Caught in the Middle

For my entire life I have always been part of two worlds. Since I can remember I have always been deaf. I never knew it was different until I was four years old, when I yelled at my dad for not knowing. He was whispering something in my left ear and I was mad because I thought he was doing it on purpose to bother me. That was the moment I realized I was different. After many audio tests, MRI's, and probably twice as much sedative as most small children ever need (I had lots of energy) the doctors told me and my parents that they didn't know why I was deaf and that they couldn't do anything to help me hear more. That was the moment I realized I would always be different.

Thanks to a mom who had a masters degree in speech pathology and a dad who read books to me every night, I could speak and read just like anyone else by the time I started school. However, I'm not sure if this was enough for the rest of the world. There was a kid in my kindergarten class that I called "Cow", and it wasn't until years later that I finally realized his name must have been "Kyle". Teachers refused to believe me when I told them I was deaf, because I spoke so well and I was so smart (because many people still find deaf and dumb synonymous) so I hardly ever got classroom accommodations. They would always ask "well where's your hearing aids?". I'm certain these teachers would also not believe you were blind until you put on sunglasses. I later found out from friends that other kids would say some really mean stuff right next to me because they knew I couldn't hear them doing it. Even when I was with my friends I felt isolated, stringing together whole conversations on the few words I could catch.

Now after almost 24 years of lip reading, learning body language, and asking "what?" more than all the jeopardy contestants ever...combined, I'm considered quite "well adjusted". You would never know it by looking at me or hearing me speak. Even close friends who have known me for years are quite surprised when I tell them. I've learned to adapt. I bought special headphones, and always turn on closed captioning. I even went as far as getting a titanium hearing appliance surgically implanted in my head so I can filter back round noise and locate where sound comes from. Now I set off all the airport metal detectors. I'm not in any way miserable because of this part of my life, but not a day goes by without me wishing I could hear. It's the little things, really. Like if I ask "what" too many times most people say "never mind" and I never find out, and things that are quickly whispered I know are gone forever, and it's really embarrassing to suddenly notice someone has been talking to you for the past five minutes thinking you heard every word. It's just a reminder that there is this world that i'm not quite a part of because every day I'm missing so much of it.

On the other hand you have completely different fingers. I started learning sign language when I was little and I absolutely loved it. I didn't have to hear someone to communicate and that idea was so exciting. I slowly taught myself more as I grew up, but I didn't take my first class until college. Oh my Goodness! It was amazing! It's like this world that has forever been closed to me was finally opened up and I never want to go back. It's such a beautiful language and comes with such an amazing culture. It's so expressive and full of life. I know if I try to explain some of you won't understand, but I'm trying anyway. It's like you hear with your eyes, and it's amazing. There's no more straining to lip read, or missing conversations. The culture is amazing and often makes more sense to me than hearing culture. The history is full of people standing up for themselves and creating a world of their own when no one else thought they were worth it. I wish so many times that I could call this history my own. I wish I had grown up in this culture and been a part of these people. I wish I was Deaf.

I'm hearing and I'm deaf. I don't quite have either world that claims all of me. There are things from both sides that I have taken from to create my own little world. I can't give up one or the other, because I belong to both. Two seemingly mutually exclusive worlds. Yet here I am, proof that water and oil can mix sometimes.

~Bridey J