to see. If I want to see people loving each other and standing up for one another then I have to do so first. We have to be willing to stand for what we know is right, even if we stand alone sometimes.

I sometimes feel as if I'm only one person and I can't do very much at all. Many times my friends have to remind me that I'm not Superwoman, only Lois Lane. I will try and take on too much thinking I need to do more to be heard or make a difference, and then only wind up feeling sad when I can't do it all. But if you asked me if I really think that one person could make a difference, let alone change the world, I would tell you yes. Because if you think about it, everything that exists, before it existed, was just an idea that a person had.

That's why I write here. That's why I keep talking to people about this, and run USGA, and reach out. That's why, despite the bad experiences I've had, I have faith in people. I know that slowly, we can all make a difference.

~Bridey J

Roommate Roulette

College roommates. Many people live with people they know, friends they've made in classes, or roommates of years past that they have at least grown to tolerate. Some people I know could really care less about where they live or who it's with, because they spend more time in the library than they do at home anyway. This semester I, like many other students, played a little game of Roommate Roulette. This is where I pick a place I want to live and let chance fill in the other spots. I don't really require much, just the basics: a bed, a shower, and a closet with no door (so I can't get stuck in it again).

In the past, this has worked out for me. Like every other encounter you have with people there are likely to be a few bumps at least, but for the most part it has been good. I've been able to get close to a lot of different kinds of people and learn and grow as a person because of it. I also hope that these people walked away having learned something from me. This last year was the first year that I was outright open with my roommates about my sexuality. There were times when it did become an issue, but nothing that we couldn't ever sit down and talk about. Roommates can sometimes be awkward and painful, but they can provide really great friendships when it works...

This past summer I moved in with some friends who previously knew all about my being a lesbian and loved me for it. We could talk and joke about it all the time and for a short time I was able to find that balance between all the different parts that make up me. I was able to feel like I could embrace this side of myself without it being the part that I used to define who I was. It was an amazing summer.

Coming off of this entire year of feeling free to be me, I was quite optimistic about playing another round of roulette for the fall semester. I decided to not even try to hide who I was. In the past I have found that hiding, or even feeling like I need to, just leaves me feeling ashamed and scared even if I know there is no reason to be. I was just going to be me, and tell them when it came up (after all, they don't have to come out as straight to me). But this time the internet beat me to it. I am in a book a friend wrote called "Gay Mormons?" and when you Google my name you can read my chapter online. They knew I was lesbian before I even moved in...they never really took the time to get to know anything else about me. Within the first day they were already ignoring me around the apartment and reporting me to various BYU administration offices in an attempt to force me to do something. I'm still not quite sure what they were expecting. It didn't help that parents became involved and were disgusted that their daughter would be put in that kind of situation (living with someone who was same-gender attracted) at BYU. It wasn't a matter of not seeing eye to eye, they just hated who I was. For the first time in a while I felt genuinely ashamed of who I was, and there was absolutely no real reason for it, but that's how they treated me.

I have always been a very emotional person. I really tend to feel and react to the attitudes and behaviors of the people around me. Being in this situation where I was surrounded by hate really shows the effect that hate can have on a person. It was toxic to be in my own apartment. It became an environment where I couldn't be happy--not because I had done anything wrong, but because of the way they acted toward me. These girls were supposed to represent Christ and yet it was so hard for me to feel any sort of spirit or peace. It really tore me apart.

Long story short, I moved. Things worked out and I was able to go live with some of the same roommates I had over the summer. I've got a few new roommates even now, and I've told them I'm a lesbian and they are okay, because they see me for all of me. I'm doing much better now, and slowly recovering from those first three weeks. I've had such a range of responses from people I've come out to, but never before like this. I just hope that if any of you were to meet, let alone live with, people who are still so ignorant and choose to act in a way that (I think) is very un-Christ-like, you will remember that there are so many more people out there who will love you for everything you are.

My dad always says there are two kinds of people in this world: those you want to be like, and those you don't. You can learn from both, and in this case I have learned a lot. Life is too short to bother with trying to please everyone. I'm not going to try to hide who I am or change for anyone.

~Bridey J

Nearby Support?

Dearest anyone who is reading this,

My mom is awesome. She has since proved to me her awesomeness by being way more accepting than I ever thought she would since I came out. She's read most of the books she can find both on homosexuality by itself and within the church (including Brent's and Brad's). While I've been visiting home before school starts up again we've talked about it on several occasions. She's become way more aware of how other people treat the idea of homosexuality now, but also the double standard for people who don't think it's the best thing since sliced bread. (Everyone at work gives her grief and says she just hates gays because she's Mormon. She wants to yell "my daughter's lesbian for crying out loud", but she respects my privacy).

