True Obedience

Found this quote. I think it sums up my feelings.

"We have heard men who hold the priesthood remark that they would do anything they were told to do by those who preside over them -- even if they knew it was wrong. But such obedience as this is worse than folly to us. It is slavery in the extreme. The man who would thus willingly degrade himself should not claim a rank among intelligent beings until he turns from his folly. A man of God would despise this idea. Others, in the extreme exercise of their almighty authority have taught that such obedience was necessary, and that no matter what the Saints were told to do by their presidents, they should do it without any questions. When Elders of Israel will so far indulge in these extreme notions of obedience as to teach them to the people, it is generally because they have it in their hearts to do wrong themselves."

-- Joseph Smith, Jr.

(citation->The Millennial Star, volume 14, number 38, pages 593-595)

Canon Fire

I was having an interesting conversation with a friend of mine on Thursday. The LDS church believes in something called an open canon, meaning that through revelation and such things can be added to the bible. This is the reason the Book of Mormon and other scripture are not considered blasphemous. This idea also includes the believe of continuous revelation from God, as quoted by the ninth Article of Faith (LDS scripture)...

We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.

I think many forget that this means that things can change. So often do I hear people talking as if the LDS church has a monopoly on the truth. What's worse than the idea that we have the only truth out there, is the idea that we already have all there ever will be. "But Bridey," you might say, "didn't you just say that Mormons believe there is still more new revelation to come?" Why yes I did, you astute reader you. The thing is that most member's understanding of this extends to "in general conference the prophet said we need to read our scriptures more", or "well we already have the Doctrine and Covenants, and that's modern-day revelation".

On October 6th, 1890, Wilford Woodruff officially stopped the practice of polygamy, which had been considered a sacred but common practice before that. 50 years ago if you said you thought one day a black kid would be able to pass you the sacrament you would have been considered an apostate. Yet on June 8th, 1978, Spencer Kimball declared that all worthy males could hold the priesthood, where before blacks had been called "fence-sitters" in the war in heaven and all sorts of things by the general authorities themselves. Within the last decade or two it was discouraged to interracially marry, but now no one believes that any more. So if we believe that these changes were true revelation then we in turn must believe that there may be more to come. If there is more to come then we do not have it all now. We say we believe it, but why are we not so ready and willing to admit there are things we don't know yet.

I've heard many friends tell me that if the church changes it's views about homosexuals and gay marriage that they just don't think they could be part of the church anymore. That's awfully hypocritical of them to demand that I follow the words of the prophet without wavering (even if I don't agree with them completely), but the moment words from that same man would ask them to question their own faith they would be allowed to leave.

What people don't understand is that if they say they believe in an open canon then they are saying things could change more in the future. If you believe in revelation to come then for all we know one day gays might marry in the temple, or women could hold the priesthood. Now before anyone jumps down my throat, let me say that I am not saying these things will happen. I'm saying that things that we might now see as impossible or blasphemous may one day be doctrine. The point is that we don't know, but we need to realize that whether or not we believe it will happen, doesn't change the fact that we believe it could happen.

People need to start knowing what they actually believe.

~Bridey J.

Missing the Mark

Some times I really wonder if people in the LDS Church know the doctrine they claim to preach and live. I'm not saying they are fakes, but I feel they look beyond the mark way too often. I've sat through way too many church meetings where Christ wasn't even mentioned once. Stake conference this weekend was about nothing but dating and marriage. I was always taught that the point of church was to take the sacrament and to learn about Jesus. Well...they still pass the sacrament, but I don't find much else sometimes.

I wears me down that the place I'm supposed to go to worship isn't lifting me up. I'm not trying to bash the church in any way. I've just seen it too many times where the focus is in all the wrong places. We spend so much time trying to emphasize the little things that make the LDS church different that we forget the real Christian message. In Sunday-school people try to sound so deep so as come off as so spiritual...but we lose sight of the simplicity of the gospel.

Christ was an example. We need to learn of Him to be like Him. He taught of love...the truly unconditional kind. The point of church is to come closer to Christ, and the point of every class or quorum is to serve and become like Christ.

How long until we stop looking beyond the mark?

~Bridey J.

