Hey Listen

I feel like I want to write, but I don't know what to say. I feel like I have so much inside of me that I want to get out before I explode. My friend Braidan says I should just write and let it come out and worry about making sense later. But I can also hear my dad's voice in the back of mind warning me not to complain. It's not that I'm not allowed to complain, but it really doesn't take a lot of effort to get online and start complaining to the anonymous world you never really have to face. If I'm going to give myself a voice I want it to be strong, and worth listening to. I want to be heard.

My whole life I've felt like I've never really been heard. It always seemed like time after time I didn't even have control over my own life. I somehow couldn't understand how to play the game. Kids used to pick on me when I was younger. I tried telling teachers, but no one listened. This one girl was especially mean calling me names every single day, so I finally did something. I got her unlisted phone number from one of her friends and told her that if she didn't stop I would have my parents call her parents and tell them what she's been doing. She started to cry and make this big scene and the teachers came over and in the end I was the one who got in trouble because I made her cry. No one even cared that she was the one making me cry every day.

This last semester here at the BYU I had roommates who treated me like I was nothing. They passive aggressively (and sometimes not so passively) made me feel ashamed of who I was for no other reason than they didn't like it. They told me I was against what they believed and that it was my fault that they were angry. I would sit in my bed all day thinking of how I could fix this and the only thing I could think of was to not be gay anymore. I had tried all that before, so I know the only way to do that would be to not live any more. I went to the administration and told them how bad it was, but all I heard was that these girls had a right to hate me because I refused to change.

Listen, I don't know who's reading this. I don't know if you found this because we're friends on Facebook, or you know me from USGA. For all I know you accidentally clicked the wrong link and have no clue where you are. I remember searching all over the internet for hours at a time for anybody out there who might understand the hell I was going through. I was desperately looking for someone who would give me a voice, because mine has been stomped out over and over again. Now I'm screaming at the top of my lungs...but is anybody listening?

~Bridey J

Tender Mercies

Last night my friends and I went out for some late night ice cream. Seriously, out of nowhere, this girl comes up to me and asks "are you Bridey Jensen". I was very confused, but answered in the affirmative, as it is the truth. She told me that she was in one of the classes that I went and spoke to, about being lesbian and Mormon at BYU. She said she has a friend up here (meaning BYU) who is gay and just needs something else. She wanted to come to USGA so I gladly gave her the info. At this point she got a little choked up and thanked us over and over for the things we were doing (meaning talking to classes and USGA and such). She said she knows a lot of people who need what we're doing, and that whether we know it or not we are saving lives.

There are times where I wonder if what I'm doing makes a difference at all. Then things like this happen and it makes me so happy. Thank you, kind stranger, for reminding me that the things I do matter to someone.

~Bridey J

Caught in the Middle

For my entire life I have always been part of two worlds. Since I can remember I have always been deaf. I never knew it was different until I was four years old, when I yelled at my dad for not knowing. He was whispering something in my left ear and I was mad because I thought he was doing it on purpose to bother me. That was the moment I realized I was different. After many audio tests, MRI's, and probably twice as much sedative as most small children ever need (I had lots of energy) the doctors told me and my parents that they didn't know why I was deaf and that they couldn't do anything to help me hear more. That was the moment I realized I would always be different.

Thanks to a mom who had a masters degree in speech pathology and a dad who read books to me every night, I could speak and read just like anyone else by the time I started school. However, I'm not sure if this was enough for the rest of the world. There was a kid in my kindergarten class that I called "Cow", and it wasn't until years later that I finally realized his name must have been "Kyle". Teachers refused to believe me when I told them I was deaf, because I spoke so well and I was so smart (because many people still find deaf and dumb synonymous) so I hardly ever got classroom accommodations. They would always ask "well where's your hearing aids?". I'm certain these teachers would also not believe you were blind until you put on sunglasses. I later found out from friends that other kids would say some really mean stuff right next to me because they knew I couldn't hear them doing it. Even when I was with my friends I felt isolated, stringing together whole conversations on the few words I could catch.

