Castles in the Air

I was, in recent months, at a high school graduation for a friend of mine.  I knew it was gonna be a long couple of hours when the first student speakers actually "hashtagged" something in her speech.

It wasn't until the principal got up that I actually heard something that made my ears perk up.   He summed up Henry David Thoreau's, Walden, with the often quoted advice, "If you advance in the direction of how you imagine your life, not how convention dictates that it should be, then you will find success on a scale undreamed through reasonable expectations."  Immediately, I got a little nudge, from my friend (Martin, I'm writing this for you), as if to say "there's the answer to your questions, kid".

Well I went and looked up the actual quote from the story and it's a little more poetic, if you ask me.

"I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws will be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings...If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."

Magnificent.

I will now consciously make my way towards those castles my imagination and soul have created, whether that means I have to climb the whole way, or if I discover how to fly there.

A Thorough Analysis of My Arachnophobia

~Bridey J.

New Content

The things I write on this blog are for more than just being heard.  If I really wanted to be heard I would talk to my like-minded friends and get approval and validation from them.  (Which I do ALL the time.  They are very helpful when I want to feel better about my life.)  Writing here is not about validation for me.  It's about wanting to make a meaningful connection with another human being.

There are times when I'm on Facebook and I'll see a friend's name with a little green dot next to it.  Before I even know what I want to say I already have the little chat window open up and typing some sort of salutation that elicits a response.  After the initial greeting I will usually sit there staring at the little screen, watching the cursor blink, trying desperately to think of more meaningful words to say.  It's not enough to continue on with the meaningless back-and-forth of customary conversational statements that rarely hold the sincerity they sound like they should.  I want to be honest with someone and tell them everything, but I can't find any place to start.

When I started this blog I felt like I had things to say.  I thought I would find people to reach out and make that connection with.  Now I want so bad to keep making that connection, but it feels like nothing is good enough.  I've made a decision that I'm just gonna write.  Sometimes it will be connection worthy, and sometimes it may fall short.  But it will get out there nonetheless, and that's more than half the battle.

~Bridey J.

Poem

                                                                 Silent             Conversations.
                                                            Better than        carnations.  Hold
                                                            my             fragile                hand,
                                                           to                                       gether
                                                            we                                    stand.
                                                             Invincible                         in
                                                                 this                      moment.
                                                                    Time                 well
                                                                        spent.       Love
                                                                            until      I
                                                                                  die.

                                                                                                      ~KW

Mundane Matrimony

Tonight, all over the place, people gathered together and held candle light ceremonies to show their hope for the outcomes of the approaching Supreme Court hearings on two court cases dealing with marriage equality. The over turn of both Prop. 8 and DOMA could potentially lead the way for marriage equality through out the country.  I, unfortunately, could not attend the little rally held in Provo due to some health issues.  It did give me time to wonder, just between myself and I, why I wanted to fight for gay marriage, other than that fact that I hope to one day be gay married.

I tried to recall all the arguments I have heard over time from both sides and hash it out in my mind.  The one my mind kept returning to is one I had heard many times here in Utah.  The idea is that Civil Unions should be enough, because it comes with all the political and legal rights we are fighting for anyway.  Well, it may come as no shock that I do not want a civil union.  I want to be married to my future wife someday.  Many people say that to allow gay marriage would be undermining the sacredness of the act (as if heterosexuals have a monopoly on religion and the understanding of sacred things).  I want my marriage to be just as meaningful and sacred and special as anyone else's.

I really think that fighting for equal rights is important.  I want to be able to visit my wife in the hospital.  I want to be able to file joint taxes and have our family recognized by the government.  But the civil rights will come on their own, the fight will continue until we are equal in this respect.  I do not fear that the government will ultimately not see my family as a real family.  I am afraid that others will not see me/us as equal.  By having separate or unequal rights it gives some people an excuse to look down on others, even if it's just subconsciously.

Because marriage equality is something that needs to be fought for, rather than something that is given freely, I feel like some people think of my love as less special.  They think that I don't hold marriage to a high standard.  Like I am just some child that wants a toy just because someone else is playing with it.  Knowing that others think of me like this makes it hard to think of myself as something better than the second-class role they put me in.  So why do I fight?  I fight for marriage equality because I know I am worth it.  For me, it has nothing to do with the political rights.  It's about people recognizing that the greatest desire of my heart is to be specially bound to the woman I love, and to be called her lawful wedded wife, and for our family to be sacred and eternal...just like everyone else.  I fight because I am worth that.

