Authenticity

I few weeks ago in USGA we had some people come and talk to us about their experience being in a mixed orientation marriage (one spouse is straight and the other is gay/lesbian). I know a lot of people in the gay community don't like this at all. They hate that members of the church expect gay people to enter into a mixed orientation marriage. That's not church policy, but it's what it feels like sometimes.

I have a friend who speaks to BYU classes with me. His name is Mark. He's a gay man whose experience was very different than what a lot of gay people go through. He never doubted God's love, or where he fit in the church. That is extremely atypical, and he is an extremely atypical person. He ended up marrying a woman and it seems perfectly right for him. He understands that this is not the path for everyone. He tries to remind people (especially the classes we speak to) that he is the exception, not the rule. He also emphasizes that he's still gay. Getting married did not "cure" him. In all the time I have known him and his wife I have never doubted that those two are meant for each other. I have also never thought that he was lying about his homosexuality. I really feel that he is being true and honest with himself, being an openly gay man happily married to this woman.

Recently in my life I have been made aware of an extreme anti-gay group here in Utah. Their platform centers around the idea that their son was "cured" of his homosexuality and that every other homosexual can be too. I don't want to dive into that much because that would distract from my point. When faced with the idea of a gay man or woman being fixed, most people would say "you can't fix was isn't broken". While I may not understand all of the "why's?" that come with it, I will never think that anyone is less of a human being because they are not a perfect Kinsey 0. Similarly, if this boy was struggling with any homosexual feelings he might have had and was able to find peace through somehow making them stop, then I am happy for him. But just like in my friend Mark's situation, he is an exception, NOT a rule. I truly hope with all my heart that no matter what this man went through, and is going through even now, he remains honest with himself.

I am striving daily to be honest with myself. The first step was admitting to myself nine years ago that I had feelings for girls, and not boys. Now it's admitting that as much as I seem to be okay with who I am, some part of me is still not (but I'm slowly getting there). I honestly don't know what my future holds (and I'm only 23 so I don't need to have the next 70 years planned out just yet), but chances are good that it will not be a mixed-orientation marriage. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that when I think about my future I think about sharing it with a woman, because that's what I want. I would also be lying if I told you that wanting that doesn't scare me a little sometimes. I just pray that what ever happens in my life I am able to remain me.

~Bridey J.

Spreading the Love

I found this today on the Youtube. It gives me some hope, that the things I'm doing do not go unnoticed and the things I'm saying do not fall on (metaphorically) deaf ears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=I7WpPyJXI_k

Family

I'm taking a short break from studying so this will be a relatively short post. My good friend Nick recently came out to the whole school in an article in a student-run newspaper. While most of the school has actually been very accepting of his coming out, and the testimony he has of what he believes God wants his path to be, his family has not been so accepting. This post is not to talk about Nick's family, although I do pray with all my heart that they will find some sort of understanding towards and love for this amazing young man that I have been blessed enough to have in my life. This post is to my family, both the ones I picked and the ones I did not.

My Parents:

Since before I can remember my parents have been instilling in me the knowledge that they love me. They have supported me in everything I have ever done, and never missed an opportunity to tell me how special I am. Furthermore they have taught me, and my brothers, to have this same love and compassion for others.

When I came out to them there was no hugging or instant acceptance of this part of me. I didn't mind, because it took me years to accept myself. Unlike me, however, they never rejected it or denied it. Their biggest concern was that as parents they wouldn't be able to protect me from the hard things that being gay would bring to my life. They saw first hand the depression and the self hatred that this brought me to. They have become my biggest supporters, not just in LGBT issues, but my life in general. I love them so much.

My Brothers:

I have NEVER felt more like myself then when I'm with my brothers. They know me better than anyone else. I don't think there has been anyone that I've fought with as much either, but the good times out weigh the bad by tons. I have always felt like they fuel a desire in myself to be better and do more. At the same time I never felt any pressure from them to be anything but myself.

When I came out my brothers they surprised me by how much of a non-issue it was between us. As far as I know there was never a moment where they thought of me any differently. My younger brother even wrote a letter apologizing for not being emotionally available enough while we were in high school for me to be honest with him then.

I know what ever happens I will always have my family. They are and always will be my strongest, most constant support. I know many don't have familial support like this, especially after coming out. I hope that USGA can be a type of family for them, but I know that it might not be the same. I recognize how amazing it is that not just my immediate family, but also my extended family, have embraced this part of who I am. I hope I will never forget to thank God for my family.

~Bridey J.

Moments of Impact

I'm so sorry for such a long time between posts.  School has got me finding probability density functions and regression equations from the moment I get up to when I finally crash somewhere in the wee hours of the morning.  Things are slowing down a bit so I'll start writing more regularly again.

I recently went and saw the movie The Vow staring Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams. It's about a married couple that are deeply in love. They get in a car wreck and she flies through the windshield and she looses her memory up to before the time that she met him. She wakes up and has no idea who he is (I promise that this is nothing you couldn't figure out from watching the trailer, so I haven't spoiled anything).  The thing I found interesting was not only could she not remember who her husband was but she couldn't believe that she had become the person he had fallen in love with.  She couldn't understand why she had made the choices she did, how she ended up where she was, or even why she had become a vegetarian.

She was still the same person, but it was like she had gone back in time.  It was more than just missing memories, it was missing life.  Every day is filled with moments where choices are made.  Most of the time it seems that these are mundane, where one hour just runs into the next and you could "copy-paste" the week from the one before.  But the truth is it's those moments that make up who we are, no matter how unimportant they may seem.  You have a personality, which can be seen since the time you're born, that may dictate how you react to a situation.  However, every experience we live through, every choice we make, is added to the make up of who we are.  It becomes part of the driving force in our life that makes decisions.  It becomes part of the way we think and the things we want and the people we keep around us.

I've often heard the question posed "If you could take a pill that would make you straight, would you?"  My answer now, and forever more, will be no.  The things I've been through, including all the depression and stuff from having to deal with being gay, make me who I am.  I look at the world the way I do because of what I've been through.  If I were straight I wouldn't have had lived through all the same moments.  I wouldn't have the same relationship with my God the way I do.  I wouldn't have gotten to meet so many wonderful people.  I wouldn't have the same deep understanding of love and compassion that I've found on my journey.  There may have been some times where I didn't like that moment I was living through, but I wouldn't change any of them for the world.

~Bridey J.