Isomers

I may be a statistician now, but before that I studied chemistry.  In chemistry there are things called isomeric compounds, or just isomers.  An isomer has the same chemical formula as another compound, but a different structural formula.  They are made of the exact same things, just formed a little different.  Even though isomers may look very similarly, they can have extremely different properties and reactions.  "Why are you telling us about boring science, Bridey?" you may ask.  Well I thought I would talk about the T in the "LGBTQ" community by using a concept widely understood and accepted in the scientific community.  So stay with me, please.  

Sterioisomers are isomeric molecules that have the same molecular formula and sequence of bonded atoms, and differ only in the three-dimensional orientation of their atoms in space.  The way to compare these different structures is through cis-trans isomerism.  The words cis and trans are Latin words meaning "on the same side" and "across", respectively.  For those of you who are more visual, here's some pictures.

cis-1,2-dichloroethene              trans-1,2-dichloroethene

Okay, I'll stop with the science before I bore you all to death.  Now on to the queer stuff.  Allow me to lay out before you two very similar, yet very different scenarios.

My friend Zac is one of the many wonderful people I have gotten to know through USGA.  He's from a small town in Texas, and is in Utah for school.  He was born into a family that actively participates in the LDS church.  Zac's sex is male.  He has a penis and can grow facial hair.  He is very comfortable identifying as a male.  He's also very comfortable with his attraction to other men.  Where things get a little tricky for some people is when I tell you that Zac technically has XX chromosomes.  Regardless, Zac is known as a cis-man.  Meaning he identifies as the sex he was born.

I have another friend, also named Zachary.  He too is from Texas, and is up in Utah for school.  He was born into an active LDS family.  Zachary is male.  He is very comfortable in his role as a man, and with his attraction to women.  Zachary was also born with  XX chromosomes.  The only real difference between them is that Zachary has a vagina and the other secondary sex characteristics of a female.  Zach is known as a trans-man.  This means he does not identify with the sex he was born as.

Like two isomers, these two boys are the same in every aspect except what you might find between their legs.  One is the same as what you see, the other is not quite what you'd expect.  Despite how similar these two may be, the world tends to react quite differently to their unique situations.

Zac is recognized as male right from the get-go.  He has to take hormones so he can grow his lovely facial hair, and not grow breasts.  Everyone accepts his being a male, even though he's genetically a female, because he was born with a penis. They can easily overlook it.  On the other hand Zachary doesn't pass as male as often.  He wants to take hormones so he too can grow scruffy face hair, and he wants a chest instead of breasts.  Only his close friends and family continuously accepts him as male.  To society, he's not only genetically female, but also socially female because he was born with a vagina.

Why does one deviation make such a difference to people?  Why can we accept the phenomenon of someone being sexually different than what their DNA is telling them, but not sexually different from what their soul is telling them?  Birth defects happen all the time.  Society as a whole accepts that sometimes the sex of the child is not 100% one or the other.  Why can they not accept that maybe it's 100% of the wrong one?

I want to say that the experience of both of these boys are very valid.  I do not write about this issue to claim that I have the answers.  In fact, if anything I want to tell you that I don't have the answers.  But what I do understand is that it shouldn't matter.  Zac and Zach, if you are reading this, know that you are loved by so many people. You deserve to be loved for the very person your heart is telling you that you are.

~Bridey J.

Fears and Phobias

I was thinking about all the things there is to be afraid about...and that freaked me out...so I made a list of the things I am actually legit afraid of in order from "uneasy" to "well this interferes with my day to day life", and all the way to "oh my hell I just peed myself".

1. Telephonophobia = the fear of talking on the phone - texting truly is a god sent
2. Testophobia = the fear of taking tests - I get major test anxiety
3. Xenophobia = fear of strangers - this was worse when I was a kid and I thought that the lady at the McDonalds would tear my face off if I tried to order more fries.  Needless to say it's gotten better with age.  Now I only think that she will slap me, but I take my chances.  This should not be mixed up with the word "Xenaphobia" meaning the "fear of Xena Warrior Princess"
4. Glossophobia = fear of public speaking - this used to be much much worse, many time resulting in shaking, dizziness, sweating, momentarily blacking out, and vomiting.  But since I was required to get in front of people all the time at USGA, I have been able to conquer it.  Well...I still sweat a lot.
5. Hypnophobia = fear of sleep - this is actually closely connected to my Insomniphobia, or fear of not being able to sleep.  I tend to avoid the whole subject all together, or take medicine.  
6. Cucuyphobia = fear of under the bed - there are alligators under my bed at all time and in all things and in all places.  I usually take the bed frame off so it's just a box and a mattress on the floor.  No space = no alligators.  Until you can prove that they are never there, they are always there.
7. Kakorrhaphiophobia = fear of failure - this mostly manifests itself in academic ways, such as not being able to start homework without going into crippling fits of hysteria and anxiety attacks first, because I know before I start it that it won't be "A+ material".  C's get degrees, right?
8. Auchlocaustrophobia = fear of closets - not always meaning the figurative one that I came out of (closets are scary and I'm never going back!), but also just the regular kind you hang clothes in.  I think this is fear that has been with me since childhood.  If there is an open closet door somewhere in the room, especially at night time, I will get very very anxious.  Sleep will not occur until they are all closed.
9. Lygophobia = fear of being in a dark place - I am currently 24 years old and I still sleep with a teddy bear, and I will still find any excuse to fall asleep with some light on.  It was not an uncommon thing, during high school, for me to fall asleep with the light on in my room and my parents would turn it off later.  Since college that turn into getting to sleep before my roommate and making her turn the lights off when she comes to bed.  I have also purposely slept in the living room so the TV could be on, fallen asleep reading to have an excuse to have a lamp on, and unashamedly used a penguin-shaped nightlight.  This fear is usually greatly lessened when I am with someone, because they will either protect me from the scary darkness, or distract it long enough for me to get away.
   Also known as:  Nyctophobia - fear of the night
                            Achluophobia - fear of the dark
                            Scotophobia - fear of darkness
10. Trypanophobia = fear of medical procedures involving injections or hypodermic needles - they once had to strap me in a straight jaket on a plank of wood with ropes so I would hold still long enough to get the Novocaine so they could fill in a cavity.
    Also known as:  Aichmophobia - fear of sharp points
                             Belonephobia - fear of sharply pointed objects
                             Enetophobia - fear of pins and needles
11. Arachnophobia = fear of spiders - this is a crazy legit fear for me.  I have had reactions that range from full-on panic attacks and uncontrollably crying for hours after seeing a spider, all the way to wetting my pants and fainting.  I once saw a spider in my room that crawled away before I could get a shoe and my parents came home to find everything I owned thrown into the hallway and me sitting in an empty room rocking back and forth.  I never found the spider, and didn't sleep for several days after that.  Over a long time, and out of a basic need for survival, I have been able to train myself to react quickly and kill the evil mother f***ers, and then let myself freak out.  As long as it was still smaller than a penny.  I have been known to call a friend to make them come over and kill one for me.