~Bridey J.

Chop Chop...Oops

I am currently employed at Papa Murphy's Take 'N' Bake Pizza.  Every morning I get up nice and early and catch the bus to catch the second bus to get to work.  I then spend the next 8 hours mixing and smashing pizza dough, grating cheese, making sauces, and cutting vegetables so that every day everything is fresh.  Well you can imagine how doing the same thing every day can not only eventually wear out the equipment we use, but also easily become a job of brainless motions.

This last week my boss got brand new knifes to cut the veggies.  Well...I got a little over excited and was cutting a bit too fast...when suddenly my hand was in pain and there was blood on the green onions.  I almost cut the tip of my thumb completely off.  It was just hanging on by a bit and bleeding everywhere.  I then spent the rest of my day at the insta-care with a wad of napkins holding my finger together.  I lost a chunk of my finger nail so they had to put the stitches through the remaining nail to keep the tip on.  

Here's a picture...Enjoy!

This is after being cleaned up a few days later.

~Bridey J.

Genderless

The gender binary is really not a complicated subject matter.  There are girls and boys.  Men and women. Male and female.  This has nothing to do with what they like, how they act, stereotypes, clothes, sexual orientation or even what may, or may not, be between someone's legs.  Males are usually associated with some degree of masculinity, while Females are feminine.


Transsexuals, born one sex , but identify as the other another, also work within the gender binary.  The symbols don't show an over abundance of creativity, but they are at least informative.

Now, we step out of the comfort of the gender binary and into something different.

It is now no longer one or the other, but placed on a spectrum, of sorts, that goes in between and beyond.


As silly as it might seem, I don't think I fit in the gender binary.  I don't even know if I fit in one of these other categories  I guess I'm somewhere in between, and it's sometimes hard to explain.  Even to myself.  I feel like even the spectrum is a little more exclusive than I initially thought. Let me try to explain.

My sex is female. I have a vagina and I'm fine with that.  I also have breasts and hips and curves.  I am not fine with any of those.  My gender is...confusing.  I wish the general public would address me with male pronouns, as the English language does not have gender-less pronouns. I want to wear a suit and tie to church. I wish my body reflected that more (unlike Shakirra, my hips do lie).  But I'm okay with my name and who I am.  I'm okay being someone's girlfriend, wife, or mother.

Sex is usually based on the primary and secondary sex organs you have.  Gender is actually based on a role you play in society.  I'm not comfortable with the role that was assigned to me because I have ovaries and not testicles.  I wish there was an acceptable role of just being Bridey.   I wish our minds weren't constructed in a way where we subconsciously demand that every thing have a label, or a place to belong.  It's even confusing in my own mind to accept that I am genderqueer, because it's not one or another.   But I'm okay being me.  I'm okay exploring what that means.   I hope you'll come on this journey with me.

~Bridey J.

Not Equal Yet

Recently a good friend of mine got a letter to the editor published in the Utah newspaper "The Salt Lake Tribune".   It focused on the idea that while she is protected by anti-discrimination laws in Salt Lake County, if her life were to take her elsewhere in Utah, she would not have the same right.  The laws she mentioned protect her from being fired from a job or evicted from housing solely because of her sexual orientation (as she is a lesbian).  It might surprise some of you, as it did me, that these laws are not in place country-wide.  At a job I used to have back in Oklahoma there was a large sign next to the lockers that would remind everyone that no employment decisions (such as hiring, firing, disciplinary action, promotion, pay or other work conditions) could be made based on my sex, age, race, color, religion, national origin, disability, genetic information, OR sexual identity and orientation.   I was very surprised to find that the same sign at my current place of employment in Utah, a branch of the same company, did not include the last part.

I came out to my coworkers when I started the job.  I wanted to make it known that saying things like "that's so gay" and calling each other faggot was not gonna fly with me.  It has now become a very comfortable and casual thing that my coworkers and I talk about.  I really do enjoy my work because of the people I work with.  But one day last week, someone said something referencing my being a lesbian, right to my boss.  She didn't think anything about it, because she doesn't have to.  None of them have to think about it.  It's not a reality for them.  I don't go a day without thinking about it.  I don't think my boss will actually do anything to me, but I've been on edge because he could if he really wanted to, and there are no laws to stop him.