Anyway, she's asked me about support groups nearby that she could go to or join. I don't really know that much about them (except USGA), but I know there are people out there (you guys) who do. Preferably one that will treat our religion with respect as well, and might understand better where she's coming from. Her main concern is to learn all she can and be able to support me, not politics or bitterness towards the church. PLEASE leave your suggestions in the comments below for any support groups, or other resources (like books and stuff), that might help her out. (PS, we live in the middle of Oklahoma if that makes a difference).

Thank you muchly....

~Bridey J

Gender Rolls

I don't believe it matters what gender stereotypes you fit into. I don't think that determines who you are or your sexuality. Your personality is going to have a much stronger effect on what you like to do than the gender roles people try to put you in. I think gender is important, but not in the way that many people consider it. There's a big difference between gender and the roles the society assigns to them. Because of this belief, I don't think it's okay for some parents to decide that their baby is "gender neutral". I love being a girl! But I'm not going to change my personality to try to fit a mold because I'm a girl or because I'm a lesbian.

Growing up, my brothers and I have never really fit any mold. It was seriously something like this...

I had this baby doll once. It came with a little stroller and a crib and all sorts of stuff. My younger brother used to take that baby around with him everywhere. he would feed it and change it and push it in the stroller...the works. Now he's a giant baseball player. I like to wear pants (no dresses), have shorter hair, build stuff, watch things explode, play sports, go camping, and watch movies where some ass gets kicked. I know a lot of people would say that it's because I'm lesbian, but it's much deeper than just my sexuality. (Me and my brother are very different, but somehow we both still ended up liking girls). Both my parents have been the stay at home parent before, and both have had jobs to bring home the bacon. Both of them love to cook, camp, wear pants, clean the house, and take care of us kids. They're just who they are.

I took a friend to a USGA meeting once and we got on the subject of "looking back, how could you NOT know you were gay?" In the third grade I threw a fit when we had our section on medieval times. We were supposed to do a play and the only real role for a girl was a peasant or a princess. I argued until I got to be the only girl knight (I still have the sword)! On the way home she asked if we thought that if fitting in those stereotypes was what made us think we were gay. I was confused my her question, but I realized that she is the same as I am (in the list above) but is not a bit gay at all. What you like, how you act, and the way you dress are all parts of your personality, not your gender.

People have tried to put me in boxes my whole life. They categorize me as a woman, as a Mormon, or as a gay person. When it comes down to it though, we're all human beings, not boxes. Hobbies don't have genders. Being interested in shopping or wood working does not influence who you're attracted to. I love being a woman, and I love being attracted to women too.

But I often wonder

• Have you ever wanted to change yourself to better fit a stereotype or gender role?
• Why do the roles and stereotypes even exist?
• Do you think there's a statistically significant difference between the amount of straight girls that can change their car brakes and the amount of gay girls who can? If so, why?

But seriously folks...

Gender Rolls are SO Delicious! :D

~Bridey J

Some Spare Change

When I was in elementary school my brother was in a school play that was about the old west and how it was settled. There was a song in the play that was about how things change and grow. The most memorable line to me was "the only thing that doesn't change is change", saying that change is a constant and will never stop happening. Throughout my life, however, change has changed for me. A big change used to be moving from second grade to third grade, because we started using pens and writing in cursive. Farther on down the road there was the change of moving and learning to start over with new people. Now I've moved so many times it doesn't really matter what state I call home. School has continued to be school, no matter what I'm learning or what kind of writing implements I use. Until now things changed with me as I grew up, but I think I've reached a point where I see change a little differently.

When I think of change over time, the first thing I usually think of is music and video technology. My parents talk about how they were alive before color tv was around. You couldn't watch movies at home before the seventies, but now we can watch any movie with out having to move from our computer or couch. Not to mention that movies theaters are now taking advantage of ALL your senses in all eleven dimensions . We've gone from vinyl records to eight-tracks, cassette tapes, cds, and now music that doesn't even exist in a tangible form. Today I walked into a restaurant and instead of the standard fountain drink dispenser I saw this thing that I can only think of as futuristic. It was as small as a vending machine and it had a touch screen to choose your soda. The number of different sodas and flavor variety combinations must have been a three digit number, in this one small machine. As Dippin' Dots has been trying to tell us for many years, "The Future is Now".