To my friends:  Thanks for putting up with me and all my weird fears.


Things I think BYU students are afraid of:

• Pogonophobia = beards
• Anuptaphobia = staying single
• Doxophobia = expressing opinions
• Hereiophobia = challenging, or deviating from, accepted doctrine
• Phronemophobia = thinking

Fears I found funny:

• Dikephobia = Justice 
• Barophobia = Gravity
• Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia = Long words
• Lipophobia = Fats in food
• Nomophobia = Being out of mobile phone contact
• Omphalophobia = Belly buttons
• Panphobia = Everything
• Papaphobia = The Pope
• Phobophobia = Having a phobia
• Aibohphobia = Palindromes
• Anachrophobia = Temporal displacement (for those Doctor Who fans out there)
• Anatidaephobia = Somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you

My "At One Ment"

I gave a talk in church today.  Thought I would share.  I was only allowed to record the audio.  The beginning is just me being me, so I felt it would be a little inauthentic to leave it out.  If you wanna get right to the talk skip to 0:51 seconds.  I hope you enjoy.

~Bridey J.

My Mission?

I'm not sure how many people know this about me, but I once put in my papers to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I told everyone, because it was my plan. I honestly, and deeply, felt like it was what I needed to do. And when I say that I felt that way I don't mean "I felt pressured to go because it's what a good little Mormon girl is supposed to do" or even "I felt that since I was 21 already and not married that the only option left for me was to go on a mission"... I mean that I actually had many moments where I knew without a doubt that serving a mission was not only what I wanted to do, but it was what God wanted for me as well.

Well, extremely long story short...I didn't get to go.  By that time I was too far gone into my depression and wasn't able to serve.  I don't remember really reacting to the news, at the time.  I already knew before the letter came that they would tell me "no".  No matter what that paper said, I had told myself they just didn't want me because I am gay.  What I saw as my last shot at redemption was now gone because of this unyielding "disease" I just couldn't seem to fight.  All desire to go on a mission (at least the way it had been) left me that day.

I ended up coming back to BYU, as evident by the fact that I'm here now.  If I'm being honest, I'm not quite sure what made me come back.  BYU had always been part of my plan, but part of that plan had been to serve a mission and come back and get married and have a family.  Now I wasn't sure what the plan was, so I thought I should hold on to the parts I had left.

By the first month of school I had found USGA.  I started forming a new plan.  The rest, as they say, is history.


Update: April 6, 2012
My aunt called me today and left a message on my phone.  She was in the middle of shopping when she just started thinking of me and then just got the clear-as-day thought that "Bridey has been able to serve a mission.  Just not the regular one."  She called me the day I spoke in the campus wide panel discussion.  Actually while I was speaking.  I didn't find her voice mail until today though.

I have been able to do a lot of good here on campus, with the USGA and the other friends I have made because I came back to school at this time.  Maybe this is where I needed to be all along.


Update: October 6, 2012
Well as anyone who was even remotely paying attention to the little Mormon corner of the world today knows that the church announced that they lowered the age at which a young man or woman can serve a mission for the Church.

The age for boys: 19 --> 18
The age for girls: 21 --> 19

Well, everyone's first thought was how this is totally gonna throw things off at BYU for a while. As seen by this picture, here. -->

My thoughts were all over the place.  The one that dominated was "if this change had happened five years ago, when I was nineteen, things would have been so different...I might have gotten to serve..."  It took a while for me to remember that I was in a pretty messed up place (mentally and emotionally) when I was nineteen too.  I think I would have gone on a mission only because I had not yet faced all the issues I had with myself yet, and at that time I still believed that a mission would fix a lot of them.  Would it really have made life so much better?  I wonder if it would have made facing myself eventually that much harder.  Would I have become the same me I am today?  I don't know.  I don't think it would have been a worse path, only a different one.

Well, I talked to my dad about it and he said that same thing my aunt did six months ago, more or less.  So have many friends.  I'm pretty sure they didn't talk to each other and coordinate an answer. Maybe this is my mission.  To do as much good as I can, where I am.

~Bridey J.

Oo-koo-lay-lay

I have a Ukulele.  Her name is Bellatrix.  I bought her at a time when I was very depressed and I decided that giving myself something to do just for me would help.  I'm not the best, but I love to play. I already have a wide variety of music in my ever growing repertoire.  Please feel to browse my songs, and/or make requests.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World -- IZ
I'm Yours -- Jason Mraz
Melancholy Astronautic Man -- Allie Moss
When You Say Nothing at All -- Alison Krauss
Jar of Hearts -- Christina Perri
Island in the Sun -- Weezer
The Middle -- Jimmy Eat World
Superman (It's Not Easy) -- Five For Fighting
Maybe Katie -- Bare Naked Ladies
A Thousand Years -- Christina Perri
Born This Way -- Lady Gaga

Wandering

Yesterday I went walking through Barnes and Noble. I was in desperate need of a book I could just get lost in.  Going in there and expecting to walk out with only one book is like jumping into a pool and expecting to not end up wet. I'm not saying it's impossible, I'm only saying I've tried it a million times and it hasn't happened yet. I accept the fact that I will never not buy something when I visit, so I've tried to limit myself to a certain dollar amount and that seems to work...most of the time.

I walk through the isles staring at all the titles on all the covers that I will never look past.  Occasionally one might catch my eye, but if the blurb doesn't sell me then it doesn't make the cut, and back on the shelf it goes. Not to be caught judging a book by it's cover, but I'm on a budget.  Familiar authors and titles are scattered among those I have never seen before.  I have to touch each cover, as if the paper feel of it will help me find the chosen few that will come home with me.  I honestly wish I could take them all with me, even the ones I know aren't that good, and trust me when I say those do exist.  I just want to get lost in someone else's head for a small while.  I want to see the world through a fresh pair of eyes, even if those eyes have only seen in someone else's imagination. I want to be living a new life and go on some unheard of adventure, even if it's only for a few hours.  I want to get to know these people who will never actually be, and at the same time they will live much longer than I ever could. I want to...no, I need to feel emotions that stem from someone else's universe, because my own emotional entropy can't be conveniently placed back on a shelf when I need to deal with my life.  It is my minds eye, with the help of these words, that can form everything from spaceships to relationships, all that hang in the balance every time I turn a page.

