I remember the diagnosis. I kept a brave face for the doctors and for my parents. But once I got into the car my world came crashing down. I was stretched so thin already. I had been fighting a silent inner battle for months, a battle that it seemed God had been completely absent for.
Though I had never chosen it, I was gay, and despite my best efforts it wasn’t changing. God wasn't removing it from me. It seemed that countless tearful prayers, scripture study, a wholehearted mission, and a determination of steel weren’t enough for him. My God, who had been ever-present throughout my youth and my missionary service had suddenly gone silent. And of all times it was when I needed him most! Now, when I was trying to undo the most horrible part of myself, that part that made me an abomination in his eyes, he had chosen not to help.
I couldn’t understand what I wasn’t doing, what wasn’t enough. Couldn’t he sense how deeply I wanted to do his will? How desperately I wanted to be worthy of his love? I ached to feel something from him, to get any word or prompting over this issue, but every prayer had been met with absolute silence.
And now I had cancer. At 21 years old, I was a cancer victim. I felt as if the tumor inside me was a physical marking of how much God detested me. I had been betrayed by the one person I had tried to give everything to.
At this point my faith completely shattered. I was deeply hurt and incredibly angry. I vowed that once I left BYU I would never step foot in an LDS chapel again. I was done. I had done all I could to show my devotion to God, and he was clearly showing me how he felt about me.
After the tumor was removed I was declared cancer free, but the scars inside me still ached. As I began to accept and explore my new gay identity I felt both liberation and pain. Finally, I was free to be what I felt I truly was, but something still wasn’t right. After two months I realized what was wrong. Despite the betrayal I felt, I still wanted God in my life. I still needed him. But I was gay, and it was clear that wasn’t going to change. How could I be gay and still have a relationship with God?
I began to pray again. I prayed to know what God would have me do, but the only thing I ever got in response was “Nicholas, I love you.” I prayed to be led where God wanted me to be, because I didn’t even know what I wanted. But if he wanted me somewhere, it must be good enough. So I prayed and trusted his guidance.
I began to search for answers. It became clear very quickly that the church’s only stance was “keep the law of chastity.” That was good counsel, but what was my life supposed to be for the next 60 years? What was I supposed to do?
I searched the scriptures. I found that the only reference to homosexuality was six verses in the bible. I read those verses, and I read as many different interpretations of those verses as I could find. In the end, there was no clear answer. Eventually, every time I went back to the scriptures the words of Joseph Smith came to my mind: “…the teachers of religion of the different sects understood the same passages of scripture so differently as to destroy all confidence in settling the question by an appeal to the Bible.” There was no answer here. What I was left with, then, was the same option Joseph had: “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”
I’ll admit, at first as I sought God’s will on this issue I didn’t really want to know the answer. If the answer was that I should abandon any dreams of a fulfilling relationship with a guy then I had to give up a very intimate part of my soul. But if the answer was that God was okay with my orientation and that he was okay with me being in a same-sex relationship, then I was losing my place in the church I loved with all my heart. Once again, I could only pray to be led where God wanted me to be.
It took time for me to trust him enough to truly ask. And the answers came gradually. First came the revelation that regardless of what others thought, even leaders of the church, they did not know me or my heart. Only God knew my heart, and I was to listen to him and him alone. Next came the understanding that my orientation was not a mistake, not a flaw or a disease. Rather, God opened to my understanding the beauty and the godliness in my desires for love and companionship. He showed me the glory in the love I yearned to feel with all my heart. And gradually I began to see his fingerprints on this part of myself.
Along with this came the understanding that to enter into a relationship with a young woman, when I could never truly care for her as she needed, would be deceptive and wrong. It would be a sin against her, and against me.
As I have accepted this part of myself and learned to see the beauty in it I have gained a peace and a wholeness I didn’t think possible. My orientation is a part of me, a part of my very soul, and as I have accepted it I have been able to approach God in prayer with a sincerity I have never felt before. When I pray, God not only listens, he sits with me, he communes with me, he speaks with me. I have felt the deep purpose of who I am, and I marvel at the magnificence of his grand design. I have found a joy that is so great that at times I cannot contain the smile that comes to my lips.
By accepting my orientation I have not lost my spirituality. Through acceptance and celebration of my sexuality I have come to know God. He is as familiar as a friend to me. I would never wish away my sexuality, for it has brought me to the throne of God as a whole and complete spiritual being.
I do not know where the road of my life will take me. I am not naïve enough to make such sweeping declarations. I do not believe that I will pass this life companionless. But I know that as long as I am close and listening, God will lead me where I need to be. Sometimes, when I doubt the peace I feel over being gay, the words of Isaiah come to me. After telling us that we shall be led by the Savior through our afflictions, there is this promise: “And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it.” Everything in my soul tells me this is the way, and though it is new territory, I know I do not walk alone. And that’s enough for me.
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