I have to remind myself, on occasion, that it's not just technology that's changing but everything else too. When I was in sixth grade I should have been put in an algebra class, but the school board refused to let me. The same thing happened to each of my brothers and we tried to fight it. Just this week I have learned that the school board is finally allowing sixth graders to take algebra, giving them a possible way to finish high school math requirements before they even make it there. I was glad to know that it was finally put through because of my parents, and other parents and students, fighting for the past twelve years. At the same time I was a bit discouraged because none of the people I was fighting for (my brothers and I) will really benefit from this change, seeing as we're all older now.

Now I am making change happen through the things I'm involved in, like USGA at BYU. I called a friend of mine recently. He was the first Gay Mormon I ever knew, and he truly inspired me, whether he knows it or not. He was one of the first few who attended the Matis Firesides when they were still held in the living room of their home. I told him how things have changed for gay students here at BYU. Now we can be open about who we are, and we're allowed to meet together in our club, or community of friends, on campus. I can now openly stand for the rights of people like me, even when most church members don't understand why I don't think it's wrong. He was blown away by how much had changed in only four years. It made me a bit frustrated though, as I noticed that while these things are changing for the better very quickly, they're not going to change all at once. Things may not get better where I am right now, no matter how hard I try. What I'm doing in my family or community now may not really make a difference to someone until after I'm gone. Then I realize I'm benefiting right now from what others have done before me. They started groups like USGA that now give me a community of friends who understand and love me. Even though things are different now, they will always be another type of different later on down the road. I just hope I'm still around to see it.

~Bridey J

Closets

A few of my roommates and I were sitting downstairs in silence, when suddenly one ran in from upstairs and happily explained to us how she realized that my bed is directly over the downstairs closet. This was met with much laughter and friendly poking fun at Bridey for being a lesbian. Closet jokes are always a fun past time in my apartment. My friend Brandon always says that closets are scary because it's dark and there are skeletons in there.

I've never been quite sure where the phrase "in the closet" came from, so I did some investigating. It originally came from the phrase having "a skeleton in the closet" which is thought to have come from the fairy tale of Blue Beard, where he leaves for few days and his wife discovers a secret closet full of his dead past wives and he makes it a point to add her to it...(http://www.contemania.com/english/Anglais_Barbe_bleue.htm)

Now it means "A secret source of shame, potentially ruinous if exposed, which a person or family makes effort to conceal". From this less creepy source is where the connection with the meaning of a gay person "coming out" came from. They are not ashamed any more, is what I take it to mean. Well what ever it means I'll leave you all with this...

~Bridey J

No Going Back

This is a book review of "No Going Back," a book by Jonathan Langford that was mentioned a few weeks back in Justin's post about gay themed movies and books. I hadn't heard of this one so I thought I would give it a try. These opinions are strictly my own. I will try to keep it short so as to not lose you before it's even started. (Warnings: there may be spoilers, but it's still a really good read...also it has the word faggot a lot, but I just think of thishttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2M9TzdnSpLo)

This book is about a gay teenage Mormon growing up in western Oregon in 2003. First of all, I wish I had heard about this book sooner. Just it seems to me that now that I'm okay with myself I finally find all the things I was looking for before to help me be okay with myself.

The protagonist is a fifteen-year-old boy named Paul, and the plot revolves around the happenings as a result of his coming out. The book just starts right out with Paul coming out to his best friend Chad. It's not about him figuring out he's gay and going through that, but dealing with people's reactions and figuring out what he really wants. (For me, this has been the longer process of the two.) At first I was slightly disappointed, especially after Chad's reaction is basically calling Paul a faggot and storming out. But then the focus switches to Chad's thoughts and you see how he struggles with this new information and the fact that he still cares for his best friend and what that means for him.

The book is written in third person omniscient. Langford writes from the point of view of every major character (and some minor ones) and he does a really good job at approaching this issue from all sides. It's not just a book about a gay boy, but also the people in his life. I think that not only makes it easier for more people to relate to this book, because you'll at least fit in one of the character's shoes, but also you see how different people deal with the same issue. I think many times we forget that other people see the same things differently (or as my mom always says, there's two sides to every story).

Paul comes out to his best friend, his mom, and his bishop. I thought these were the most important and handled very well:

• I was a bit scared at how he would write the bishop's reaction, but it was what it should be. As long as Paul didn't do anything against the standards of the church he was completely worthy. I know that some bishops don't react like this because they think the act of identifying as gay is wrong, and this just pushes the person farther away from the church.
• His mom goes looking for information that's out there, but is only able to find politically charged support groups. She's not interested in politics or gay rights, only in finding a way to help her son and make his life as easy as possible, because she loves him.
• Chad has his ups and down in the book, finding what this means for him and what it means for his relationship with Paul and also dealing with other people's reactions, including his own parents (because they think he might catch "the gay"). In the end he sticks next to his friend and stands up for him, even when others start saying that he's gay too and call him the same horrible names. This is the kind of friend I want next to me, and what I try to be.