Every hour spent wandering is worth even the few minutes of escape I know it will grant me.

~Bridey J.

Pride

This was my first time going to a pride festival.  My over all assessment is that it's a lot like the Medieval Fair that happens every year in Norman, OK.  "How so?" you might ask.  I will tell you.

There are three distinct groups of people that attend.

1. Those that finally get a time to be themselves and not be stared at.  They dress in all manor of outrageous, colorful, and sometimes shocking clothes (if any at all) that tell the world "today you see on the outside who I am on the inside every other day".
2. Those that use this opportunity to dress like the #1  people for the sole reason of "because we can".
3. Those that are there mostly for the food, the attractions, and to buy stuff.

Now I have absolutely no problem with people dressing up and celebrating something.  It's never bothered me when my guy friends would wear their kilts to school the week of the Med Fair (unless they went commando on a windy day). But it really gets under my skin that so many people come to pride dressed up in drag and in over-sexualized versions of what society seems to think the "gay lifestyle" is. Now don't misunderstand me. If that's who you really are, and this is your way of celebrating you, then by all means be loud and proud.  But I always thought the point of Pride was to show people that you are proud of exactly who you are. If you don't dress or act like that the other 363 days of the year, why would you do that on the two days that are all about celebrating you?  I just don't understand.  I'm very sure that Salt Lake City is quite tame compared to New York, Seattle or even San Francisco.

That being said, I would like to say that this year I was able to celebrate who I am.  I had the incredible opportunity to be part of a group of us that received the Utah Pride Courage Award on behalf of the USGA members that worked to make the "It Get's Better" video.  This year's grand marshal, the ridiculously beautiful Dustin Lance Black, presented the award to us. This meant so much to me because he's not only a Hollywood celebrity, but he is also an openly gay Mormon himself (not to mention a small town Texas boy).

Grand Marshal Dustin Lance Black leading the parade.

The next day I participated in the very first group of Mormons marching in a pride parade. Under the name "Mormon Building Bridges" over 300 LDS members came out, dressed in their Sunday best, to show the LGBT community that they have allies where they never thought they would. We were originally somewhere toward the back of the parade, but DLB insisted that we were up front with him. 

Mormons Building Bridges (I'm on the front right)

There were people, both in the group and in the crowd, that were just bawling. So many people never thought they would ever see a day when these two seemingly mutually exclusive worlds would come together like this.  The amount of love that was present there was unbelievable. It was almost overwhelming at moments.  I saw members marching with their little children and holding signs that said "Jesus said love Everyone" and "I'll walk with you, I'll talk with you" from the primary song written by Carol Lynn Pearson for her gay husband.  I also looked out into the crowd and saw all these spectators cheering and screaming for us. It meant something to them that there were people that were willing to stand up and tell them "I love you because of who you are, not in spite of it". They were so accepting. I'm talking about both sides.  That morning there was no longer an "us" and "them".  There was only "we".  It gave me hope about my own future.

This is who I am.  I am a Lesbian.  I am a Mormon.  This year I got to show people I am proud of that.

~Bridey J

Journey

I've been AWOL this last month, trying to recover from the high that came after the panel and the video and the equally intense nothingness that came in the weeks afterwards.  I'm sure there's all five or so of you that might check my blog fairly regularly and to you I apologize for my absence.  To the rest of you...suck it up, I'm allowed to take a vacation.  I still have about a million posts I've half written, started and never finished, that I'm planning on finishing soon.  So just keep your pants on.

My dad told me before I started this blog to be careful.  It doesn't take a lot of brain power to go on the internet and complain about stuff.  I hope to inspire and uplift my readers.  Sometimes I'm not sure I can do that, but I will try my best to leave you with something to think about.  I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, most of which feel very heavy and deep.  Many of these things I have thought through many times and I thought them to be resolved within me.  But as a very wise, bearded friend recently shared with me, peace is a journey, not a destination.

This last weekend I went down to St. George, UT with some friends.  Usually when I go hang out down there I spend Sundays watching the Game Show Network in my condo while eating cheese-its and taking advantage of the opportunity to just do nothing.  However, I've been doing a lot of nothing lately, so at the request of my amigos we went to an early morning sacrament service at the nearby Mormon congregation.  I have been somewhat avoiding church lately.  It feels different and it's like I'm the only one who notices.  I could go into some "square peg/round hole" analogy, but it's not that at all.  For so long I was focused on this idea that once I resolved the struggles and issues I had with my sexuality things would go back to the way they were and I would stop feeling so distant from the peace and acceptance I was promised the gospel would bring to my life.  But just like Schrodinger discovered, you can't unknow the cat is dead.  The things I have lived through have shaped me different.  It's not just that I feel like I don't fit in, the truth is I know I don't fit anymore.  

My whole life I've been told that there is a path that is narrow and hard, but it's also the way to eternal happiness.  Now I find that I'm not on the path I thought I was at all.  I go to church and can clearly see that the life that lay in front of me is so different from the one everyone else will travel.  Not just being gay, but everything is different.  The answers they give in Sunday school seem empty for me.  Even messages about families and the temple cut deep into my heart.  It all means something else now.  Words that used to easily bring comfort now just leave a feeling of indifference. I am on the road less traveled by, but I don't recall a diverging fork anywhere.  I don't know if this road has the same destination, and that scares me every day.  Even though I have accepted myself, that doesn't mean I am at peace.

I often forget that my journey is far from over.  The destination, whatever it may be, is miles in the distance.  I may find peace many more times, and just as many times it might be taken from me.  I need to trust that this is not what the next sixty years will feel like.  I need to have faith that there is something to hope for.  I sometimes wonder if my choices are between an empty life and a hollow eternity.  If I choose what makes me happy today, will the promise of eternal joy still be mine?  Each day I get out of bed is a choice to believe there is something more waiting for me in the next sunrise.  I have to believe that, or I don't think I'll have the strength to continue.

~Bridey J.

It's Been A While

First I would like to apologize to what ever readers I actually have out there.  I have about six or seven posts I've started and then decided I would finish it at a later time and then never came back.  I've been dealing with who knows how many people these last few weeks because of the panel we had on campus, and then the seemingly-perfectly-timed-and-planned-but-in-reality-not-really-planned-at-all release of the group's "It Get's Better" video (I already posted it somewhere on here), and all the press from that.  My name is now in I can't even begin to count number of newspapers, magazines, blog posts, and other internet things.  Weirdly enough, my biggest concern is that someone will hear my name and like it and give it to their child and then I won't be the only one, because I like my name and I really like being the only one.  On top of all that crazy stuff happening, I had finals.  My dad might murder me a little (or a lot) if I admit that all this Gay stuff might have had a negative effect on my final grades, because it really stressed me out and left me with not a lot of time to study in the end...so let's keep that between you and me.

