My whole life I've felt like I've never really been heard. It always seemed like time after time I didn't even have control over my own life. I somehow couldn't understand how to play the game. Kids used to pick on me when I was younger. I tried telling teachers, but no one listened. This one girl was especially mean calling me names every single day, so I finally did something. I got her unlisted phone number from one of her friends and told her that if she didn't stop I would have my parents call her parents and tell them what she's been doing. She started to cry and make this big scene and the teachers came over and in the end I was the one who got in trouble because I made her cry. No one even cared that she was the one making me cry every day.
This last semester here at the BYU I had roommates who treated me like I was nothing. They passive aggressively (and sometimes not so passively) made me feel ashamed of who I was for no other reason than they didn't like it. They told me I was against what they believed and that it was my fault that they were angry. I would sit in my bed all day thinking of how I could fix this and the only thing I could think of was to not be gay anymore. I had tried all that before, so I know the only way to do that would be to not live any more. I went to the administration and told them how bad it was, but all I heard was that these girls had a right to hate me because I refused to change.
Listen, I don't know who's reading this. I don't know if you found this because we're friends on Facebook, or you know me from USGA. For all I know you accidentally clicked the wrong link and have no clue where you are. I remember searching all over the internet for hours at a time for anybody out there who might understand the hell I was going through. I was desperately looking for someone who would give me a voice, because mine has been stomped out over and over again. Now I'm screaming at the top of my lungs...but is anybody listening?
~Bridey J
I am. [] And your voice is stronger than you know. Those girls were stupid, but you're not. And I'm sorry that's all you heard from administration. I know they were technically telling you different words, but they should have done more to protect your feelings. At very least, I'm glad that you're in a great apartment now. And you're continuing to find your voice. I'll be here to listen.
ReplyDeleteTotally listening. Always. And I love what I "hear". ;)
ReplyDeleteI remember having a bunch of roommates like yours, where i always felt isolated from them, like we spoke completely different languages. It's pretty sad to feel unwelcome in your own home. Hope things get better for you Bridey. I'm listening, too :)
ReplyDeleteYou know, your headline is right. You are a mild mannered college student living the life of a super hero. I read this a couple of hours ago and had no idea what to say to you. I didn't just want to say, "hey I'm listening." I wanted to say you have been heard. You have impacted me in particular. I had almost unlimited resources at the U and didn't made half the impact that you have at one of the most conservative schools in the country. Since I have been coming I have watch USGA grow so much. This is going to sound cheesy, but you have created a community, a family even. Just keep doing what you're doing. Karma is going to get all of those people who put others down, don't you worry. I'm always available if you need to talk day or night....mornings not so much though... haha.
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