Not all the reactions were good, which is probably something every one has experienced also. Paul joins the GSA (gay-straight alliance) at his high school because he needs people who understand that part of him and make him feel like he belongs somewhere. Unfortunately, they don't like the fact that he's Mormon and tell him that he should just forget about the church. It's hard for them to understand why he can't give up something that they view as so hateful. This is a problem I can relate to. Many people don't understand why I can't just stop being gay, and on the other hand people have told me that I'm not being true to myself if I keep letting the church tell me what to do. I always find it interesting when people get mad if you don't accept them, but have no problem not accepting others for everything they are. This is why I am very grateful that here at BYU we have USGA where everyone understands the struggle of living these two equally important parts of you and finding that balance inside of you.

To add an even deeper level, Langford places it in a time when a gay marriage law is trying to pass and shows just how quickly people become political and forget the whole point is to love one another. I guess it's just the way that I think, but I was very surprised at how many of the characters were so quick to call faggot (his church youth group especially) and ostracize him, and associate his being gay to his being a bad person. I never came out very openly before college so I'm not sure if it's just teenagers can be cruel, or if I've just been very lucky to find people who aren't so stupid. It also made me appreciate my own parents' reaction a lot more.

I really enjoyed this book, but the ending got to me a little. The message I walked away with is that it would be better to just ignore this part of you and go on living in the church in silence. This may not be the message Jonathan Langford was attempting to send, who knows. I personally just think that I couldn't do that. For me I needed to accept my being lesbian as much as I needed my being Mormon. I needed to be able to love that part of me before I could accept any of me. Had I read this a few years back I'm not sure I would have been brave enough to really search for that love for myself. I would have been more scared and more in the closet. Maybe that's why I haven't found it before now. But the truth is, Langford's story is a reality for some people. Over all I recommend reading it for yourselves, and especially approaching it with a truly open mind.

~Bridey J

This and That

So, here's a short anecdote from my own life. This last week my roommate was complaining that no boys had come and asked her on a date (we were doing this thing in my ward where they were supposed to, so it made sense). It was supposed to be just a little fun date, nothing serious, so I told her "If you want, I'll take you on a date". She looked at me with this look that has grown so familiar to me and has come to say 'Bridey, I'm still not a lesbian', to which she added "I love you, but it just wouldn't be the same". I pulled my best sad/hurt face and said "I tell people that all the time, but no one believes me". I'm not quite sure why, but this was instantly hilarious to both of us and had us holding our sides in laughter. I love my roommates, and I love that we can have these moments.

Afterwards we talked about it a bit, how the situation would be the same, just with different people. Just as going on a date with a girl isn't really her can of olives (if you will), going out with a boy is not something I get excited about either. There have been other times in my life where I've been asked to explain to someone how I feel towards women, because they cannot understand, as the idea is foreign to them. I've heard people compare it to being born with a mental illness--in that I did not choose this for myself, etc. Recently I heard it compared to someone who is predisposed to become an alcoholic...they have these temptations and desires that they should just ignore, and may sometimes need help getting over. I believe that neither of these (and others I'm sure you've come across) are a good way to understand gay feelings at all. The only way that I can see it, and have used to explain it to my friends, is that it's exactly like the feelings they have for boys (or for girls if they are my straight guy friends). The only difference is who those feelings are for. If it's the same, think how hard it would be to be told that you have to be with, and marry, the gender that you're not attracted to. Most of my friends say that they don't think they could do it, or at least not be happy doing it. I've found it helps people be able to put themselves in shoes they never thought they could. Being willing to see things from someone else's point of view is the key to understanding and finding compassion, and that's for any situation, whether that be one's sexuality, religion, culture, politics, personality or just general way of reacting to life (this goes both ways). The point is loving people, even if we may never understand them.

~Bridey J

They're Everywhere!