I have talked to so many people, and have ignored so many more.  At first they were all asking "Why did you do it?" and "Who the hell are you?" and now all they're asking is "What's your real agenda? Why are being so vague? Does it really get better?" and crazy stuff like that.  I'm being analyzed and attacked from both sides and to those people I say...you may have listened, but you didn't really hear a single word we said...and I hate you all because you stress me out.

I feel like I have a lot to say, but when I think about it I get full of emotions.  I have this problem where no matter what I feel, be it happy, sad, angry, afraid, or sleepy, if I feel a lot of it then I will cry.  This is not a voluntary response, I assure you. Cut my hand off while juggling chainsaws...cry.  Feel like no one is really listening...cry.  Reading the chapter when Dumbledore dies...cry.  Can't find matching socks...cry.  Shout out to my great grandma Elfie, for passing on the crazy gene.  My point is that I will be moving forward and trying not to dwell on all the crazy things that have gone down and are sure to come.  I'm in a new place, and I might be getting an amazing job, and recently I've been spending my time with some extraordinary people.  Here's to the future the begins right now.

~Bridey J

It Gets Better

Wednesday night I was on a panel with some of my friends who are gay and out and help me run USGA. My friend Brandon and I have been doing this for the last two years (ish), but it's always been in individual classes. This week I came out to way more than the 600 students that were in attendance at this panel. I'm gonna talk about how I felt, not word for word what happened. If you want that please click here.

It was absolutely exhilarating! At one point Adam and I answered a question about our future and ha talked about how one day he hopes that he and his husband and his children will be coming to church as a family. He got a round of applause! At the end I bore my testimony about the love that I know that God has for every single person in that room and the love and acceptance I know he has for me as a lesbian that will end up with another woman. I got a standing ovation and I started to bawl my face off. It was so amazing!

If you want to continue the message I started please watch this video and then pass it on.

Bridey J.

My Story

I found myself on Youtube the other day. I know it might seem a bit lazy to post this instead of writing something, but not failing school comes first. Instead you should enjoy my pretty face talking to you for ten minutes :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKvTQk6mmTQ

Authenticity

I few weeks ago in USGA we had some people come and talk to us about their experience being in a mixed orientation marriage (one spouse is straight and the other is gay/lesbian). I know a lot of people in the gay community don't like this at all. They hate that members of the church expect gay people to enter into a mixed orientation marriage. That's not church policy, but it's what it feels like sometimes.

I have a friend who speaks to BYU classes with me. His name is Mark. He's a gay man whose experience was very different than what a lot of gay people go through. He never doubted God's love, or where he fit in the church. That is extremely atypical, and he is an extremely atypical person. He ended up marrying a woman and it seems perfectly right for him. He understands that this is not the path for everyone. He tries to remind people (especially the classes we speak to) that he is the exception, not the rule. He also emphasizes that he's still gay. Getting married did not "cure" him. In all the time I have known him and his wife I have never doubted that those two are meant for each other. I have also never thought that he was lying about his homosexuality. I really feel that he is being true and honest with himself, being an openly gay man happily married to this woman.

Recently in my life I have been made aware of an extreme anti-gay group here in Utah. Their platform centers around the idea that their son was "cured" of his homosexuality and that every other homosexual can be too. I don't want to dive into that much because that would distract from my point. When faced with the idea of a gay man or woman being fixed, most people would say "you can't fix was isn't broken". While I may not understand all of the "why's?" that come with it, I will never think that anyone is less of a human being because they are not a perfect Kinsey 0. Similarly, if this boy was struggling with any homosexual feelings he might have had and was able to find peace through somehow making them stop, then I am happy for him. But just like in my friend Mark's situation, he is an exception, NOT a rule. I truly hope with all my heart that no matter what this man went through, and is going through even now, he remains honest with himself.

I am striving daily to be honest with myself. The first step was admitting to myself nine years ago that I had feelings for girls, and not boys. Now it's admitting that as much as I seem to be okay with who I am, some part of me is still not (but I'm slowly getting there). I honestly don't know what my future holds (and I'm only 23 so I don't need to have the next 70 years planned out just yet), but chances are good that it will not be a mixed-orientation marriage. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that when I think about my future I think about sharing it with a woman, because that's what I want. I would also be lying if I told you that wanting that doesn't scare me a little sometimes. I just pray that what ever happens in my life I am able to remain me.

~Bridey J.

Spreading the Love

I found this today on the Youtube. It gives me some hope, that the things I'm doing do not go unnoticed and the things I'm saying do not fall on (metaphorically) deaf ears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=I7WpPyJXI_k

Family

I'm taking a short break from studying so this will be a relatively short post. My good friend Nick recently came out to the whole school in an article in a student-run newspaper. While most of the school has actually been very accepting of his coming out, and the testimony he has of what he believes God wants his path to be, his family has not been so accepting. This post is not to talk about Nick's family, although I do pray with all my heart that they will find some sort of understanding towards and love for this amazing young man that I have been blessed enough to have in my life. This post is to my family, both the ones I picked and the ones I did not.

My Parents:

Since before I can remember my parents have been instilling in me the knowledge that they love me. They have supported me in everything I have ever done, and never missed an opportunity to tell me how special I am. Furthermore they have taught me, and my brothers, to have this same love and compassion for others.

When I came out to them there was no hugging or instant acceptance of this part of me. I didn't mind, because it took me years to accept myself. Unlike me, however, they never rejected it or denied it. Their biggest concern was that as parents they wouldn't be able to protect me from the hard things that being gay would bring to my life. They saw first hand the depression and the self hatred that this brought me to. They have become my biggest supporters, not just in LGBT issues, but my life in general. I love them so much.

My Brothers:

I have NEVER felt more like myself then when I'm with my brothers. They know me better than anyone else. I don't think there has been anyone that I've fought with as much either, but the good times out weigh the bad by tons. I have always felt like they fuel a desire in myself to be better and do more. At the same time I never felt any pressure from them to be anything but myself.

When I came out my brothers they surprised me by how much of a non-issue it was between us. As far as I know there was never a moment where they thought of me any differently. My younger brother even wrote a letter apologizing for not being emotionally available enough while we were in high school for me to be honest with him then.

I know what ever happens I will always have my family. They are and always will be my strongest, most constant support. I know many don't have familial support like this, especially after coming out. I hope that USGA can be a type of family for them, but I know that it might not be the same. I recognize how amazing it is that not just my immediate family, but also my extended family, have embraced this part of who I am. I hope I will never forget to thank God for my family.