This I Believe - Guest Post

This is something my friend Nick wrote:

I remember the diagnosis. I kept a brave face for the doctors and for my parents. But once I got into the car my world came crashing down. I was stretched so thin already. I had been fighting a silent inner battle for months, a battle that it seemed God had been completely absent for.

Though I had never chosen it, I was gay, and despite my best efforts it wasn’t changing. God wasn't removing it from me. It seemed that countless tearful prayers, scripture study, a wholehearted mission, and a determination of steel weren’t enough for him. My God, who had been ever-present throughout my youth and my missionary service had suddenly gone silent. And of all times it was when I needed him most! Now, when I was trying to undo the most horrible part of myself, that part that made me an abomination in his eyes, he had chosen not to help.

I couldn’t understand what I wasn’t doing, what wasn’t enough. Couldn’t he sense how deeply I wanted to do his will? How desperately I wanted to be worthy of his love? I ached to feel something from him, to get any word or prompting over this issue, but every prayer had been met with absolute silence.

And now I had cancer. At 21 years old, I was a cancer victim. I felt as if the tumor inside me was a physical marking of how much God detested me. I had been betrayed by the one person I had tried to give everything to.

At this point my faith completely shattered. I was deeply hurt and incredibly angry. I vowed that once I left BYU I would never step foot in an LDS chapel again. I was done. I had done all I could to show my devotion to God, and he was clearly showing me how he felt about me.

After the tumor was removed I was declared cancer free, but the scars inside me still ached. As I began to accept and explore my new gay identity I felt both liberation and pain. Finally, I was free to be what I felt I truly was, but something still wasn’t right. After two months I realized what was wrong. Despite the betrayal I felt, I still wanted God in my life. I still needed him. But I was gay, and it was clear that wasn’t going to change. How could I be gay and still have a relationship with God?

I began to pray again. I prayed to know what God would have me do, but the only thing I ever got in response was “Nicholas, I love you.” I prayed to be led where God wanted me to be, because I didn’t even know what I wanted. But if he wanted me somewhere, it must be good enough. So I prayed and trusted his guidance.

I began to search for answers. It became clear very quickly that the church’s only stance was “keep the law of chastity.” That was good counsel, but what was my life supposed to be for the next 60 years? What was I supposed to do?

I searched the scriptures. I found that the only reference to homosexuality was six verses in the bible. I read those verses, and I read as many different interpretations of those verses as I could find. In the end, there was no clear answer. Eventually, every time I went back to the scriptures the words of Joseph Smith came to my mind: “…the teachers of religion of the different sects understood the same passages of scripture so differently as to destroy all confidence in settling the question by an appeal to the Bible.” There was no answer here. What I was left with, then, was the same option Joseph had: “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”

I’ll admit, at first as I sought God’s will on this issue I didn’t really want to know the answer. If the answer was that I should abandon any dreams of a fulfilling relationship with a guy then I had to give up a very intimate part of my soul. But if the answer was that God was okay with my orientation and that he was okay with me being in a same-sex relationship, then I was losing my place in the church I loved with all my heart. Once again, I could only pray to be led where God wanted me to be.

It took time for me to trust him enough to truly ask. And the answers came gradually. First came the revelation that regardless of what others thought, even leaders of the church, they did not know me or my heart. Only God knew my heart, and I was to listen to him and him alone. Next came the understanding that my orientation was not a mistake, not a flaw or a disease. Rather, God opened to my understanding the beauty and the godliness in my desires for love and companionship. He showed me the glory in the love I yearned to feel with all my heart. And gradually I began to see his fingerprints on this part of myself.

Along with this came the understanding that to enter into a relationship with a young woman, when I could never truly care for her as she needed, would be deceptive and wrong. It would be a sin against her, and against me.

As I have accepted this part of myself and learned to see the beauty in it I have gained a peace and a wholeness I didn’t think possible. My orientation is a part of me, a part of my very soul, and as I have accepted it I have been able to approach God in prayer with a sincerity I have never felt before. When I pray, God not only listens, he sits with me, he communes with me, he speaks with me. I have felt the deep purpose of who I am, and I marvel at the magnificence of his grand design. I have found a joy that is so great that at times I cannot contain the smile that comes to my lips.