Anyone who follows me on Facebook (you bunch of creepers) knows that a few weeks ago I had the very unfortunate experience of reading the opinion column in the Daily Universe (BYU newspaper). The columnists had decided to write in response to the New York gay marriage law going through. I'll post it here, not to get all riled up again (that may or may not be another post for another day), but for context for anyone that has no idea what I'm talking about:http://universe.byu.edu/index.php/2011/06/27/that-is-not-a-family/

It really upset me. For one, it just showed ignorance and narrow mindedness. Also because the next day they only posted letters to the editor that agreed with her, leaving me feeling that all those opposed were not given the chance to make it manifest. I just didn't like that so many are quick to try and put their opinions on others. I knew that in the past my reaction would have been very different. I would have been scared, seeing the the article as the opinion of all BYU students and equating it to saying I was a bad person. I'll admit this would have only been made easier due to my ridiculously low self esteem at the time and the already deeply held belief that if I were to admit the truth (being a lesbian) to anyone, they would get the torches and pitchforks and run me out of Provo. (thoughts may have been exaggerated to illustrate the depth of my fear and self hatred). Now I know better, about both myself and the people around me. However, I'm sure that there are others who are at the stage in their process that I once was, and I worried.

I got the idea in my head that if I went and talked with her in person that she might gain some understanding, even if it was only the slightest bit more than she had before. Well, it did not go down the way I had hoped at all. A few minutes into it I could already tell that she was not the least bit interested in understanding or listening to anything I had to say. Luckily, my roommate (who later wrote a kick ass response to the article) came with me and stopped it before it got worse.

Before this sounds like I'm just ranting, I'll bring in my actual point of this post. My whole life the idea of loving people and acting on that has come so easy to me. My experience with being lesbian and learning to accept and love myself for everything I am has opened my mind and heart even more, which I am so grateful for. Sometimes it's hard for me to really understand why people wouldn't want to try and understand or love one another. Then I remember that other people don't actually think the same way I do, or have not been through things in their lives that might force them to really take a look at something outside their own bubbles. This really brought me down for a while. It was this reminder that no matter how much I accept myself and others, there will always be people who won't.

That being said I would like to tell you that there will always be people who will accept you and love you for everything you are. A friend once told me that even if they don't understand, if they love you they will try. This past week or so events have brought to my attention, not just all the people who currently are in my life and making it wonderful, but also the people who have been or have yet to be but are willing to step up and help me through anything. I am very fortunate to have these people who love and support me. It has taken me a long time to find them, but I am constantly reminded that these kind of people are all around. Look for them, you might be surprised by people sometimes.

~Bridey J

Hope and Meaning

I don't claim to dispense great words of wisdom. Ever. I'm not even sure if anyone reads my posts and walks away better for it. I know I used to search the internet for anything that would let me know that there was hope. I would dig through pages of blogs to find people who were like me (gay, and very rarely Mormon too) that had ended up happy, and stronger. At the time it was all I could do from giving up. I've come a really long way since then...but then again that wasn't very long ago either.

I read something earlier this year while preparing a short talk. It was about a man named Viktor Frankl, who was a psychiatrist and concentration camp survivor. Many psychiatrists believe that human beings can not handle very much pain, which is why we develop psychological ways to compensate and survive. Viktor, however, saw that people could withstand and push through great amounts of pain if they could find meaning in their suffering. He saw it was the prisoners who came to believe that the bleakness around them was all there was ever going to be...those who lost hope...that were the ones who broke down, got sick and died much faster. He believed very strongly that "...even the helpless victim of a hopeless situation, facing a fate he can not change, may rise above himself, may grow beyond himself, and by so doing change himself...changing a personal tragedy into a triumph".

Much of the time the only thing that could keep me going was to think that there was some reason for this messed up life of mine. I always fantasized that maybe someday I could find and help somebody going through this same thing and keep them from feeling alone and hopeless like I did. I have yet to do this (directly anyway). Some days I still get discouraged, left feeling like I've helped no one, and it was all pointless. I've only recently been able to recognize what I havedone. I've had lots of roommates and friends who probably would have never had the issue of homosexuality come up in their lives if they had not met me. I think the fact that I have allowed people to help me through this has opened doors of understanding and compassion. In this way accepting their service has been service to them. This is the greatest meaning there can possibly be in life.

This is why I write to you...whoever you turn out to be. Don't give up Hope. You will find meaning.

~Bridey J

Support System

Much apologies for forgetting last Monday. To make up for it this one will be a bit of a long read. Also mostly because I've had words in my brain all week and want to get it out there.

So this past two weeks or so I've been having very real and frank conversations with lots of people. Most of these were with my roommates and close friends, but I'm slowly branching out to family. That may seem kinda backwards for some people, or so I've been told before. Many a councilor and church leader who I've discussed my sexuality and depression with have asked if I have a support group of sorts. Not like a group that meets every week called 'Lesbians Anonymous' or something, but people I talk to and that know the situation I'm in. When I would say yes, it was always followed with the apparently unsatisfactory answer of the names of my close friends. Every one of them, without fail, said that that wasn't good enough...I needed to tell my family. This always made me scared and angry and all sorts of other things. "Don't you understand? I can't tell my family". The idea was so scary to me. Family would always be there, which is why they make a much stronger support, but it's also why I didn't want them to know. If they reacted badly and didn't care to understand then that would be the relationship I would be stuck with for the rest of my life. I interacted with my friends on a more regular basis, especially since coming to college and having them as roommates and such. In my mind it seemed like the people who I was around more would be the better choice to tell.