~Bridey J.

Moments of Impact

I'm so sorry for such a long time between posts.  School has got me finding probability density functions and regression equations from the moment I get up to when I finally crash somewhere in the wee hours of the morning.  Things are slowing down a bit so I'll start writing more regularly again.

I recently went and saw the movie The Vow staring Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams. It's about a married couple that are deeply in love. They get in a car wreck and she flies through the windshield and she looses her memory up to before the time that she met him. She wakes up and has no idea who he is (I promise that this is nothing you couldn't figure out from watching the trailer, so I haven't spoiled anything).  The thing I found interesting was not only could she not remember who her husband was but she couldn't believe that she had become the person he had fallen in love with.  She couldn't understand why she had made the choices she did, how she ended up where she was, or even why she had become a vegetarian.

She was still the same person, but it was like she had gone back in time.  It was more than just missing memories, it was missing life.  Every day is filled with moments where choices are made.  Most of the time it seems that these are mundane, where one hour just runs into the next and you could "copy-paste" the week from the one before.  But the truth is it's those moments that make up who we are, no matter how unimportant they may seem.  You have a personality, which can be seen since the time you're born, that may dictate how you react to a situation.  However, every experience we live through, every choice we make, is added to the make up of who we are.  It becomes part of the driving force in our life that makes decisions.  It becomes part of the way we think and the things we want and the people we keep around us.

I've often heard the question posed "If you could take a pill that would make you straight, would you?"  My answer now, and forever more, will be no.  The things I've been through, including all the depression and stuff from having to deal with being gay, make me who I am.  I look at the world the way I do because of what I've been through.  If I were straight I wouldn't have had lived through all the same moments.  I wouldn't have the same relationship with my God the way I do.  I wouldn't have gotten to meet so many wonderful people.  I wouldn't have the same deep understanding of love and compassion that I've found on my journey.  There may have been some times where I didn't like that moment I was living through, but I wouldn't change any of them for the world.

~Bridey J.

True Obedience

Found this quote. I think it sums up my feelings.

"We have heard men who hold the priesthood remark that they would do anything they were told to do by those who preside over them -- even if they knew it was wrong. But such obedience as this is worse than folly to us. It is slavery in the extreme. The man who would thus willingly degrade himself should not claim a rank among intelligent beings until he turns from his folly. A man of God would despise this idea. Others, in the extreme exercise of their almighty authority have taught that such obedience was necessary, and that no matter what the Saints were told to do by their presidents, they should do it without any questions. When Elders of Israel will so far indulge in these extreme notions of obedience as to teach them to the people, it is generally because they have it in their hearts to do wrong themselves."

-- Joseph Smith, Jr.

(citation->The Millennial Star, volume 14, number 38, pages 593-595)

Canon Fire

I was having an interesting conversation with a friend of mine on Thursday. The LDS church believes in something called an open canon, meaning that through revelation and such things can be added to the bible. This is the reason the Book of Mormon and other scripture are not considered blasphemous. This idea also includes the believe of continuous revelation from God, as quoted by the ninth Article of Faith (LDS scripture)...

We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.

I think many forget that this means that things can change. So often do I hear people talking as if the LDS church has a monopoly on the truth. What's worse than the idea that we have the only truth out there, is the idea that we already have all there ever will be. "But Bridey," you might say, "didn't you just say that Mormons believe there is still more new revelation to come?" Why yes I did, you astute reader you. The thing is that most member's understanding of this extends to "in general conference the prophet said we need to read our scriptures more", or "well we already have the Doctrine and Covenants, and that's modern-day revelation".

On October 6th, 1890, Wilford Woodruff officially stopped the practice of polygamy, which had been considered a sacred but common practice before that. 50 years ago if you said you thought one day a black kid would be able to pass you the sacrament you would have been considered an apostate. Yet on June 8th, 1978, Spencer Kimball declared that all worthy males could hold the priesthood, where before blacks had been called "fence-sitters" in the war in heaven and all sorts of things by the general authorities themselves. Within the last decade or two it was discouraged to interracially marry, but now no one believes that any more. So if we believe that these changes were true revelation then we in turn must believe that there may be more to come. If there is more to come then we do not have it all now. We say we believe it, but why are we not so ready and willing to admit there are things we don't know yet.

I've heard many friends tell me that if the church changes it's views about homosexuals and gay marriage that they just don't think they could be part of the church anymore. That's awfully hypocritical of them to demand that I follow the words of the prophet without wavering (even if I don't agree with them completely), but the moment words from that same man would ask them to question their own faith they would be allowed to leave.

What people don't understand is that if they say they believe in an open canon then they are saying things could change more in the future. If you believe in revelation to come then for all we know one day gays might marry in the temple, or women could hold the priesthood. Now before anyone jumps down my throat, let me say that I am not saying these things will happen. I'm saying that things that we might now see as impossible or blasphemous may one day be doctrine. The point is that we don't know, but we need to realize that whether or not we believe it will happen, doesn't change the fact that we believe it could happen.

People need to start knowing what they actually believe.

~Bridey J.

Missing the Mark

Some times I really wonder if people in the LDS Church know the doctrine they claim to preach and live. I'm not saying they are fakes, but I feel they look beyond the mark way too often. I've sat through way too many church meetings where Christ wasn't even mentioned once. Stake conference this weekend was about nothing but dating and marriage. I was always taught that the point of church was to take the sacrament and to learn about Jesus. Well...they still pass the sacrament, but I don't find much else sometimes.

I wears me down that the place I'm supposed to go to worship isn't lifting me up. I'm not trying to bash the church in any way. I've just seen it too many times where the focus is in all the wrong places. We spend so much time trying to emphasize the little things that make the LDS church different that we forget the real Christian message. In Sunday-school people try to sound so deep so as come off as so spiritual...but we lose sight of the simplicity of the gospel.

Christ was an example. We need to learn of Him to be like Him. He taught of love...the truly unconditional kind. The point of church is to come closer to Christ, and the point of every class or quorum is to serve and become like Christ.

How long until we stop looking beyond the mark?

~Bridey J.

This I Believe - Guest Post

This is something my friend Nick wrote:

I remember the diagnosis. I kept a brave face for the doctors and for my parents. But once I got into the car my world came crashing down. I was stretched so thin already. I had been fighting a silent inner battle for months, a battle that it seemed God had been completely absent for.

Though I had never chosen it, I was gay, and despite my best efforts it wasn’t changing. God wasn't removing it from me. It seemed that countless tearful prayers, scripture study, a wholehearted mission, and a determination of steel weren’t enough for him. My God, who had been ever-present throughout my youth and my missionary service had suddenly gone silent. And of all times it was when I needed him most! Now, when I was trying to undo the most horrible part of myself, that part that made me an abomination in his eyes, he had chosen not to help.