A few years ago I had a roommate that freaked out when she found out I was gay.  She reported me to the housing office and to my landlord, hoping to get me evicted.  I lived in BYU contracted housing, and I wasn't breaking the BYU honor code just by being gay, so there was no grounds for eviction. How ironic that being a BYU student kept me safe, and not a law.

This is my reality.  I'm not considered equal yet.

~Bridey J.

Beyond the Bubble - Guest Post

I pulled onto the lonely highway in western Cache valley, set my sights on the horizon, and let my foot fall heavy on the accelerator as Kelly Clarkson sang “Breakaway” at full blast. In the early light of that August morning there was hardly another soul on the road. The sun was breaking hard and bright over the mountains behind me. And as the reality of my packed car hit me, I couldn't help but laugh with glee. I was leaving. I was finally free. That night I pulled into my friends’ driveway in central Seattle, and after unloading my things and spending some time with my hosts, I fell into a deep sleep in my new home.

It’s been almost five months now. Every once in a while I get a glimpse, a reminder of my life back in Utah, and I realize that I've already forgotten how different things were. And in that moment I thank God for Seattle. When I put my life in Provo side by side with my life in Seattle, the difference is stark. Perhaps the most obvious difference is the lack of secrecy in my life here. Seattle is a special city, though I’m sure most metropolitan areas share this to some degree. Here, the people share a common, low-maintenance attitude: as long as you’re not a jerk, we don’t have a problem with you. As I became acquainted with my classmates, being gay and from Mormon Utah were both very poignant things for me to claim. Every one of my classmates was warm and accepting. These things didn't change who I was to them. They were simply “flavorings” on my personality.

I’ll admit, I went into a bit of an identity crisis in the first couple of months when being gay and Mormon wasn't something I could cling to anymore. As those identifiers lost their potency, all that was left was being “Nick." I don’t think I've ever had an opportunity quite like this where I was granted such an extensive freedom to determine what that meant. At first, it was intimidating. Then, it was exciting. Now, it is freeing. I don’t have to cling to “gay” or “post-Mormon.” I don’t have to cling to anything to fit. I am me, and I am in a place where that is enough for people.

Having been in Seattle for election season, I got to see a whole new world. Signs like “College Republicans: You’re not alone!” or “Capitalism isn't working! Socialism is the answer” told me that I wasn't in Kansas (or Provo!) anymore. I was able to vote in a state that went Blue for the first time in my life. And I was able to see the numbers come in as my fellow Washingtonians voted to include me and my love into the law and into daily life. The passing of Referendum 74 was very moving for me. And the campaign, seeing the green “Yes on 74!” signs everywhere, was amazing. For the first time in my life my neighbors were actively working to include me and my love, me as-is. The peace and inclusion I feel is something I did not get in Utah.

Dating was also different. I found that boys here have less internal angst than in Utah, and they don’t feel pressure to cling to stereotypes. They feel free and comfortable being open about themselves, no matter who they are. It was quite the experience to explore Capitol Hill, the gay district where rainbow flags are hung over doorways, and to see pairs of eyes following me every now and again. As you might imagine, it was a great confidence boost!

Most satisfying, though, was walking hand in hand with my date through Pike’s Place on the pier. Instead of glares and stares, people would approach us and tell us how cute we were. We would hear people whisper about how adorable it was to see us. That kind of subtle acceptance and valuing of my relationship was more rewarding than I expected.

I have been in a relationship for almost four months now. I found a good Christian boy who views spirituality and religion like I do, who is comfortable with himself, and who has no apprehension about taking my hand in the grocery store or in church as we recite the Lord’s prayer. In comparison the little subtleties become so stark.

I think that the most powerful difference, though, is the way Seattle has allowed me to love and accept myself as I am. Even in places like USGA where I was free to be authentic about my sexuality, there was always this sense of rebellion, of swimming upstream. Things have finally settled here in the Pacific Northwest, and the naysayers don’t have the same emotional power over me like they used to. I can finally just be me, and that’s enough.