It's taken me years to understand this was not the right idea. I would even go so far as to say it didn't really click until this last weekend. I understand now that since high school I've been trying to find someone that could be my support. Someone who would be there to lean on no matter what, and knew everything I was going through...and would be a constant in my life. I could never understand why I couldn't find someone who could be that for me. I really tried. I stretched myself to the breaking point, and others as well, trying to make them into something they couldn't be. I wanted consistency and unconditional love that wasn't their job to provide. I needed my family.

Slowly I told them, starting with my brothers. I got more understanding than I ever thought I would get from them (on this particular issue). I felt so much closer to them over this one thing, because I had shut myself off from them before. We don't really talk about my being gay, but I don't feel like I have to hide myself from them anymore. They can be a part of ALL of my life now. My parents are a little different story. They've really known since about my freshman year in college, but I never actually said anything and came out until this last Christmas. We never talk about it. It feels like this topic is no longer on the table. It feels almost just as bad as not telling them was. I feel cut off, and hidden. It makes me feel like it's still a part of me that I'm supposed to be ashamed of. And I know that I shouldn't expect instant understanding. I didn't even have that for myself when I came out to myself. It's taken me seven years to get to where I am today, being truly okay with myself and loving me for it.

This weekend I had a small wake up call from a good friend of mine. She reminded me that while friends are great to have, and coming out to random strangers is fun and a bit relieving, it's really the important people in my life who I should be talking to. I'm not saying that friends can't be good support or important people (but probably not the strangers at Walmart). I really don't know how I could have gotten through a lot of life without my friends. I'm just saying that I realized that I need my family. I need them to be my support. I need them to know, even if they don't quite understand. These people are the most important people in my life and I want them to know who I am and what I go through. Being lesbian is a reality of my life that is always going to be there, as will my religion (Mormon), experiences, and my family. I will always have these parts of me because they shape who I am.

I am generally a big believer of talking about things. I would always rather talk with you and be offended than continue to live in silence. Having kept this part of me a secret for so long I can tell you that in takes a huge amount of energy and strength not to talk about it. It weighs you down everyday that it goes unsaid. I know I've waited a long time for other people to want to talk about it, but I think I need to step up and be the one that starts it. Don't take them for granted. Let the important people in. They may need it as much as you do.

~Bridey J

Never Give Up, Never Surrender!

Forgive my lack of originality today, but this has been stuck in my head all week...I promise I explain why at the bottom.

by Dee Groberg

The Race

"Quit, give up, you're beaten!"
They shout at me and plead.
"There's just too much against you now.
This time you can't succeed."

And as I start to hang my head
In front of failure's face,
My downward fall is broken by
The memory of a race.

And hope refills my weakened will
As I recall that scene,
For just the thought of that short race
Rejuvenates my being.

A child's race, young boys, young men
How I remember well,
Excitement sure! But also fear.
It wasn't hard to tell.

They all lined up so full of hope
Each thought to win the race,
Or tie for 1st or if not that
At least take 2nd place.

And fathers watched from off the sides
Each cheering for his son,
And each boy hoped to show his Dad
That he would be the one.

The whistle blew and off they went
Young hearts and hopes afire
To win to be the hero there
Was each young boys desire.

And one boy in particular
Whose Dad was in the crowd
Was running near the lead and thought,
"My Dad will be so proud!"

But as he speeded down the field
Across a shallow dip,
The little boy who thought to win
Lost his step and slipped.

Trying hard to catch himself
His hands flew out to brace
And mid the laughter of the crowd
He fell flat on his face.

So down he fell and with him hope
He couldn't win it now...
Embarrassed, sad he only wished
To disappear somehow.

But as he fell his Dad stood up
And showed his anxious face
Which to the boy so clearly said:
"Get up and win the race!"

He quickly rose, no damage done,
Behind a bit, that's all
And ran with all his mind and might
To make up for his fall.

So anxious to restore himself
To catch up and to win.
His mind went faster than his legs
He slipped and fell again.

He wished that he had quit before
With only one disgrace,
"I'm hopeless as a runner now.
I shouldn't try to race."

But in the laughing crowd he searched
And found his Father's face,
That steady look that said again,
"Get up and win the race!"