I couldn’t understand what I wasn’t doing, what wasn’t enough. Couldn’t he sense how deeply I wanted to do his will? How desperately I wanted to be worthy of his love? I ached to feel something from him, to get any word or prompting over this issue, but every prayer had been met with absolute silence.

And now I had cancer. At 21 years old, I was a cancer victim. I felt as if the tumor inside me was a physical marking of how much God detested me. I had been betrayed by the one person I had tried to give everything to.

At this point my faith completely shattered. I was deeply hurt and incredibly angry. I vowed that once I left BYU I would never step foot in an LDS chapel again. I was done. I had done all I could to show my devotion to God, and he was clearly showing me how he felt about me.

After the tumor was removed I was declared cancer free, but the scars inside me still ached. As I began to accept and explore my new gay identity I felt both liberation and pain. Finally, I was free to be what I felt I truly was, but something still wasn’t right. After two months I realized what was wrong. Despite the betrayal I felt, I still wanted God in my life. I still needed him. But I was gay, and it was clear that wasn’t going to change. How could I be gay and still have a relationship with God?

I began to pray again. I prayed to know what God would have me do, but the only thing I ever got in response was “Nicholas, I love you.” I prayed to be led where God wanted me to be, because I didn’t even know what I wanted. But if he wanted me somewhere, it must be good enough. So I prayed and trusted his guidance.

I began to search for answers. It became clear very quickly that the church’s only stance was “keep the law of chastity.” That was good counsel, but what was my life supposed to be for the next 60 years? What was I supposed to do?

I searched the scriptures. I found that the only reference to homosexuality was six verses in the bible. I read those verses, and I read as many different interpretations of those verses as I could find. In the end, there was no clear answer. Eventually, every time I went back to the scriptures the words of Joseph Smith came to my mind: “…the teachers of religion of the different sects understood the same passages of scripture so differently as to destroy all confidence in settling the question by an appeal to the Bible.” There was no answer here. What I was left with, then, was the same option Joseph had: “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”

I’ll admit, at first as I sought God’s will on this issue I didn’t really want to know the answer. If the answer was that I should abandon any dreams of a fulfilling relationship with a guy then I had to give up a very intimate part of my soul. But if the answer was that God was okay with my orientation and that he was okay with me being in a same-sex relationship, then I was losing my place in the church I loved with all my heart. Once again, I could only pray to be led where God wanted me to be.

It took time for me to trust him enough to truly ask. And the answers came gradually. First came the revelation that regardless of what others thought, even leaders of the church, they did not know me or my heart. Only God knew my heart, and I was to listen to him and him alone. Next came the understanding that my orientation was not a mistake, not a flaw or a disease. Rather, God opened to my understanding the beauty and the godliness in my desires for love and companionship. He showed me the glory in the love I yearned to feel with all my heart. And gradually I began to see his fingerprints on this part of myself.

Along with this came the understanding that to enter into a relationship with a young woman, when I could never truly care for her as she needed, would be deceptive and wrong. It would be a sin against her, and against me.

As I have accepted this part of myself and learned to see the beauty in it I have gained a peace and a wholeness I didn’t think possible. My orientation is a part of me, a part of my very soul, and as I have accepted it I have been able to approach God in prayer with a sincerity I have never felt before. When I pray, God not only listens, he sits with me, he communes with me, he speaks with me. I have felt the deep purpose of who I am, and I marvel at the magnificence of his grand design. I have found a joy that is so great that at times I cannot contain the smile that comes to my lips.

By accepting my orientation I have not lost my spirituality. Through acceptance and celebration of my sexuality I have come to know God. He is as familiar as a friend to me. I would never wish away my sexuality, for it has brought me to the throne of God as a whole and complete spiritual being.

I do not know where the road of my life will take me. I am not naïve enough to make such sweeping declarations. I do not believe that I will pass this life companionless. But I know that as long as I am close and listening, God will lead me where I need to be. Sometimes, when I doubt the peace I feel over being gay, the words of Isaiah come to me. After telling us that we shall be led by the Savior through our afflictions, there is this promise: “And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it.” Everything in my soul tells me this is the way, and though it is new territory, I know I do not walk alone. And that’s enough for me.

Let the Consequence Follow

I attended the Utah County PFLAG meeting a few nights ago and I talked a bit about what we were doing at the Y. People asked the same two questions as always..."the administration allows it?" and "do people get in trouble for going?". If I'm being honest with the world, which I feel I need to be on here, I've always wanted to answer those questions with "Does it matter?". I know a lot of people look at us and say we're changing things, and that we're leaders in this big political/religious movement, but it's never been about that for me. The reason USGA is there is for the people that come. I've said it before and I'll say it again...this school needs USGA. I've heard countless stories about how much of a difference it has made for people, just to be able to come and be completely and honestly themselves for two hours a week, and not do it alone. I really have no political agenda, or religious agenda, or even a gay agenda for that matter. I come every week and I continue to make a place for the people. I don't care who disagrees with me, even if that is the very administration of the institution I go to, or the leaders of the church I belong to.

In church I learned the hymn Do What is Right. My favorite verse is #3, but the thing I want to pull here is the chorus. It says "Do what is right, let the consequence follow...God will protect you; then do what is right". I feel like not a lot of people really live up to this, even though we talk about it all the time. "So-and-so was not afraid to bear her testimony"..."what's-his-name refused to work on Sundays"...blah blah blah. What about standing up for your fellow human being and not caring what others think? What about loving your neighbor UNCONDITIONALLY! That means love that is not limited or restricted, does not impose or depend on anything else, or is not determined or influenced by someone or something else. It is complete and absolute. It is the love Christ has for each of us. Anything less than that is not true unconditional love.

I don't care if what I am doing with USGA gets me in trouble with the BYU administration. I don't really care what happens to me. USGA is not about me. It's about everyone who comes. It's about building a safe place to feel Christ's love. It's about paying that love forward to your brothers and sisters no matter what they are going through. It's about coming and hearing these people essentially bearing their testimonies of the true love they have felt from Heavenly Father, knowing that He loves them as a gay person, and that He approves of the path they have chosen. I feel the spirit more often in USGA than I do in church anymore.

I have heard lots of people, from my fellow students all the way up to people in the administration itself, say that they think it's great what I'm trying to do here, yet that's as far as it goes. They refuse to talk about it, or step forward and support it. You have no idea how many times I've heard from people that "their hands are tied". It just hurts to see these people who claim to be Christians and act with the love of Christ sit there and not have enough faith to do what they feel is right and stand up for what they say they believe. I know that this is where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing. I will do what I know to be true and will let the consequences follow. I know that I have God on my side and that He loves me, so what else should I fear.