BYU, Provo, and USGA will always hold a special place in my heart. USGA was the safe space that allowed me to come out of my gay shell and stretch my wings a bit. But I am also grateful to have left, to have stood at the edge of the cliff, and leaped, just to see how far I can fly. I hope the same for everyone in USGA.

-Nick Norman-

Inclusion

Alright, people.  I've noticed something recently.  There tends to be a certain kind of voice that gets heard and it's the loud ones.  These voices tend to belong to people that are more passionate, and on the extremes of issues.  Well I'm more of a "Jesus said love everyone" kinda person, and my personality is such that I don't like stepping on toes, so I tend to be quiet.  Well I don't feel like I should be quiet about some things any more, so here goes.

 So there are a lot of people that say that being gay is wrong.  I'm pretty sure that at this point we can all agree that it is not (except for the crazies), because one does not choose to have feelings of same-sex attraction, just as one does not choose to have feelings of opposite-sex attraction.  Nothing is wrong with attraction, no matter who it is to.

Where it seems that people start to differ dramatically is when you ask them what the "right" course of action is.  This is where I've been told I have a unique perspective.

The right choice for you is the one that will personally bring you the most happiness throughout your life.

I will fight for your right to have the future that you choose.  Whether that be in a mixed-orientation marriage, a same-sex marriage, something in between, or if you choose to live a celibate life (more power to you, because I don't think I could ever have that kind of will power).  What we often overlook when we are focusing on fighting for the "right" thing is that we're actually all fighting for the same thing.  We are all fighting for our right to happiness. We need to fight for that same right for others, whether or not we believe it is our right choice.  We need to fight for others to have the right to their happiness too.  To not just fight for ourselves, but to fight for each other, together...just imagine how strong we could be.

~Bridey J.

Boxes

I was talking with a friend not too long ago about her reluctance to come out.  She said that she doesn't think she's ready to be put in box of what people think she is, or what they think she should be if she comes out as a lesbian.  I almost immediately wanted to go on about how amazing it's been for me since I came out to the world (literally), because it has given me so much room to just be myself.  I no longer feel like I'm lying to people or pretending to be something I'm not.  When I don't have to worry so much about what people think I am or think I should be it allows me to be what ever I want, which is just me.  But you know what?  Just because I have found this new freedom, doesn't mean that it's right for everyone to do the same thing I did (and certainly not the same way I did it).

After thinking about it for a few days, I have to say I understand her fear.  For the longest time I was afraid to call my self a lesbian.  I would always phrase it that I was "attracted to women".  I told myself that it was because that was easier for people to handle or understand than "I'm gay!"  Later on I realized it was because I was afraid that if I called myself a Lesbian then people would think I was lying if I ever dated a boy.  If they thought I might be lying about my orientation, how legitimate would my pain still be to them?  I was afraid they would think I was lying about that too.




On the other hand, I really did once have a roommate tell me, after many months of being out to her and becoming close friends, that if I had come out to her as lesbian (instead of same-sex attracted) she might not have given me the chance to get to know me the way she did.  For her the term Lesbian or Gay came with a lot of baggage.  We were roommates over the year that I really came in to myself and finally became comfortable with who Bridey really is, and not just in a gay way.  Through our friendship I was able to show her that labeling oneself as gay or lesbian (or any other letter of the ever expanding acronym for non cis-heterosexuals) didn't change a person for the worse, or even for the better.  That being said, not labeling yourself as anything doesn't change you either.

I personally believe that labels are a way to belong and not feel lost.  To be able to say "I am this thing that a lot of other people are".  Putting yourself in a box where there are a lot of other people can feel safe, and make you feel not so secluded or alone.  It should be for yourself and no one else.  It's to help you figure out who you are and finding a place you feel you belong.  When other people start to use this safe place to restrict them from imagining you complexly, that's when boxes become a problem.

Boxes, both metaphorical and cardboard, are for organizing things.  The way our minds work, it is easier to put ourselves and others in boxes, or to label, stereotype, or categorize them.  But the individual should always supersede what's written on the boxes.  The individual is ever changing through time.  Boxes can be entered, left, and redefined multiple times during one life.  We need to learn to not define people, including ourselves, by the boxes they may frequent.

~Bridey J.