So up he jumped to try again
Ten yards behind the last,
"If I'm going to gain those yards," he thought
"I've got to move real fast!"

Exerting everything he had
He regained eight or ten,
But trying so hard to catch the lead
He slipped and fell again!

Defeat! He lay there silently
A tear dropped from his eye.
"There's no sense running anymore
Three strikes; I'm out; why try!"

The will to rise had disappeared
All hope had fled away;
So far behind, so error-prone:
A loser all the way.

"I've lost so what's the use?" He thought
"I'll live with my disgrace."
But then he thought about his Dad
Who soon he'd have to face.

"Get up" an echo sounded low
"Get up and take your place,
You were not meant for failure here,
Get up and win the race!"

"With borrowed will, Get up" It said,
"You haven't lost at all,
For winning is no more than this
To rise each time you fall."

So up he rose to run once more
And with a new commit,
He resolved that win or lose
At least he wouldn't quit.

So far behind the others now
The most he'd ever been,
Still he gave it all he had
And ran as though to win.

Three times he'd fallen stumbling
Three times he rose again,
Too far behind to hope to win
He still ran to the end.

They cheered the winning runner
As he crossed the line 1st place,
Head high, and proud and happy
No falling, no disgrace.

But when the fallen youngster
Crossed the line last place,
The crowd gave him the greater cheer
For finishing the race.

And even though he came in last
With head bowed low, unproud,
You would have thought he'd won the race
To listen to the crowd.

And to his Dad he sadly said,
"I didn't do so well,"
"To me you won!" his Father said
"You rose each time you fell."

And now when things seem dark and hard
And difficult to face,
The memory of that little boy
Helps me in my race.

For all of life is like that race
With ups and downs and all,
And all you have to do to win
Is rise each time you fall.

"Quit, Give up, You're beaten."
They still shout in my face,
But another voice within me says,
"Get up and win the race."

I know it's really easy to pick out all the religious symbolism in this, but I hardly ever read it that way. I look at it from a general life perspective. Life is gonna be really hard sometimes. What may not seem a big deal to some may be a mountain to others. Sometimes you're going to fall, have horrible days, weeks, months or years...i don't know. But I really do believe that you need to keep trying. If someone can't get up, help them. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask. I know I've had some days where the only thing I felt I could do was just stay in bed and try again the next morning. This week has also not treated my very kindly. And it gives you that feeling like when you're well and you think you're never sick, but as soon as you're sick the only thing you think is "I have always been sick and will never be well again!" But I really think you only truly fail at life when you stop trying all together. Never give up.

~Bridey J

Friends Can Make the Difference

The last few weeks I've been talking a lot to my roommates. They're amazing girls. I think the thing I like most about them is how they make me feel when I'm around them.

With roommates in the past, the fact that I'm a lesbian was something that everyone skirted around very lightly. I have had a few who would talk about it very openly with me, and most of them remain my friends today. With the majority of them, however, it either became an issue in some way or something we just swept under the rug never to speak of again. Like the big giant glitter-covered rainbow-colored hippo in the bathtub that nobody wants to mention. Sometimes I was grateful for the silence, because it meant they had no plans to grab their torch and pitchforks anytime soon. But mostly I hated it. I hated never talking about it, and more so feeling like I wasn't allowed to. Feeling like everything I did was screaming at them "I like girls!" and so I needed to stop it. They knew the truth, but it felt more like they were trying to pretend it wasn't so. Wishing and hoping that it would go away soon...like I once did. I thought that was getting the good end of the "coming out" process. The fact that no one immediately said "you know you're going to hell, right?" was a huge step for me.

Then I met these girls. If it comes up it's never a big deal. We talk and joke and everything else like it's just another normal part of life. Because it is! I've noticed that it almost feels like it's not this huge thing on everyone's mind anymore. At first I thought it was like before, when people wouldn't really take it seriously. Treating it like it was some other thing that would just go away if left alone. Then I realized it's the opposite. This is a part of life, but no more than the fact that my roommate likes boys. A little different, but nothing to be scared of. It feels amazing to feel good about this part of me, that I don't think I fully accepted because I still felt I had to hide it. Now I don't. I've told other people and have found that it's not really a big deal. Not to make it sound like I'm belittling this part of myself, but the opposite. It's just another part of who I am and people are okay with who I am. And if they're not, I still have people who are and love it.

Don't give up ever. There are people who will love you for every part of you, and they are worth waiting for and finding. Life feels so good when you know you're being your true self and being loved for it.