By accepting my orientation I have not lost my spirituality. Through acceptance and celebration of my sexuality I have come to know God. He is as familiar as a friend to me. I would never wish away my sexuality, for it has brought me to the throne of God as a whole and complete spiritual being.

I do not know where the road of my life will take me. I am not naïve enough to make such sweeping declarations. I do not believe that I will pass this life companionless. But I know that as long as I am close and listening, God will lead me where I need to be. Sometimes, when I doubt the peace I feel over being gay, the words of Isaiah come to me. After telling us that we shall be led by the Savior through our afflictions, there is this promise: “And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it.” Everything in my soul tells me this is the way, and though it is new territory, I know I do not walk alone. And that’s enough for me.

Let the Consequence Follow

I attended the Utah County PFLAG meeting a few nights ago and I talked a bit about what we were doing at the Y. People asked the same two questions as always..."the administration allows it?" and "do people get in trouble for going?". If I'm being honest with the world, which I feel I need to be on here, I've always wanted to answer those questions with "Does it matter?". I know a lot of people look at us and say we're changing things, and that we're leaders in this big political/religious movement, but it's never been about that for me. The reason USGA is there is for the people that come. I've said it before and I'll say it again...this school needs USGA. I've heard countless stories about how much of a difference it has made for people, just to be able to come and be completely and honestly themselves for two hours a week, and not do it alone. I really have no political agenda, or religious agenda, or even a gay agenda for that matter. I come every week and I continue to make a place for the people. I don't care who disagrees with me, even if that is the very administration of the institution I go to, or the leaders of the church I belong to.

In church I learned the hymn Do What is Right. My favorite verse is #3, but the thing I want to pull here is the chorus. It says "Do what is right, let the consequence follow...God will protect you; then do what is right". I feel like not a lot of people really live up to this, even though we talk about it all the time. "So-and-so was not afraid to bear her testimony"..."what's-his-name refused to work on Sundays"...blah blah blah. What about standing up for your fellow human being and not caring what others think? What about loving your neighbor UNCONDITIONALLY! That means love that is not limited or restricted, does not impose or depend on anything else, or is not determined or influenced by someone or something else. It is complete and absolute. It is the love Christ has for each of us. Anything less than that is not true unconditional love.

I don't care if what I am doing with USGA gets me in trouble with the BYU administration. I don't really care what happens to me. USGA is not about me. It's about everyone who comes. It's about building a safe place to feel Christ's love. It's about paying that love forward to your brothers and sisters no matter what they are going through. It's about coming and hearing these people essentially bearing their testimonies of the true love they have felt from Heavenly Father, knowing that He loves them as a gay person, and that He approves of the path they have chosen. I feel the spirit more often in USGA than I do in church anymore.

I have heard lots of people, from my fellow students all the way up to people in the administration itself, say that they think it's great what I'm trying to do here, yet that's as far as it goes. They refuse to talk about it, or step forward and support it. You have no idea how many times I've heard from people that "their hands are tied". It just hurts to see these people who claim to be Christians and act with the love of Christ sit there and not have enough faith to do what they feel is right and stand up for what they say they believe. I know that this is where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing. I will do what I know to be true and will let the consequences follow. I know that I have God on my side and that He loves me, so what else should I fear.

~Bridey J.

I Live For Thursdays

So I'm not sure if anyone could tell by my writing or not, but I only live Friday though Wednesday just so I can get to Thursdays. This is not to say that the rest of the week is just not worth living, but USGA is where I feel alive. I love walking in and seeing the room filled to the edge people. I know I don't interact much (the burden of an introvert), and most people just see me as the person in charge, but I feel like it's my family. This is what I was looking for since I came to BYU, and now I'm the reason it's still around. It's where I feel happy, and at peace. It's where I get my extra boost for the week. I often think it's the way I was taught I should feel when I go to church, but I don't think people would like it if I said "I know the homos are true". I have watched it grow since almost the beginning, and there are so many new faces and so many people supporting us that can't make it on Thursdays. It's amazing all the lives I know we touch.

I hear other say they feel this way too. I know that some people plan their whole class and work schedules around Thursday nights. I've often wanted to ask everyone to write a little something about what USGA means to them and then make it a book. Maybe that can be our next class project. ;)

~Bridey J