~Bridey J.

I Live For Thursdays

So I'm not sure if anyone could tell by my writing or not, but I only live Friday though Wednesday just so I can get to Thursdays. This is not to say that the rest of the week is just not worth living, but USGA is where I feel alive. I love walking in and seeing the room filled to the edge people. I know I don't interact much (the burden of an introvert), and most people just see me as the person in charge, but I feel like it's my family. This is what I was looking for since I came to BYU, and now I'm the reason it's still around. It's where I feel happy, and at peace. It's where I get my extra boost for the week. I often think it's the way I was taught I should feel when I go to church, but I don't think people would like it if I said "I know the homos are true". I have watched it grow since almost the beginning, and there are so many new faces and so many people supporting us that can't make it on Thursdays. It's amazing all the lives I know we touch.

I hear other say they feel this way too. I know that some people plan their whole class and work schedules around Thursday nights. I've often wanted to ask everyone to write a little something about what USGA means to them and then make it a book. Maybe that can be our next class project. ;)

~Bridey J

Hey Listen

I feel like I want to write, but I don't know what to say. I feel like I have so much inside of me that I want to get out before I explode. My friend Braidan says I should just write and let it come out and worry about making sense later. But I can also hear my dad's voice in the back of mind warning me not to complain. It's not that I'm not allowed to complain, but it really doesn't take a lot of effort to get online and start complaining to the anonymous world you never really have to face. If I'm going to give myself a voice I want it to be strong, and worth listening to. I want to be heard.

My whole life I've felt like I've never really been heard. It always seemed like time after time I didn't even have control over my own life. I somehow couldn't understand how to play the game. Kids used to pick on me when I was younger. I tried telling teachers, but no one listened. This one girl was especially mean calling me names every single day, so I finally did something. I got her unlisted phone number from one of her friends and told her that if she didn't stop I would have my parents call her parents and tell them what she's been doing. She started to cry and make this big scene and the teachers came over and in the end I was the one who got in trouble because I made her cry. No one even cared that she was the one making me cry every day.

This last semester here at the BYU I had roommates who treated me like I was nothing. They passive aggressively (and sometimes not so passively) made me feel ashamed of who I was for no other reason than they didn't like it. They told me I was against what they believed and that it was my fault that they were angry. I would sit in my bed all day thinking of how I could fix this and the only thing I could think of was to not be gay anymore. I had tried all that before, so I know the only way to do that would be to not live any more. I went to the administration and told them how bad it was, but all I heard was that these girls had a right to hate me because I refused to change.

Listen, I don't know who's reading this. I don't know if you found this because we're friends on Facebook, or you know me from USGA. For all I know you accidentally clicked the wrong link and have no clue where you are. I remember searching all over the internet for hours at a time for anybody out there who might understand the hell I was going through. I was desperately looking for someone who would give me a voice, because mine has been stomped out over and over again. Now I'm screaming at the top of my lungs...but is anybody listening?

~Bridey J

Tender Mercies

Last night my friends and I went out for some late night ice cream. Seriously, out of nowhere, this girl comes up to me and asks "are you Bridey Jensen". I was very confused, but answered in the affirmative, as it is the truth. She told me that she was in one of the classes that I went and spoke to, about being lesbian and Mormon at BYU. She said she has a friend up here (meaning BYU) who is gay and just needs something else. She wanted to come to USGA so I gladly gave her the info. At this point she got a little choked up and thanked us over and over for the things we were doing (meaning talking to classes and USGA and such). She said she knows a lot of people who need what we're doing, and that whether we know it or not we are saving lives.

There are times where I wonder if what I'm doing makes a difference at all. Then things like this happen and it makes me so happy. Thank you, kind stranger, for reminding me that the things I do matter to someone.

~Bridey J

Caught in the Middle

For my entire life I have always been part of two worlds. Since I can remember I have always been deaf. I never knew it was different until I was four years old, when I yelled at my dad for not knowing. He was whispering something in my left ear and I was mad because I thought he was doing it on purpose to bother me. That was the moment I realized I was different. After many audio tests, MRI's, and probably twice as much sedative as most small children ever need (I had lots of energy) the doctors told me and my parents that they didn't know why I was deaf and that they couldn't do anything to help me hear more. That was the moment I realized I would always be different.

Thanks to a mom who had a masters degree in speech pathology and a dad who read books to me every night, I could speak and read just like anyone else by the time I started school. However, I'm not sure if this was enough for the rest of the world. There was a kid in my kindergarten class that I called "Cow", and it wasn't until years later that I finally realized his name must have been "Kyle". Teachers refused to believe me when I told them I was deaf, because I spoke so well and I was so smart (because many people still find deaf and dumb synonymous) so I hardly ever got classroom accommodations. They would always ask "well where's your hearing aids?". I'm certain these teachers would also not believe you were blind until you put on sunglasses. I later found out from friends that other kids would say some really mean stuff right next to me because they knew I couldn't hear them doing it. Even when I was with my friends I felt isolated, stringing together whole conversations on the few words I could catch.

Now after almost 24 years of lip reading, learning body language, and asking "what?" more than all the jeopardy contestants ever...combined, I'm considered quite "well adjusted". You would never know it by looking at me or hearing me speak. Even close friends who have known me for years are quite surprised when I tell them. I've learned to adapt. I bought special headphones, and always turn on closed captioning. I even went as far as getting a titanium hearing appliance surgically implanted in my head so I can filter back round noise and locate where sound comes from. Now I set off all the airport metal detectors. I'm not in any way miserable because of this part of my life, but not a day goes by without me wishing I could hear. It's the little things, really. Like if I ask "what" too many times most people say "never mind" and I never find out, and things that are quickly whispered I know are gone forever, and it's really embarrassing to suddenly notice someone has been talking to you for the past five minutes thinking you heard every word. It's just a reminder that there is this world that i'm not quite a part of because every day I'm missing so much of it.

On the other hand you have completely different fingers. I started learning sign language when I was little and I absolutely loved it. I didn't have to hear someone to communicate and that idea was so exciting. I slowly taught myself more as I grew up, but I didn't take my first class until college. Oh my Goodness! It was amazing! It's like this world that has forever been closed to me was finally opened up and I never want to go back. It's such a beautiful language and comes with such an amazing culture. It's so expressive and full of life. I know if I try to explain some of you won't understand, but I'm trying anyway. It's like you hear with your eyes, and it's amazing. There's no more straining to lip read, or missing conversations. The culture is amazing and often makes more sense to me than hearing culture. The history is full of people standing up for themselves and creating a world of their own when no one else thought they were worth it. I wish so many times that I could call this history my own. I wish I had grown up in this culture and been a part of these people. I wish I was Deaf.