Now after almost 24 years of lip reading, learning body language, and asking "what?" more than all the jeopardy contestants ever...combined, I'm considered quite "well adjusted". You would never know it by looking at me or hearing me speak. Even close friends who have known me for years are quite surprised when I tell them. I've learned to adapt. I bought special headphones, and always turn on closed captioning. I even went as far as getting a titanium hearing appliance surgically implanted in my head so I can filter back round noise and locate where sound comes from. Now I set off all the airport metal detectors. I'm not in any way miserable because of this part of my life, but not a day goes by without me wishing I could hear. It's the little things, really. Like if I ask "what" too many times most people say "never mind" and I never find out, and things that are quickly whispered I know are gone forever, and it's really embarrassing to suddenly notice someone has been talking to you for the past five minutes thinking you heard every word. It's just a reminder that there is this world that i'm not quite a part of because every day I'm missing so much of it.

On the other hand you have completely different fingers. I started learning sign language when I was little and I absolutely loved it. I didn't have to hear someone to communicate and that idea was so exciting. I slowly taught myself more as I grew up, but I didn't take my first class until college. Oh my Goodness! It was amazing! It's like this world that has forever been closed to me was finally opened up and I never want to go back. It's such a beautiful language and comes with such an amazing culture. It's so expressive and full of life. I know if I try to explain some of you won't understand, but I'm trying anyway. It's like you hear with your eyes, and it's amazing. There's no more straining to lip read, or missing conversations. The culture is amazing and often makes more sense to me than hearing culture. The history is full of people standing up for themselves and creating a world of their own when no one else thought they were worth it. I wish so many times that I could call this history my own. I wish I had grown up in this culture and been a part of these people. I wish I was Deaf.

I'm hearing and I'm deaf. I don't quite have either world that claims all of me. There are things from both sides that I have taken from to create my own little world. I can't give up one or the other, because I belong to both. Two seemingly mutually exclusive worlds. Yet here I am, proof that water and oil can mix sometimes.

~Bridey J

A Peace of My Mind

I feel like I'm in a time of my life where being lesbian is really no longer a problem for me. I understand that it's not a reflection of my character or any sort of punishment from some higher being. I'm not being anything other than myself, and if this happens to be part of it, then so be it. Now my goal is to just figure out the rest of life. Simple, right?

I feel like I have been through so much that I need to start over. I need to figure out exactly what is me and what is the residual feelings and ideas of what I'm "supposed" to be. I need to be genuine and unafraid...but what I'm finding is that it's quite scary to be truthful about who I am.

My first plan was to approach the church with fresh eyes. I would look at this familiar world without the shame that had always hung over me. I was certain that I would finally be happy in the church and in the gospel now that I no longer doubted my worth at ever turn. But what I'm finding is that the more I try to throw myself into church, the more the unrest intensifies. The place that I have been taught my whole life would bring me joy and happiness only seems to be leaving me without. My goal has never been to become the "perfect Molly Mormon". The only end I strive for is to be a good person.

So what am I to think when I'm doing everything I'm "supposed" to do to be a good person and find happiness and it only seems to be getting farther and farther away? One of the biggest contributors is this feeling that I am supposed to want certain things to be happy...and I just can't. I'm taught that true lasting happiness comes from marrying a man in the temple...I don't want that...I can't want that, I've tried. Since I know I don't ultimately want it, I'm not particularly going out of my way to make sure I have a recommend...that's not to say I'm unworthy in any way, I just don't have one. Why would I want to work so hard for something that some leader that doesn't even know ME might one day decide I don't really deserve for no other reason than me just being honest about being me? If they take it from me, that would hurt so much worse than being without. I've found peace in the decision to be without one at this point in my life, and I have felt like I shouldn't let this plague me any longer. But, here's where the church culture sneaks in, despite my best efforts. The way it seems we've been taught is that having a temple recommend is the paragon of worthiness, and if you don't have a current one it's as if you are a second-class member. How am I ever supposed to feel happy when everything I try just constantly reinforces the idea that I am not enough?