~Bridey J

Tornadoes and Ostriches

So for everyone who doesn't know yet, last night (may 22, 2011) a tornado touched down in Joplin, MO. They are calling it the nation's deadliest tornado since 1953. The death toll is 116 and might be rising. The closest thing I can relate to was a tornado that touched down in Oklahoma on may 3, 1999. It tore through everything just north of where I'm from. But that wasn't really anywhere as deadly, just lots of damage. We moved there just a month or so afterwards, and I remember seeing the aftermath and thinking "why on earth would dad make us move here?!" My family has never had to deal with that kind of loss, but we've come close sometimes.

Talking with my dad this morning, he told me how much he wanted to go and help, but it's 200 miles away. He can't imagine going through that himself, but we know many who have. He equated it to the idea of the lottery. Only in the sense that we all know someone has to win, but the real chances of it being you are slim to none. The winner's chances were still nothing, just like everybody else, until the very moment they won. Twelve years of living in Oklahoma has let me experience more incredible storms and tornado sirens than I could possibly count. I've had tornadoes within a mile of my house, and yet every time I always think "that's never really going to happen to me".

There is this mentality I have found many people have, including some of my past (and possibly present) roommates. The idea that yes, people who deal with same gender attraction exist, but I'm never going to know any of them. This is a popular theory, from what I gather, here at BYU. It's not so much a hatred as just an ignorance. Everyone thinks that they're never going to have to deal with it, and probably never know someone who is either, so they don't learn about it. It's other people who go through those things, right? A few months ago I had the opportunity to talk to a psychology class about my life dealing with being lesbian and Mormon and what I had to go through. Afterwards I noticed there was someone I knew from my freshman year sitting in the back. I'm sure she would have never thought that she knew someone who was gay. In fact she told me as much afterwards (did I blow her mind?...probably). I'm also very sure that my parents never thought they would have to deal with this in their lives, let alone their own child.

Chances are you're going to know someone who deals with same gender attraction...and you probably already do. It's not like the lottery at all. It's a serious issue that you or people you love are going to have to deal with. Don't be ignorant and don't bury your head in the sand. We are people, not ostriches!

~Bridey J

Some Unintentional Advice

My dad came to visit this week. It reminded me of where I get my personality from. We're like two weird peas in a pod...except that he's a large man pea and I'm a small girl pea. We spent most of yesterday and today together and we talked about all kinds of things. I don't really talk about my personal life with my dad. It only became easier to not share when I moved halfway across the country to attend school. But on the off-chance that we do talk on a personal level, I've never regretted it.

I've had problems with not liking myself since I was a kid, when I realized the other kids thought I was weird. When you're ten being weird is not a good thing. It only escalated in high school when I realized I liked girls. Of course there were a lot more things before that and in between and up till now that added to this feeling, but for more than half of my life I've wished I was someone else...anyone except me.

While I was with my dad today I told him about some of the things that I've been through. Things he didn't really know about before. I asked him if I was crazy, or weird. Without missing a beat he replied "oh yes, of course...but there's nothing wrong with that". Paraphrasing the next hour or so, he told me that we hardly ever choose the things we go through. And afterwards, given the chance, we would never choose to go through them again. The things is, everything we go through and have to deal with makes us who we are. We learn and use what we learn to help others, or maybe ourselves later on.

Everything I've gone through has shaped me into who I am. To tell the truth, despite my best efforts, I haven't changed much. I'm still weird, but I'm beginning to love that about me. I'm happy when I'm me. I've started to love myself...ALL of myself...and even if I had to go through all of this, being me isn't that bad. No matter what you have to go through...love yourself. You are worth it.

~Bridey J

Being You

This weekend I took a trip with some friends down to St. George, UT. At one point in the trip we went swimming and one of my guy friends decided to wear a speedo instead of his trunks. We playfully made fun of him and laughed, and tried to talk him in to showing off his new found confidence to some nearby girls. By the end of the night I saw a new side to my friends (and I don't just mean the part of his legs that are usually covered by pants). Even in a situation that could have been weird he was very comfortable with himself. He took our teasing with good humor and even made fun of himself a bit. It has always been fun to be around him because he is very comfortable with himself and makes it easy to be yourself too. At the end of the night as we were leaving he said that someone has mentioned to him before that if he continues being weird and silly he's not gonna get a girlfriend (paraphrased). But then he said "You know what, if she doesn't like all my silliness then she's not the right girl for me."

He's right. It's a philosophy that I've tried to establish in my own life, time and time again, of just being myself and not caring what others thought. It starts with loving who you are (something I confess I'm still working on). Then finding people who also love who you are, and would never ask you to be something different. Those are the people who will be worth keeping in your life. And being able to be yourself is worth waiting to find those people.

~Bridey J