I'm hearing and I'm deaf. I don't quite have either world that claims all of me. There are things from both sides that I have taken from to create my own little world. I can't give up one or the other, because I belong to both. Two seemingly mutually exclusive worlds. Yet here I am, proof that water and oil can mix sometimes.

~Bridey J

A Peace of My Mind

I feel like I'm in a time of my life where being lesbian is really no longer a problem for me. I understand that it's not a reflection of my character or any sort of punishment from some higher being. I'm not being anything other than myself, and if this happens to be part of it, then so be it. Now my goal is to just figure out the rest of life. Simple, right?

I feel like I have been through so much that I need to start over. I need to figure out exactly what is me and what is the residual feelings and ideas of what I'm "supposed" to be. I need to be genuine and unafraid...but what I'm finding is that it's quite scary to be truthful about who I am.

My first plan was to approach the church with fresh eyes. I would look at this familiar world without the shame that had always hung over me. I was certain that I would finally be happy in the church and in the gospel now that I no longer doubted my worth at ever turn. But what I'm finding is that the more I try to throw myself into church, the more the unrest intensifies. The place that I have been taught my whole life would bring me joy and happiness only seems to be leaving me without. My goal has never been to become the "perfect Molly Mormon". The only end I strive for is to be a good person.

So what am I to think when I'm doing everything I'm "supposed" to do to be a good person and find happiness and it only seems to be getting farther and farther away? One of the biggest contributors is this feeling that I am supposed to want certain things to be happy...and I just can't. I'm taught that true lasting happiness comes from marrying a man in the temple...I don't want that...I can't want that, I've tried. Since I know I don't ultimately want it, I'm not particularly going out of my way to make sure I have a recommend...that's not to say I'm unworthy in any way, I just don't have one. Why would I want to work so hard for something that some leader that doesn't even know ME might one day decide I don't really deserve for no other reason than me just being honest about being me? If they take it from me, that would hurt so much worse than being without. I've found peace in the decision to be without one at this point in my life, and I have felt like I shouldn't let this plague me any longer. But, here's where the church culture sneaks in, despite my best efforts. The way it seems we've been taught is that having a temple recommend is the paragon of worthiness, and if you don't have a current one it's as if you are a second-class member. How am I ever supposed to feel happy when everything I try just constantly reinforces the idea that I am not enough?

I have this friend named Ty. We talk about ALL the things. He has helped me countless times when I couldn't quite form coherent thoughts from the mumbo jumbo that floats around my head. With his help I have sifted through my thoughts and realized so much...

I don't really care if I'm always happy. No one is always going to be happy. What I really want is peace. There is a battle still raging inside of me and I just want peace from it all. I truly believe that it's not necessarily happiness that we are all searching for, but actually peace. Like I said in my last post, I have felt peace before and I pray to feel it again. What I'm wondering now is if people will let me find it. Some may think it's unusual, or impossible, to feel the spirit where I have and about the things I pray for, but what makes my happiness less legitimate than theirs? Why does it matter how we get to that place of joy or happiness? Shouldn't it matter more that we find it and feel it with love? I just wonder if they would really let me go, if doing so would finally bring me peace.

~Bridey J

Spirituality ╪ Religion

Last night at USGA we had a discussion about religion. The thing we all have in common up here at the BYU is we are somehow presently, or before, connected to the LDS church. And just like everywhere else in life when you get a bunch of Mormons together (or just people in general) everyone is going to be at varying degrees in their relationship to the church. Seeing as how we are a people whose very existence seem to contradict their own religion, we thought it would an important topic to address. I'm not gonna lie, I was a bit nervous when this idea came up in our planning meeting. I tend to always think of the worse case scenario, and I was afraid that it would end up being a small attack on the LDS church. But to my joy and relief this was possibly one of the better meetings we've had. I am slightly ashamed that I didn't have more faith in my friends, but I'm happy to have been proved wrong.

Many people in the group still attend church to some extent. Some are still trying to find the balance between these seemingly mutually exclusive halves of themselves. Others have already found harmony inwardly and are now only trying to change the outside to match. While others still are finding it necessary to just step away from the church right now in order to find peace. What gave me hope yesterday was to hear people, with all different feelings about the church, each bear their testimonies of God's love for them, and the truthfulness of the gospel. I saw people talking with each other, and jumping at the chance to ease each other's pain. I felt a type of authenticity and truth I haven't known in a long time. I felt so peaceful in that room, I crave to feel it again.

Dare I say I felt the spirit in a place where it is sometimes encouraged to leave the church? People might find it strange that one can have a testimony of their homosexuality, but the fact is that many of us have felt God's approval of accepting our whole selves. Just because someone may not be close to the LDS church does in no way reflect upon the relationship they have with their Heavenly Father and the personal truths they have felt. All I know is that it has been said that the adversary can imitate a feeling of the spirit, such as a burning in the bosom or intense emotion, but he cannot fake a feeling of peace. And I know what I felt last night was peace.

~Bridey J

New Year

I was talking to a boy named Dylan this last Thursday at USGA. He was quite amazed at the number of people that came, and on top of that all the people that couldn't quite make it but are still part of the group. He came from Salt Lake City, where they have an LGBT center at the U of U.

A few weeks ago I was talking to a different boy that was on a small panel with me for the Utah County PFLAG. He was also from the LGBT center at U of U. I sat there and proudly told them all that USGA had moved into a bigger room and that we were mentioned in a small, independently student run newspaper and that we were hopeful that faculty support would come soon. Afterwards he told us about how U of U has an entire center and full university support and funds and all this stuff. I felt kind of silly, that our biggest goals at this point were to not get kicked out of our own room some weeks. I felt like we should have done more.

So back to this Thursday...one of the first questions Dylan asked me was why such a club exists here at BYU. Why would I fight for such a club? Well I looked over at all of the people standing around that room and talking and knowing how far a lot of those people have come and with out hesitating I answered "Because we NEED one. I mean, just look...". He understood what I was saying and told me that the number of people we had that night was more than the U of U center gets all week (and they're opened 6 days a week).

It may not be the best, but it's what we need, and believe me when I say we're trying our hardest to make it even better. Just seeing how much USGA has grown, from when there was ten of us sitting in a circle to now where we have an average of 45-50 people a week, it's gives me hope. We will continue to reach out and grow because that's what people here need.

I have a lot of hope for this year :)

~Bridey J