I have this friend named Ty. We talk about ALL the things. He has helped me countless times when I couldn't quite form coherent thoughts from the mumbo jumbo that floats around my head. With his help I have sifted through my thoughts and realized so much...

I don't really care if I'm always happy. No one is always going to be happy. What I really want is peace. There is a battle still raging inside of me and I just want peace from it all. I truly believe that it's not necessarily happiness that we are all searching for, but actually peace. Like I said in my last post, I have felt peace before and I pray to feel it again. What I'm wondering now is if people will let me find it. Some may think it's unusual, or impossible, to feel the spirit where I have and about the things I pray for, but what makes my happiness less legitimate than theirs? Why does it matter how we get to that place of joy or happiness? Shouldn't it matter more that we find it and feel it with love? I just wonder if they would really let me go, if doing so would finally bring me peace.

~Bridey J

Spirituality ╪ Religion

Last night at USGA we had a discussion about religion. The thing we all have in common up here at the BYU is we are somehow presently, or before, connected to the LDS church. And just like everywhere else in life when you get a bunch of Mormons together (or just people in general) everyone is going to be at varying degrees in their relationship to the church. Seeing as how we are a people whose very existence seem to contradict their own religion, we thought it would an important topic to address. I'm not gonna lie, I was a bit nervous when this idea came up in our planning meeting. I tend to always think of the worse case scenario, and I was afraid that it would end up being a small attack on the LDS church. But to my joy and relief this was possibly one of the better meetings we've had. I am slightly ashamed that I didn't have more faith in my friends, but I'm happy to have been proved wrong.

Many people in the group still attend church to some extent. Some are still trying to find the balance between these seemingly mutually exclusive halves of themselves. Others have already found harmony inwardly and are now only trying to change the outside to match. While others still are finding it necessary to just step away from the church right now in order to find peace. What gave me hope yesterday was to hear people, with all different feelings about the church, each bear their testimonies of God's love for them, and the truthfulness of the gospel. I saw people talking with each other, and jumping at the chance to ease each other's pain. I felt a type of authenticity and truth I haven't known in a long time. I felt so peaceful in that room, I crave to feel it again.

Dare I say I felt the spirit in a place where it is sometimes encouraged to leave the church? People might find it strange that one can have a testimony of their homosexuality, but the fact is that many of us have felt God's approval of accepting our whole selves. Just because someone may not be close to the LDS church does in no way reflect upon the relationship they have with their Heavenly Father and the personal truths they have felt. All I know is that it has been said that the adversary can imitate a feeling of the spirit, such as a burning in the bosom or intense emotion, but he cannot fake a feeling of peace. And I know what I felt last night was peace.

~Bridey J

New Year

I was talking to a boy named Dylan this last Thursday at USGA. He was quite amazed at the number of people that came, and on top of that all the people that couldn't quite make it but are still part of the group. He came from Salt Lake City, where they have an LGBT center at the U of U.

A few weeks ago I was talking to a different boy that was on a small panel with me for the Utah County PFLAG. He was also from the LGBT center at U of U. I sat there and proudly told them all that USGA had moved into a bigger room and that we were mentioned in a small, independently student run newspaper and that we were hopeful that faculty support would come soon. Afterwards he told us about how U of U has an entire center and full university support and funds and all this stuff. I felt kind of silly, that our biggest goals at this point were to not get kicked out of our own room some weeks. I felt like we should have done more.

So back to this Thursday...one of the first questions Dylan asked me was why such a club exists here at BYU. Why would I fight for such a club? Well I looked over at all of the people standing around that room and talking and knowing how far a lot of those people have come and with out hesitating I answered "Because we NEED one. I mean, just look...". He understood what I was saying and told me that the number of people we had that night was more than the U of U center gets all week (and they're opened 6 days a week).

It may not be the best, but it's what we need, and believe me when I say we're trying our hardest to make it even better. Just seeing how much USGA has grown, from when there was ten of us sitting in a circle to now where we have an average of 45-50 people a week, it's gives me hope. We will continue to reach out and grow because that's what people here need.

I have a lot of hope for this year :)

~Bridey J